Game of Thrones roared back onto our screens this past week with blood, dragons, and sweet sweet people talking about stuff they're totally gonna do. Will I stay on topic and actually talk about what happened in the episode or will I tangent off on Arya/Ernest* fanfiction?
D and the Butt Prints
Not much from Dany** this episode except for her landing and grabbing some sand like that scene in Robin Hood Prince of Theives. I half expected Morgan Freeman to pop out and say "You are strange, Targaryan." You know what? She needed a Myrian sidekick here to point out weird shit. "That's a shit load of stairs, Targaryan."
That's a damn lot of steps to get to a clean ass castle with a sweet table. I wonder if there's dusty Melisandre butt imprints on that map table. Do not shine a black light in the map room!
Hound Buries a Friend
We all have to take a moment and see how much the Hound has changed. He killed some people, so now he's back to bury them. Oh, and remember there's that guy who keeps coming back to life? He's back on the show again. Remember that.
Fun fact: George RR Martin said in an interview recently that Dondarion is kinda a reverse-wight, powered by fire instead of snow. So there's that to rattle around in your noggin. LINK
Arya Murders Ed Sheeran
I wish. Although it would have been a hell of a twist. Arya kills all the Freys (everyone in Westeros is like "eh" which is the best) and then happens upon some baby-faced Lannister army men. They're totally cool and one of them can only sing and not act, then nothing much happens. It's a reminder that not everyone is horrible (like we're supposed to think from Arya's point of view) and that Arya is going to kill Cersi (or thinks she is). Plus, my fiance totally freaked when that weird Ginger muppet was shone to be singing the song about Tyrion killing his dad.
Cersi Is Off the Chain
Where the hell do you start? She's claimed the throne and is basically telling Jaime that, hey man, all our kids are dead, let's rule some shit or burn it all down. We're seeing a very conflicted Jamie who she should watch out for because dude kills royalty***. Anyway, she gives the big "enemies are all over" speech and to Jamie's credit he's like "who shit in all their cereal oh yeah you, you crazy nut bar." Points given for the Mama Bear of the series not having babies to protect anymore and just planning on laying waste****.
Here's the other thing: They know Dany's right across the bay. I get that it's big, but why not just go get her now? The Dothraki and the nutless guys aren't that great on ships. Even with a small navy you could do some damage. I don't know war, though, so forgive me for thinking the richest people in the story couldn't just hire some folks. Although, dragons.
Jon Leads With Discussion
The North is divided and it will take a strong leader to bring them all back and convince them zombies are coming to eat them all. With Bran heading south of the wall (big smiles when Edd shows up in the Lord Commander cloak), the convincing is coming fast. Of course, what leader could Jon be if someone wasn't always up in his shit?
But why did it have to be Sansa? She's saying he's not listening, which he's not, but she addresses it in front of the very people he'll have to lead. She's learning from horrible experiences and Littlefinger, but just not fast enough to not be a little annoying. She needs agency, but she's being dumb about it. At least she got to call out her dad and Rob for being dumb-dumbs and shut down Littlefinger's shit. Except he totally saved the day last season sooooo...
Euron Is Gonna Get Something
Look, book spoiler: He's got a horn that burns people alive in the book. Here he wants to marry Cersi for power, saying he's got the ships she needs. Apparently, nobody has gotten the "dragons burnt the shit out of ships" news reel from over in Slaver's Bay from last season. Anyway, ships because navy.
People are speculating that Euron and his shitty Jack Sparrow impresson are going to get a dragon or Dragonstone or a pipe to shove up his ass because weirdo. I'm betting he brings back a burning horn. Predictions at the bottom.
Sam Finds Books
Okay, I get that the shit and food in this bit was a funny aside, but gross. And long. And I get that he's toiling away to earn his chain, but damn, director dude, just figure out another way.
Nice use of the library restricted stacks, we all loved that part. Hidden and protected knowledge of the Long Night. The scene with the guy who can help him not helping him was good, but also another scene of the old guard being assholes. Sam says "I've seen zombies and they're coming, that's why I'm here from the Night's Watch" and old guy says "Tough shit, here's my shit."
Nice reveal of Jorah at the end, but why in hell did he come back to Westeros? Besides to be on the show again. Could no red priest heal him? What kind of god is this red fire god?
And everyone's making a big deal about Littlefinger's dagger (the one that framed Tyrion way back in season 1 and that Arya's promotional pics show). It was in a book Sam read. Spoilers, it's coming back but where is it now? Winterfell? I'm pretty sure in the books Littlefinger has it back, soooo….
Maps All Over
Cersi is getting a map painted outside in a courtyard! She likes to walk on it and talk a lot.
Dany has a table map with some sex prints on it.
Jon doesn't have a map exactly, nothing permanent, but he does have Sam whose finding dragonglass maps.
Euron might know what a map is.
Arya is all over the map with vengeance and happy thoughts.
Arya's going to Winterfell instead of King's Landing. With a small showing of her wolf next episode, it's time to get the pack together for some good old fashioned family murder boners. And a puppy cuddle puddle.
Cersi will be killed by Jamie. She'll go too far when Dany attacks with dragons and try to burn the city. At that point, she'll get the point. Of the sword. Jamie's sword. That his dad made for him from the sword that killed Ned Stark that was Ned Stark's sword from when Cersi framed Ned Stark for treason and their bastard child sentenced Ned Stark to die by his own sword, the sword that is now Jamie's sword. Poetry.
Tyrion will ride a dragon because they have to have promised The Dink something to keep him on this show after all his crappy plots the last two years.
The Hound will kill Littlefinger after Littlefinger tries to kidnap and marry Sansa. Brieanne will then kill the Hound thinking he's trying to hurt Sansa. Poetry.
Dragons kill Euron and his fleet. Cause fuck that guy.
Euron will get the horn that burns people to Cersi. Then she will die and Dany will blow the horn thinking it does something cool because she can't be burned. It will bring The Wall down at the end of season seven leading to zombie invasion and end in season eight.
Dany and Jon will get married to unite the North and the Rest and so the North can get that sweet dragonglass from Dragonstone. They will find out they are aunt and nephew but Targaryans so whatever.
Nobody will mention the Dornish people again because they're storyline is ruined. Until everyone finds out they have Dragonglass. And then Jorah will eat them because zombie.
*Ernest P. Worrell from classics such as Ernest Saves Christmas and Ernest Scared Stupid. In mine, he gets hit on the head and wakes up in Westeros. From there, he teams up with Arya as she's getting from Bravos to the Freys and they have an adventure with the personification of Death. It's called Ernest Bloody and Loving It.
**I can't spell the long version. Danaireez?
***His nickname is Jamie "Kingkiller Chronicles" Lannister
****RIP Lady Stonehart.