Yesterday we discussed how to prepare in the event that your library has acquired a Tornado Brand Death Monster F4 (TM). Today we would like to go in depth and explain how to further prepare with something called a “tornado drill.”
First, let us explore the history of tornado drills. A long time ago in a place far away called Kansas, the mighty tornado roamed the land. These were not the domesticated, classified tornadoes that have been near hunted into extinction that we have today. These were large and fierce creatures that could attack at a moments notice, often spurred on by evil witches who liked to eat children’s pets.
Kansas farmers of the time had little warning of when the mighty tornado would approach. This warning often came in one of two ways:
- An elderly man squinting at something in the distance and then yelling or
- A small child either dropping his or her favorite toy or letting go of the family pet
When either of these things happened, it was time to run for shelter. Shelter was often a hole dug into the ground and covered with the oldest barn door that could be dragged from the old country. The family would then wait out the storm or one of them (often the eldest male) would find a reason to confront the tornado personally. Either of these would end in disaster or transportation to a strange land.
Because of these short term warnings, often Kansassians would run practice tests for “running for your life” as it was known at the time. A loud sound would be played through the victrola and everyone would drop what they were doing and run for the nearest hole in the ground with an old barn door over it. The eldest male would often simulate his own passing during these events, often by making the sound of an electric power drill. This was before electric power drills were invented, of course, so it just sounded all crazy. But when the electric power drill came along, people were excited that they had a name for the sound of the simulation of the horrible death of their oldest male, so they changed the name from “running for your life” to “tornado drills.”
Other types of events where the eldest male member were to perish were also renamed, such as “stop drop and for the love of god put out daddy,” “the vanishing cloud,” and “Timmy’s in a well.”
Advances in tornado technology, or “tornadology,” have lead to breakthroughs in warnings and advances in tornado drill science, or “tornadrience.” With tornadology and these advances in tornadrience, even the dumbest Kansassian can proceed through the following steps to make sure everyone except the eldest adult male survive acquiring a Tornado Brand Death Monster F4 (TM).
What to Do
In this section we will take you through the simple steps you must take to run a successful tornado drill.
- Sound the alarm
One thing people always forget is that for a successful drill you must tell people about it. If the alarm does not sound, people will simply go about not preparing for their possible demise, blissfully unaware of the horrors that could befall them at any time. We suggest if you cannot arrange a public announcement getting an air horn or a really loud guy to just scream his damn fool head off. Time tested warning systems like the old guy staring into the distance and the young child losing their pet have lost their effectiveness from overuse in Hollywood cinema.
- Clear the area
The first thing you must train your staff to remember is that they are not alone. While you, the director, may have to go down with the library ship (that’s why they call it librarianship, after all. You went to school for a masters, suck it up.), your staff may have an instinct of “self preservation.” You must teach them that this is wrong. They should calmly and collectively escort everyone from various departments and into a central location.
- Gather in a safe place
Gathering everyone into a safe place depends greatly on the amount of windows and what we will call “B.O.-itude.” The first is based on safety of people as high winds from a tornado can cause debris to shatter windows. The second is based on the safety of a large amount of people gathering in a small place for possibly a long period of time. This is why we ask the stinky people to leave the library, just in case we must get trapped with them for long periods of time. Also, as good as it may sound, “the outside” may be safe during a “stop drop and for the love of god put out daddy” drill, but not for a tornado drill as that is where the tornado is.
- Stop people from crying
Crying people are annoying and serve no purpose other than to add drama and gravitas to a situation. While you may wish to allow them to cry silently or allow a single tear to fall, this is a drill and should not be taken this seriously. Find an elderly priest or other religious person to slap them in the face.
- Find the eldest male
Because this is just a drill, the eldest male will not present himself for sacrifice as circumstance would allow during an actual emergency. The easiest way to choose this person is to play the game “Who was born first and who’s gonna die next?” The first male who answers both those questions is more than likely your fellow. Note: if he is the priest slapping the crying people, skip to the next eldest.
- Kill all the witches
Because tornadoes tend to feed on the flesh of the living witch by destroying them with houses, one must destroy the foul beasts before they can taint your holy gathering of tornado sufferers. Ye will know the witches by their green, pallid skin, the stench of cat urine, their unholy cleavage filled with loose change, or any other such disfigurements. You may simply lock these persons out of your safe place or chop off their heads with the tornado ax.
- Oh, Get a Tornado Ax
You have no idea how useful these can be.
- Nominate a search party
After you have gathered everyone into the large safe place with no windows, chosen a sacrificial eldest male, and killed all the witches with your tornado ax, you must now go out into the world to look for survivors after a predetermined amount of time. As the librarian, you must stay in the library, so you are not in the search party. Pick the ablest and most capable members of the group to go out. They will be able to take care of themselves in the harsh tornado filled wasteland that the outside world has become and bring back supplies for the coming winter. Also, it will leave the weak back in the library who will then be easy prey.
- Eat the weak
Kill or be killed, broseph. Those who cannot survive in the tornado drill will face the wrath of the the tornado ax.
So that’s all you really have to remember to run a successful modern tornado drill. Remember to keep the mood light yet serious, remind people that while this time it is not real, someday it might be. And then they won’t be so lucky. Like the weak people.
These steps have been tested and approved by notable tornadologists and tornadrience experts..