Getting banned from a library is no easy task, as we have already seen. Cunning, skill and perseverance reward you with the knowledge that you cannot enter one of the only places in town that accepts everybody. But what goes on behind the scenes? What do your faithful librarians do when you have spilled your soda in the fifth computer this week while whacking off to male goat embryos?
Lend an ear, cause I am going to drop some knowledge on your crazy ass: They make sure they have you dead to rights with proof and then kick your ass to the curb, that's what they do.
Here's some steps for librarians to make sure your dumbass never comes near the hallowed stacks of knowledge ever again (and an example letter)
1 Make sure to get an accurate account of the actions that proceeded the decision to ban.
Librarians, incident reports are your friends. I know that after a mini-nuclear explosion that can be the problem patron you just want to rest and regroup, but do not. Fill out a report with the time, date, persons involved and everything that happened. These reports will keep an accurate record of not only what happened, but when. If one patron becomes a problem, the reports build up real fast and the decision to save public time and property is so much easier to make. Also remember to add any police or emergency services reports to yours, as they could become valuable information later.
2 Make sure the professional staff are in agreement with the decision to ban.
The professional staff, and the para-professional for that matter, should always be on the same page when it comes to problem patrons. Everyone should be able to identify the problem and agree that it is a problem. Talk over the issue and reason. People have bad days. Hell, in this economy people have bad years. That does not excuse bad behavior, but it does make the difference between an elderly man that has been laid off getting frustrated with online job applications and the weirdo licking the screen because he thinks that is how Scarlett Johansson likes it.
3 Make sure the governing body and legal council of the library knows about the ban
This goes along with the incident report section. Part CYA and part "what had happened was," including the board of directors (or like assembly) in the loop causes this to be official, a good thing when what you are effectively doing is saying the person is trespassing on public property. This allows the police to be called and gives legal reasoning for displacing someone from the building the next time his crazy ass shows up. Also, it allows you to refer the person to a lawyer to do lawyer stuff instead of you the librarian doing police/lawyer stuff.
4 Make sure the patron being banned knows why they are banned
This is where it gets dicey. A patron having a bad day calls the librarian on duty a "lying bitch that knows there are three more fucking copies of Veggie Tales in the back" and gets thrown out on his/her ass. If he/she comes in the next day and nothing happens, eh, these things happen. For some societies, getting thrown out of the library for the day is a test of manhood for teenagers. But when you really need to toss someone out for good, you have to let them know. The best way to do that is through a letter formally banning them from all library privileges and outlying the local trespassing laws. Make sure it has pretty letterhead on it and signatures and what not. If need be, have the letter notarized, delivered by police, and/or stapled to their forehead. All the easier is if the police were involved, as they have a file all ready for your letter. A note on the letter: Be short and direct. Discussing the issue will only invite argument or more problems. If the letter is being written, the decision has been made and nothing can change that.
5 Make sure to make copies
When you file your reports and letters, make copies of everything and keep them in a separate place, file or folder. This is especially true for anything official, such as an incident report or a letter of bannedhood. That way, if someone says, "Hey I didn't know (I, my brother, my child, my brother-child, etc.) was banned" you can show them that, yes, he was banned from the library for X and was told on DATE that we would fire him from a cannon if he ever showed his face again. If they claim they never got the letter, make them a copy and show them the door.
Example Letter of Bannedhood:
Dear Abraham Lincoln,
This letter is to inform you that your library privileges have been revoked by decision of library staff and the Board of Directors due to failure to comply with library policy and rules. These privileges include access to all library materials, buildings and events.
Failure to comply will lead to legal action under the Galactic Trespassing Code of Stardate 65269.9. For further information, contact our Old Timey Space Lawyer, Seymour Cratersnatch & Spawn.
Head of Galactic Library Board
Important Guy #4
thanks to @bitchylibrarian cause she posed a question and gave me the idea