People never ask me: Evan, how do you review books? This is probably because I clearly lay out what I am talking about with subject headers for every part of my reviews except the opening, like this one. Here, let me walk you through the process.
In this first part, I give a couple of bullshit sentences I hope will drive people to empathize with me as a reviewer. I say nice things about my relationship with the material, the author or some aspect of my life that lead me to review this book. This is to connect me with the audience and make me appear sincere, when really all I want to do is trash the shit outta somebody else’s work.
In this section of the review, I give a brief overview of the plot of the book. I try not to give out spoilers, unless I do because I hate the book and everyone who likes it.
What did I like?
In this portion of the review, I give the impression that I am being impartial by presenting things about the text that I enjoyed. This is not the case. I am really giving backhanded compliments to the author with this section. It’s kinda like talking to a dog. You can say anything to him as long as you say it in a nice voice.
What did I not like?
This is where I really get to sink my teeth in and make that degree in English Literature work for me. I attempt to find the bad in everything, tearing at the heart of even the most kind and generous works. The Cat in the Hat is a nuisance at best and a soulless, vicious monster bent on hoarding destruction at worst. See, wasn't that fun?
Who would like this?
This is the section where I put my mind and IQ down 100 percent and imagine the dumb ass yokel that would actually read anything by Danielle Steele. I’m kidding, not you. Never you. See the opening section. Danielle Steele was there for me when my goldfish died.
Why was this banned?
This is my shtick Pointing out all the things that are possibly objectionable about a given work because the hatemongers of the world have enough to do so why don’t I do this job for them? Did you know that there’s swearing and talk of premarital sex in Bridget Jones’ s Diary? I didn't, but I can guess. Stay tuned for that review.
So that’s it. That’s how I review a book. I simply think about what a thoughtful and balanced review would look like, imitate it and then throw in a poop joke or two. Poop. It’s as much fun to type as it is to say.