Welcome to downloading ebooks for beginners. We are glad that you have joined us today. Let us begin.
1. If you are using an apple to download ebooks from your local public library, then you should stop right there. You cannot download books with a fruit, much less a dumb one such as an apple. If you really want to get serious about downloading library ebooks, you should use something sensible, like an ereader, tablet or smartphone.
2. Now we have set you straight on the fact that all fructose and seed bearing plants have no business in the electronic industry or the library for that matter. What are you doing? What are you thinking bringing an apple into the library? I just do not understand you, human shaped object. You make little sense to me in the way that you continue to proceed through life.
3 Okay, here we go. Locate your ereader, tablet or smartphone. What do you mean you have to go get it? Mother... I can not believe this. You had an apple at the ready, Nay! You prepared an apple beforehand... there was forethought involved... You put together in your mind that an apple was capable of downloading an electronic book and in our drunken, fat-laden American society somehow found a fresh apple to do so, yet you now have to fetch your ereader, tablet or smartphone. I shall wait. Go ahead.
4. Fine. May we proceed? What type of device do you have? Well? What do you mean you do not know? What’s the damn thing called? Your mother? You trusted your baby boomer, blind in one eye, afraid of the send button and, to use her words, “people of color” mother to buy you an ereading device and have no idea what it is? This is crazy in all the pants.
5. I looked on the front of it for you and it is a Nook. Yes, sure, write that down even though its on the front of the machine. No, that’s fine. Brought an apple and a pen and paper to the electronic class. I fear for you in this electronic future. What? No, nothing. I am just glad you did not bring a Kindle. No, not bringing a Kindle is a good thing. No, you do not... Fine, write that down, too.
6. So, what we first want to do is access the library’s wireless network. Since the network is free and open with no passcode, this should be... No, you do not need a cable for the wireless network. That’s why they call it... Yes, you will need it for the power, but the charge should last... I do not know. No. No, sir, I cannot answer what will happen if you plug your Nook into the Matrix. I am not sure that applies in this scenario unless you are in fact “The One” and in that case the only reason you are here is to make my life a living hell. I apologize, I did not mean to be snippy.
7. So you take your Nook and... stop squeezing the device, sir. No, sir. No, sir. Even when the books are in there I am quite sure if you open the device you will not have to access them. Just... there should be a switch or button... No, sir, stop! The device is supposed to display the words and such like that. Third... Fifth... Whatever rule we are on, do not smash the ereader for doing its job.
8. I told you not to open the sensitive electornic equitpment! Yes, of course I meant that! Why would I joke about that? Fine, you know what? Here’s how you “download” and “ebook” from the library. Go over to the OPAC. The OP... The shitty computer with the catalog. Type in the book you want. Does it say available? Okay, let’s find it on the shelf. Yeah, feels just like looking for a regular book, huh? Funny that. Okay, now take this fucking book and go read it, you... you... beautiful, dumb, dumb human. Just go. Go forth and breed little ones that will understand and fear this world in that order, as all humans have since the dawn of time. May you not feel the Grimm Reaper’s talons against your throat as he squeezes the life from your heart and shoves you into the great hereafter.
9. Goddamn it. All that for 50 Shades of Grey?