A woman in Park Ridge was arrested for allegedly stealing $543 worth of library materials from the Park Ridge Public Library. Why do I know about this? I can only assume that this was the only news, the biggest scandal to happen in Park Ridge history to make it into the paper. So let's go over this with a fine toothed comb, shall we?
Note: The following is a dramatic reconstruction of events after skimming a newspaper article while on the can. Events in real life may have transpired differently or not at all in the way described below.
A brisk morning wind came across the mountains of Park Ridge as Sheila Montgomery-Fuller stepped from her car, an old 1972 Charger like they drove in the Dukes of Hazzard. Sheila crossed the parking lot and stepped into the library with one thought on her mind: stealing shit.
Sheila walked into the library, large dark sunglasses and poofy blonde Farrah Fawcett wig in place. She nodded to the librarian on duty, Peggy Moltabon, and walked to the DVD section. Sheila picked up two DVD/Bluray copies of Nacho Libre and walked to the circulation desk.
"Do you have your library card," Peggy asked.
Sheila responded by pulling a semi-automatic pistol from her purse, "Give me all the fucking books!" she screamed loudly with enthusiasm.
"And these DVDs," Shelia said, sliding the two copies of the Jack Black classic Nacho Libre across the desk, "And put them on your account, bitch."
Peggy, shaking with terror, loaded all the library's books into two plastic bags, checked out the DVD/Bluray combos, and handed them over. Sheila snatched them up and walked out.
Outside, twenty-two of Park Ridge's finest waited for her. She dropped the bags and started firing into the crowd, but the cops shot, too. Sheila died, all $543 worth of the library's books scattered around her, her head resting on the DVD/Bluray combos Nacho Libres.
Then they brought her back to life with the paddles and arrested her.