So far in the last couple of days we have talked about what you need to do to to set up your library for an impending death machine that is a tornado and how to prepare your staff and patrons with things called “tornado drills.”
Throw that all out the window cause the ‘nader is here and you are going to die. I’m kidding. Not really. Who can tell? That crazy wind churning death machine might skip right over you and stomp your neighbor like a ripe tomato.
So what are you going to do? If you are inside the library, all you have to remember is “KISS.” The KISS method is a time tested solution you as a librarian can fall back on in times of crisis. Every emergency situation in the library can be molded to the KISS method, as I will demonstrate below in the event that a tornado is barrelling down the street planning to beat you down like a redheaded stepchild in K-Mart.
K: Kiss your ass goodbye
The first and foremost thing you should do is remember that you are mortal and the tornado is not. The tornado is the Kurgan to your random guy and he will kill you and you can not be sure that Connor MaCleod of the Clan MaCleod will be there to save your ass. I’m gonna bet that’s the case every time, in fact, because unlike in Highlander all tornadoes work together to kill everything, not each other. So, yeah, just pray or whatever for your immortal soul cause that tornado will fling your meat suit into hell like a drunken frat boy throwing a dart at a Christmas tree.
I: Imagine your death.
Experts say that the first goal of doing anything is to imagine yourself doing it. So after you have already accepted your mortality, focus now on the way that aero hades will tear you asunder because, let me tell you something, that’s how its gonna be. Do you want to go slowly, trapped under debris while the rain slowly fills the puddle around you until you drown? Fuck that, that’s just damned depressing. Where’s your head, son? You want to go out being struck by lightning after rescuing a dozen orphans from a Winnebago. Or clutching an umbrella with a towel wrapped around your neck pretending to be Superman and Mary Poppins's love child until you slam into the side of a french bakery. Make your death an exciting one, darn it.
S: Save the one’s you like
After accepting your pancakedness and solidifying your own death, start picking and choosing who around you deserves to die by your side and who among you deserves to go out like mewling dogs at your feet. This is your chance to show the people that care about you that you do not really care that much for them. Like that time in 4th grade where you picked the big kid over your best friend, separate the strong from the weak. Think about who will qualify as part of your circle. Think about who will fit into that image from above. Do you want to die locked in a death battle like a damn man? Or do you wish to die flinging others into the wind for distance? It is up to you, so choose wisely.
S: Shine on, bright star
The time has come. You have accepted, planned for, and chosen companions to ride this screaming train of wind and murder down to hell. Now go forth and carry out your plans. Nothing is left for you in this world except waking up from this mortal dream. May the alarm clock to your sleeping soul in the next world be your dying screams from this one.