Can we all agree that the library is the sexiest place in town? I mean, there’s an entire section devoted to romance. Half of the mystery section is caused by sex. All of the biography section is caused by it, and most of the nonfiction section is either about it, because of it, or telling you how to build something that either looks like it or can get sex for you. There is not a section of the library that does not contain something at least a little “hell yeah,” except maybe the children’s section.
Yeah, okay the children’s section is not right. Anything underage that you find sexual is something you brought to the table, sicko. I DON’T WANNA SEE ONE MENTION “THE POKEY LITTLE PUPPY” IN THE COMMENTS!
Let’s get off that creepy train and jump onto another one, shall we? Before we start, I am not suggesting you should have sexual relations in any public space, especially the library. It is against the law and if there’s anything I respect, its sex laws. This list is only for speculation and not for sexual advice, you freaky exhibitionists out there. If I get put into any lawsuits from folks playing “hide the biography,” I am here to say right now that it is not cool to bump uglies or have sexual intercourse or in anyway do anything with your junk in a library.
Now, with that out of the way, let’s discuss the seven places to get your freak on in the library so you can have some ammunition the next time you and your library friends sit around for a healthy game of “I never,” such as “I never had sex in the library...”.
Let’s just get this one out of the way. Gross? Yes. Unsanitary? Sure. Public? Oh, hell yeahs. But this list is not about where you should do the nasty, this is about all the places where the nasty could and do take place, including the nasty place. So pull up a stall, hitch up your leg and go to town. Just keep it quiet, that place echoes. I've heard.
This is another of those places where you think, “Really? Ew and stuff?” And if this were any other place in town I would agree with you, but think about it. This is the library. On an average day there is minimal discarded food stuffs. Mostly its just a shit load of paper. A shit load of sexy paper, a novel bed for your love passion stuffs. Just watch out for paper cuts.
3. Study Rooms
There’s just a bunch of empty rooms with a table and chairs and a quiet atmosphere looking to get a little unquiet, am I right? Who hasn’t looked in and seen some pile of sex sitting behind a stack of books and a laptop and imagined walking in there, sweeping everything off the table and making a big ole need for some Lysol up in that quiet place of study, amiright?
4. In the bushes
When people think about the library, all they see is the internal. Look outside your library. See the open spaces and the hidden gems of seduction. What is that small cleared out space under the shrubbery hidden from society where a Maid Marion the Librarian could play host to a gentle but not too gentle Robin Hood or Hoodina? I think that’s Sexwood Forrest, people.
5. In your car
Unless your car is a Volkswagen. That’s just uncomfortable.
6. Special Collections
You have to get permission to go in, there’s very little staff, and man, is it me, or does the musty smell of books and the general aura of dust bring out that flush in your cheeks that’s just damn sexy? Can you even say a word that ends with “-ana” that doesn't make your pants drop a little? I can, but I’m a professional. You’re dirty. The good kind of dirty. Like rusty staples and microspatula dirty. The archivists out there know what I mean and ten euphemisms just jumped in their heads. You’ll have to ask them what those euphemisms were cause this is a family site.
7.During an emergency
This is not a physical place but more of an idea, a state of being or a time. And what better time to lose your mind with someone else when everyone else is losing theirs, right? Just wait until some kind of natural disaster or freaky weird robot attack or whatever happens, turn to the nearest thing you find sexy that’s an adult human and able to give consent, look deep into their eyes and say the magic word, “Bonetown?” Then go at it like a pair of screaming howler monkeys on the circulation desk cause if shit is going down you better get down as soon as possible.
Also, I want everyone to know that I wanted to separate “Bone” and “town,” but my spell check forced it into “Bonetown,” and I thought it was funnier to leave this comment then go back with my original wording.