Here’s the warning: If you want a spoiler free review of Iron Man 3, CLICK RIGHT HERE.
Okay, if you stuck around you have been warned and I no longer give a shit about your virgin mind hole as the truth of Iron Man 3 penetrates you deeply. With sex knowledge penises. Peni. Whatever.
I just reread that last bit and, yes, I enjoyed writing it. Spoiler Alert.
The following subject headings are based on sloppy notes I took while watching the movie and are meant to give you a glimpse into my state of mind while watching. I did not comment on the asshole with the phone seated next to me or the small child crying three rows in front. Those are simply a given with modern audiences. Here we go.
Voice Over- No Trailers
We begin with blackness and the soothing tones of RDJ telling us some shit about demons catching up to you in your life. Also, this just popped up, as they did not feel we needed any trailers in our viewing.
AIM-Plant blows up-1999
We get a flashback to the year 1999 where Stark and some lady are hooking up and Happy has a mullet. A nerdy dude from AIM (Advanced Ideas Mechanics) is appealing to Stark for funding or just to talk. Stark blows him off to hook up with the chick and her explosive plant, which explodes after Happy pulls some leaves off of it and it regenerates them and that doesn’t make any sense if you think about how plants work later after we find out what is going on.
Cut to a scene with Stark and his suits. He is making fun of the mentally bogged down arm robot from the other movies, making it wear a dunce cap. He is also injecting himself with stuff that will make it impossible for him to effectively use any armor but the shitty new suit throughout the movie.
We see the Mandarin doing his best Heath Ledger performance with a video camera.
Iron Patriot-War Machine
Rhodes has been rebranded from War Machine to Iron Patriot. It makes sense in a politics kinda way, which is none.
A bunch of comedians are on the screen commenting as news types about the attacks of the Mandarin and the ineffectiveness of anyone without an armoured suit.
We go to Stark Company Place, but not the tower in the Avengers, I don’t think. Happy is head of security and fucking loves badges; he wants all the stinking badges. Pepper is head of... everything. Nerdy guy from the beginning visits Pepper and he looks all suave and tan. Pepper turns down his company and his hitting on her. Happy meets a guy in the lobby. We are to find out this man is from the armed forces despite the fact that he sits around like an asshole.
I figure out by proxy of 10 foot bunny that this movie is set during Christmas. Touche, Shane Black.
Tony is ignoring somebody
Suit attack - Nightmare
Tony has a nightmare about the events from the Avengers where he took a nuclear bomb to space. He wakes up when for some reason this dream makes his new shitty armor attack Pepper in bed. Tony is freaked out by this and she is really freaked the hell out. At this point I ask...
Here’s the big problem with this movie. What can Tony program his tech to do? Jarvis seems like a full-on AI, which would mean that he could run the suits and such in case Tony gets a brain tumor and decides to start murdering everyone. Then we have extremely dumb tech, like the Dunce Arm. I get that Tony would be his machine’s God, but this would seem counter to any three laws that should be programmed here.
Happy Man Bomb
Happy follows our AIM people to Mann’s Chinese Theatre and gets blowed up by a bunch of glowing dudes.
Iron Man Kills Folks?
After Happy gets a trip to the hospital, Tony freaks out and says he’s gonna kill the Mandarin. Then he gives the Mandarin his home address because nobody in the world knew where richest man in the world lives in his Malibu palace by the sea.
Tony goes all Batman to find out who did the Happy blowing up.
Botanist Friend - Catty
The botanist lady from the very beginning shows up at Stark Manor. Pepper is moving out and gets really catty about another woman all up on her man. Then helicopters attack and blow the shit outta the house. Pepper gets to wear the prototype suit and save the botanist lady while Tony falls into the watery doom while Stark Manor becomes Stark Crater.
Another bit of “why?” We have seen at least 41 other working suits beneath Stark manor. We see at the end that Jarvis can control them. Why are they not kicking the shit outta stuff right now?
There’s one scene where Tony is trapped under rubble at the bottom of the ocean and his gauntlet detaches from the suit and spins around to pull him out. Visually this is awesome looking and I loved it. Practically this is so dumb with “how does this work?”
Why not Cap America?
Bombings on American soil. Where the fudge is Cap and Shield? Did they figure out what was going on and just go, “eh, Tony can deal.”? I get that this has something to do with Winter Soldier and such, but really? Not even one Nick Fury appearance?
Power In TN - Chest Power?
