We have all been there. If you do any type of ordering, from bestsellers to paperclips, you will have a vendor contact you. Most are nice. They know their product sucks and are just carpet-bombing the community in the hopes some poor sucker really does need an all-in-one post-it dispenser/phone cozie/USB toaster keychain. Then there are the bastards.
I just wanna punch his tie off.
Out there right now sits a man who will do anything to make a sale. Often for no reason. But he will make up a reason. Oh, yeah, his kid is sick with the same disease that killed grandma last week and the commission on this “Encyclopedia of Tank Warfare from 1914-1916” will really let him buy the medicine, the same medicine the government is about to put on the narcotics list so he needs it now, man, real bad like yesterday now. He will call back. Over and over. He will stop by, just cause he was in town. He will have a cute power point presentation that he wants to show you over chat.
Sup, Broski! Wanna buy “History of Monster Truckin?” I missed you.
Below the jump are the five steps to getting this guy off your back for good.
1. Politely Refuse
Be nice, polite and kind. Hey, man, we are all in this crazy world together. He is just doing his job and refusing him is part of yours.
Chill out, home slice.
When he attempts to wrangle you in, simply tell him you are not interested. Listen to how he rephrases the offer, then again, politely refuse. No matter what he says just calmly shake your head and put him off.
2. The Email Tactic
So he still persists? No problemo. Pawn him off to the technology age.
When marketer Bobby calls for the tenth time, whoops, sorry, routed to voice mail. If he gets around that, “damn, how bout you email them specs to me and I will get back to ya?” If he stops by, “dag nabbit I just started this video conference and I really need to take this one.” Do not be afraid to be a little rude when deploying this tactic. Your time is money, and that money can be better spent writing a blog.
3. Demand Free Stuff
So, he has left you ten voicemails, thirteen emails, and you are fairly certain the smoke signals coming from the west are raving about “The Georgia Almanac for Peach Growers.”
What you have to do now is go on the offensive. Demand free stuff, above and beyond the bobbles he normally hands out. You want me to buy “Randy Frampton Comes Alive: One Man Builds a Pacemaker Out of Spare Parts”? We are going to need one thousand ballpoint pens. “Atlas of Old Timey Places” on sale this week? I want my weight in refrigerator magnets. Go crazy. If he persists, you go right back at him. Go beyond the swag. Coupons, money, pictures of his wife, his car, his wife, whatever. Asking does not hurt anyone, and guess what? You may even get it.
First you get the money, then you get the beef, then you get the woman.
4. Psychological Torture
It is time to step up. Last time you were asking, now you are demanding. Start calling him back. Call him back for no reason whatsoever. Just to talk. Find out about his family, their likes and dislikes. Send him emails asking about them. Mention them by name. Then reverse on him. “Forget” who he is. Confuse him with someone else. Talk about obscure sports and insist that he watch them. Make him think you are the craziest dude on the block.
This is me on vacation! Sometimes I hunt men for sport!
5. Find Them
Reach the breaking point. Then go past it. This is the point of most Liam Neeson movies. This is you playing Rambo: First Blood Part II, squeezing your phone until your knuckles pop and saying, “Vendor, I’m coming to get you.” Remember all that information you learned before? Use it. Family, friends, no one is safe. Become every stalker you have heard about and beyond. And as you do remember, Ghandi would not have put up with this crap.
"Break a foot off in a motherfucker."