According to KUOW, my news source for all things Seattle (Catch the Fishy News!), the Seattle Library is now allowing patrons to bring firearms into the library. So they gave up, instead of fighting back like the Earps in the O.K. Coral and keeping guns out of their city, they allowed guns right on in. Sure, sounds legit to me.
We here at the Banned Library know why we carry guns (goddamn cockroaches, that's why) but we decided to come up with a few reasons the Seattle public would need to carry heat in the cold, rainy fish-land.
5. Fine Negotiation
Sometimes you just can not afford that $1 for the late DVD, so you open up your jacket and reveal your hidden negotiation strategy of a .45. Maybe then the librarian will rethink how much that copy of Snow Dogs the kids didn't even watch is worth to him/her. Carrying a gun around in the library means you are willing to use it, to shoot down any issue that comes up, including your daughters fines for that book report she failed. And the patron is justified in doing so, because 'Merica.
4. Public Nudity Enforcement
The public enters in the library every day knowing two things: James Patterson has a new book out ever day and they will see a penis. Those two facts are undeniable in at 21st century library. Or are they?
While James Patterson is now a robot stealing the life force from other writers, pulling books from them with the never ending zeal of a vampire sloth monster that will never die, public nudity is something a gun can control. Man opens his pants in 713 while you are looking at travel guides, BOOM, no more schlong. Woman leans over and exposes her breasts to your six year old in the computer lab, KA-BLOOEY, its time to send those sweater puppies to the farm.
Ain't nobody gonna show skin in the library again when everybody has a gun, son.
3. Small Penises
Speaking of penises, I am not saying that every gun owner out there has a small penis. I am simply saying that every asshole with a gun in a major metropolitan area that feels he has to carry a firearm has a small penis. Tiny. See it with a telescope. Scientists are debating on whether to demote it from "penis" to "skin tag" kind of tiny.
And that's not a commentary on police or the military. Keep doing what you are doing, love you guys with your devotion to going into situations that will get you killed while I hide crying behind my bullet-catching books and computers. Big penises all around for you guys.
2. Quick Commentary Device
If everybody's a critic, the handgun is the ultimate pen. Don't like The Great Gatsby? Three shots by a nine millimeter will voice your displeasure much faster than a comment card and a golf pencil. Think the person beside you is being too loud on their website gaming thing? Grandma'll put a cap in your loud ass. That'll get the librarian a running to calm that teenager down. Maybe even save them time. Crying baby in story time? We can quiet that rug rat over the sounds of napalm in the morning!
And for all those parents out there scared your child will read or see something at the library that will offend other people, too, maybe taint their way of life? Pull out your death machine of choice and fire away, taking out porn on the computers and books with nasty, dirty-bird words in one sweep of gunfire. HIDING BEHIND THE 1ST AMENDMENT WON'T STOP BULLETS!
Sorry, got a little carried away there.
1. Fraiser Fanfiction Reenactments
Remember that episode of Fraiser when he and Niles and the hot British lady and the old dude with the dog went to the library for the brassy lady that Fraiser worked with and they all got held up by terrorists and Fraiser had to go all Bruce Willis in the vents and defeat the terrorist with a classical music reference? Yeah, I got a script or two in the back.
Whatever the reason people may or may not bring guns into the library, you have to admit one thing: So can the librarians. HAHA! Yeah, bitch. Sawed-off behind the reference desk to replace the baseball bat. Sorry, Wonder Bat, but if the patrons escalate we have to respond.