My rating: 5 of 5 stars
As read by Barry and Garry, Illiterate Twin Man Children
On the first couple of pages you got this cat on a couch getting scared by a kid because he thinks the kid’s gonna, I dun know, pull his hair out with tweezers or something. Which you should not do to cats cause they bite. Anyway, there’s this picture of this dumbass kid that looks like the time Garry peed on Grampa’s electric fence, all “Blaaaaeeeerrrrrggggg.” Haha.
Then... what the hell, this kid’s eatin a shoe. Who does that? And it looks like he’s got bodies stuffed in his nightstand. Now he’s lickin the floor and taking poops outside? What kinda sick book you got me reading fella? Holy crap, he’s naked. This is some kinda trap, right? Look, I know I clicked on that picture on the ‘puter but I didn’t mean to and I seen on the TV that you can’t trap me like this. I’m done, I’m never reading a book again!
There’s a dog on a couch with a door open. The dog is on the couch and spooked and the kid is sticking his head out the door. The kid, at least I think it’s a kid, has a tail and is howling at the moon. There’s a shocked little boy that’s a werewolf or a dog from earlier. It’s also in watercolor.
Child on a bed, crayon pictures of dogs, one looks like Spud Mackinzie eating a penis. Child has no sense of perspective. Has a lamp of spotted dog. Whole dog theme. It looks like there’s a femer in his bed side table. And he’s eating a shoe, not sure if that’s manic insanity or werewolfism. Crazy shoe chewing child is running around a hallway on all fours with his butt out. I think he’s sexually abused or a dog person. Dog from earlier is clearly running in terror. It’s not a dog, though it looks like a cat or a fox, so I’m calling it a cog. Or a dat.
The crazy wolf child is drooling all over the floor and the cog is staring at him in shock and terror. I am fascinated by this child. His pajamas have turned red, leading to possession or the devil. He’s digging, but it looks like dirty mashed potatoes piled on a bunch of stuff that he sacrificed to Lord Satan. Next page, the child is now naked and shaking. He’s either a)drying himself off like a dog or... I don’t have anything. I bet the cat/dog monster dumped water on him to fix his werewolfism.
The child is dead. He is on his back while people stare at him. Wait, no, not dead, just dreaming he’s a mutant dog freak running through the woods with stray feral dogs looking to hunt down the blood of the innocent or others to convert to their dog cult. He is now wearing clothes with, ooooo, a lunch box with a bow tie. He looks like that Problem Child kid but in the second movie. He don’t look right. He looks shocked, like he’s pretending to be straight. I bet he’s been beaten. He’s now with other kids, dancing in a circle and has a evil grin. I bet he’s convinced them all to join his dog cult. I’m pretty sure these kids are supposed to be ethnic, that girls definitely Hispanic.
Now he is standing in front of a chalkboard where he has written “Derek Dog” and he has either a) killed and/or dominated the teacher or 2) is turning the dog cult into a city street gang and “Derek Dog” will be his street name, his tag if you will. He is now standing in a blob of tie dye holding up sharp fingers surrounded by the numbers one through six. I think this has all been a rabies fever dream and now he is “Derek Dog, Grand Hippie Wizard of the Dog Cult.” Now he’s running through a field with flags with a look of madness. One flag seems to be tortured, the next is a rainbow which means love knows no bounds cause love has no gender. He’s on his bicycle and his mouth is all cat-like, domineering as though he is looking down at his subjects. The fever either has taken him or he’s really taken over with his demon witch powers.
He’s now in the hospital, or got pajamas from somewhere, while he’s stroking the cat/dog fox thing that looks terrified, which may be some type of animal erotic rape. Now he’s wearing a plaid shirt, possibly sent out in the woods to become a lumberjack and drink pure bacon grease and maple syrup. Now he’s flashing the cat/dog/fox thing after becoming the king of the lumberjacks and showing his... parts to the world as is his nature.
He’s in bed, but there’s the liquid... I bet that’s his drugs that the parents slipped him when they sent him out in the woods. The parents are running because I would too if my son was either a demonic witch king of the lumberjacks or a rabid exhibitionist.
Finally he is in a chair and seems to be aware I am here, or at least the words are. This scares me. Crap, he just popped out from under a table and scared the shit out of the cat/dog/fox thing. I know he had his way with it by the lecherous look. It looks fucking terrified. And he’s back in plaid. He wasn’t a lumberjack, he was still in the gang! The meds didn’t work. That cat/dog/fox thing is his bitch.
We cut back to the cat/dog/fox thing on the couch terrified. The door is shut now, which means evil could be lurking anywhere. The back cover has a hidden conclusion they didn’t want you to think about. It’s pretty messed up shit. He’s taken a piece of cardboard and put his head through it and is terrifying a small dog. That dog looks stupid.
Each day in the month of April 2012 (starting the first Sunday, then excluding every other Sunday) we will blog using the alphabet as our guide. I will link each post to the letter and you can find them all on this page. If you want to keep up with the challenge for my fellow bloggers, check out the A to Z Challenge Page.