So last week Pope Benedict XVI, also known as that creepy Hobbit looking motherf%$ker in the hat, announced he was retiring. Most of the world took notice because who the hell knew that’s something that could happen, then they looked it up and, yeah, he totes can. Pope Benny’s not even the first to do it. The last guy was in 1415 even though that was a whole thing back then. And at 85, why not retire? There’s, like, a hundred things he could be doing right now. Like dying. Or playing Angry Birds. Or becoming a librarian.
I know a lot of you just said, “whaaaaaaa?” The rest of you are looking at those people like they are crazy because the title of this article is “5 Reasons Pope Benedict XVI Should Get His MLIS.” This ain’t library surgery. I had a point with that first paragraph. Mostly, that point was that I could look shit up on the internet. But I also was preparing you for the following:
5. Not the First Librarian Pope
You read that right. Pope Pius XI, also known as Ambrogio Damiano Achille Ratti but I am gonna call him Pope Ratzo, was famous for organizing the Vatican Archives. I guess he did that so well they just up and made him Pope cause I am not sure what you have to do to become Pope. I guess you get touched by Superman or something, I have not read my Bible in a while. Anyway, Pope Ratzo was in charge between WWI and WWII, making him kinda the dude that did not see shit starting up again, so while not the best role model he was a librarian so that counts. And, I mean honestly, how many popes have the same resume? Besides priest. They probably all have that.
4. Social Security Benefits
Pope Benny needs his benny’s, right? Who knows what kind of social security you get when you stop being pope. And he’s retiring after only what, 7 years? No way he built up the kind of Pope retirement options for it to be worth it. Of course, this all could have been an elaborate scheme to get the best benefits possible, but how much could he be paid even as the pope? I mean, it is a church. They give all their money away, right? Helping people?
I hear crickets. Is there a cricket in here?
Anyway, he could have his MLIS in a few years and be in the state system in no time. 25 years later he retires at 112 and lives the high life with full benefits. It is only prudent of him to think this way.
3. Closer Age Bracket
Look, I’m not saying the librarian pool is populated by a bunch of old cat ladies with buns and cardigans and what have you, okay? I am just saying that noone ever retires from being a librarian. You get a job, you get scared and you die in that job. End. Of. Sad. Librarian. Story. And the facts back it up with at least 37.2 percent of librarians surveyed by the ALA in 2005 as 55 or older. This YALSA blogsays 40 percent if you extrapolate for today. He’s got him some folks to hang with, that’s all I am saying.
But, Evan, you ask, if no one’s retiring then how would he get a job? Please. Think about this. An entry level recent MLIS graduate has “student assistant” and MAYBE “page” or “library assistant” listed on their application. Pope Benny has frickin “Pope” on his. And he speaks Latin, presumably, so that’s a plus.
2. Low Stress Job
We all remember that libraries are one of the lowest stress jobs of 2013, right? I mean, he was the frickin pope, guys. He dealt with big issues, like he is the guy that decided if you believed in him and his Superman that he could tell you whether or not whackin off in the library bathroom was a sin or not (it totes is, according to Pope Benny). He got to tell gay people their love was not equal as straight peoples love. I mean, what did you do today? Checked in some books? Had to tell some folks they had fines?
Shit, this guy had to ride around in something called a Popemobile and listen to a divine being chattening him up about the essential nature of love and equality. Books and your fine policy ain’t shit compared to that, son.
1. Casual Fridays
Let’s be honest, the library dress code situation is pretty cool. Basically wear pants, shoes and a shirt and don’t smell too bad. Maybe keep the shirt with the Tasmanian Devil on it at home cause nobody wants to be helped by the person who’s mom still bathes them. That’s about it. What more can a dude that just spent seven years wearing big flowing expensive dresses and giant hats ask for than to be allowed to show up in any damn thing he wants, including those big flowing expensive dresses and giant hats cause you know his closet is, like, redonk full of them now, right?