Welcome to The Top Ten Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen by Banned Library for the Worst Movies Ever! Blogfest.
Oh, how I love a good bad movie. Gore, schlock, random nudity, bad characters and dialog that allows my friends and I to become the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and pop jokes off at the screen. I love those movies in a dirty way.
But then there are other movies. Movies so pretentious, over done or just so horrible that you say, "What the fuck is this shit?"
I did not include any sequels or remakes on my list. That was not part of the Blogfest rules but something I added because I feel a bad sequel or remake is a particular form of bad movie. A bad sequel, like myself, can be seen as inferior because it is compared to its greater, older brother. I want these movies to suck on their own merit, not in the shadow of others. I also have great luck in avoiding bad movies, so this list does not include such gems as Battlefield Earth or Norbit.
I hated these little robots. I was about six when I walked out of the theater and pronounced this the worst movie I had ever seen. Note at this point I had loved Back to the Future, Transformers: The Movie and Secret of NIMH, so I knew what I was talking about. Cocoon meets E.T. with some B.S. added in takes this movie out of charming and into banal.
Little back story here: My friend and I had this movie as a running joke for 2 years before we finally tracked down a copy. We walked into the video store and as I reached for a copy of Buffy Season 4, I heard my buddy say, "Say... Do you have independent titles?" Then he asked the clerk if she had this movie. Apparently, someone had ordered it, but never come to claim it. I now know why and my buddy has attempted give this movie away no more than 12 times. Here's the plot, in case you almost want to see this: Jesus Christ is brought back for the rapture, but before that he has to kill all the vampires who are killing lesbians to wear their skin so they can walk in the sun. He does. The end. This is the only movie I have ever said would be better with nudity, because at least then there would be something you would like to see on the screen.
This is the first movie I ever walked out on. Plot? According to IMDB: "Meryl Streep takes on a pair of armed killers while navigating a spectacularly violent river." Here's a little tip, if a great actor or actress is in a wildly dumb premised movie, don't go see that movie. Unless it has Nicholas Cage. Only Nick Cage can pull that off. I will see any movie with a plot that starts, "Nicholas Cage..." He is the only actor alive that can navigate those waters.
This Roger Rabbit on crack might as well have been filmed while it was being drawn. Nothing about this movie is enjoyable, from the erratic acting to the poor animation. When Brad Pitt is your straight man against an animated Kim Basinger named "Holly Would," you did something wrong, movie.
This movie has everything I hate about these so-called "horror" torture porn movies. #1, Scary is not the same as grossed out or uncomfortable. I do not have the fear that weirdos will kill me for sport if I go to another country. I DO have the fear that a shark will eat me if I go swimming in the ocean (thanks, Jaws.) #2, I have to like someone if you want me to care when they die. Why is that hard to understand? #3, If a death is on screen and you don't care what I think about the person dying, make it memorable. I've watched Freddy, Jason, and others kill lots o' folks and had a good time doing it because it was meant to be fun (slashers are more comedy than horror). If I want someone to die in a realistic way, I will watch your mom's wedding night video, Eli Roth.
I hate Mondays and Garfield. I heard "Bill Murray as Garfield" and was there. Then I walked right the hell out of the theater, the second of only three movies I have ever walked out on (River Wild, this one, and the next one). Milo and Otis had better CGI than this.
Fuck this movie. Last movie I have ever walked out on, only movie I ever walked out on twice. I walked back in, saw Berry licking milk or Sharon Stone in plastic face or something and walked right back out.