Thomas Jefferson, Founding Father, author of the Declaration of Independence, third President of the United States of America and long time dead guy, rose from the grave earlier today to tell the American people he could not give two shits about any other presidential library.
"What ho," Jefferson said, "I have come back from the departed lands, the absence of time and space to tell all the people of these great lands that their latest presidential libraries can suck a big fat one."
When asked about the recent opening to the George W. Bush Presidential Library, Jefferson had this to say:
"What? Are they gonna hang that big 'Mission Accomplished' banner across the entrance way? Yeah, I saw that. Back during the revolution we had a world for things like that: firewood. Take a look at what my presidency brought up. Yeah, that's right: the freaking Library of Congress. What's Bush's? A bunch of coloring books? Obama's? His Amazon ebook collection We all know Clinton's is the back room of a video store."
When asked about the controversy over whether the Barack Obama library would be in Chicago or Hawaii, Jefferson laughed.
"What the fuck are you bitches babbling about? Oh, dump all his papers in a tropical paradise or stuff them into a cold wasteland of culture and deep dish pizza? That's what you guys are worried about? I don't give two shits about that. Put down the fast food and guns, assholes. Look around you. This is all bio digital jazz, man. Breath in the freedom and stop giving it away to the corporations before you have to rest your identities from them. We founded this nation on blood, slavery and whatever else the fuck we wanted. Turns out, we were wrong on a couple of those things. So fix it and start being nice to each other, you dumb bastards, and go outside every once in a while. I didn't buy all that damn Louisiana land because I really liked New Orleans, you know. Although, if you have a chance, go down to Mardi Gras. Those bitches get freaky."
And with that last sentence, the third president shimmered out of sight. Reporters immediately kicked themselves about not asking about life after death, what God was like, and whether or not Jefferson thought this whole West/Kardashian thing would work out.