Welcome back to more tech talk with Iron Man 3. So Tony had the crappy armor set to fly to Tennessee where another bomb blew up, so when everything went to hell the armor just did that with Tony unconscious inside of it. Then he runs out of power and crashes.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t the whole point of the first movie that the arc reactor in his chest is an unlimited source of power for his suits? I mean, yeah, they need power and batteries to fly around without him (even around the globe without recharging), but even if he’s unconscious inside it should it not at least be feeding those batteries? I don’t get this or why he suddenly has to start dragging it around for the next half hour or so.
Tony and Kid
Tony makes his way into a small town and into the garage of possibly the only kid in the world that can handle RDJ telling him he’s a pussy for not dealing with his dad running out on him. And that’s not me trying to be shocking. Tony, AKA RDJ AKA the Most Charming Asshole Alive actually calls the kid a pussy and a dozen other names while needling the kid about his crappy situation.
Helmet Call - Stealing Tech
Back at Stark Crater, Pepper notices an Iron Man helmet beeping and instead of thinking “Huh, one of Tony’s murder machines is making noise, I hope everyone’s running like hell because I’m already halfway across the planet,” she puts the damn thing on and listens to a voicemail.
Let’s go back to “Where the hell is SHEILD?” land. Tony’s house just got blown to shit, his priceless tech that the government pretty much stole in the last movie (Iron Man 2) is scattered around the ocean and he’s missing and... nothing? Nothing at all?
Shadows on Wall
Tony and the kid hang out at the bomb blast in the kid’s home town and talk about nothing. Tony then goes to a bar where the bomber’s mom hangs out and finds out he was a soldier and its all cool until a woman and the guy that helped blow up Happy show up. We learn that the soldiers can grow back limbs and melt stuff all badass-like. Tony blows up the woman and the dude gets away.
Buddy Cop Movie
Its at this point where I realized this movie has become a buddy cop movie, Iron Man and the Kid. This trend will continue. Double touche, Shane Black.
Phone Call? Personal Cell?
The Mandarin is at it again with his crazy ass youtube videos, threatening the life of an oil company accountant if the President of the U. S. doesn’t call the Mandarin from his personal cellphone, which the Mandarine people have already hacked with the number. Yep. The president of the U. S. of A. has a personal cell phone. Think he uses the family plan or just says “Fuck it” and pays by the minute? What the hell, movie?
So he does call and the guy gets shot anyway.
Tony hangs out with Gary, a newsguy, so he can use the internet. Iron Man and the Newsguy.
At this point, the movie starts to move kinda fast with big action pieces and the “plot” becomes a series of “And then this happens....” And then the botanist girl tries to justify to Pepper why working for the bad guy is cool.
Steals War Machine
Some point around now, the bad guys have kidnapped Rhodie and the Iron Patriot armor. They superheat the armor to get Rhodie out and lock him up.
I begin to notice at this point that for every time a quiet moment of reflection is needed, we get a one liner and an uncomfortable laugh from someone. At least Chandler Bing got a moment or two of quiet at times. Yep, that was a Friends reference in an Iron Man review, welcome to the Internet.
In a moment of tremendous self doubt, Tony almost quits his mission while having a panic attack while driving to Florida to fight the Mandarin. The kid, who is back home with the shitty armor, talks him down and tells him to build something. Tony goes all Macguyver in Home Depot and makes a bunch of weird stuff.
Using the Iron Patriot armor, the terrorists sneak into Air Force One and kidnap the president, shooting a bunch of people. Right after, Tony uses his Macgyver stuff to bust in the Mandarin’s house to find out...
Our spoiler alert kicks into effect as Tony and Rhodie find that the Mandarin is... an actor. Yep, the AIM guy was the big bad guy the entire time. Dum, dum, dummmmm. Ben Kingsley acts all crazy and while the “surprise” is not shocking, the performance is memorable and full of choices. Also, movie is now Iron Man and Rhodie Where’s My Suit.
Girl Shot-Pepper Poisoned
While making their way through the mansion, Tony is kidnapped and the rest of the truth is revealed. The botanist is shot and dies and it is revealed that Pepper has been given a shot of the fire soldier virus thing.
Rhodie Out Fire
I am not sure what this means. I assume Rhodie was putting out a fire.
A Shane Black specialty, we now get to see two silly mooks guarding Tony as he tries to get his armor to come and get him. One mook is smart and the other mook stands beside him. As the armor arrives piecemeal, one of the more impressive action scenes in recent memory happens as Tony murders tons of dudes in the face with guns while only wearing a gauntlet and a boot.
Vice Pres. Ident In On It - Good Motive
Another crazy twist! Let me set it up: Tony and Rhodie escaped and are after the bad guy, I guess. They call the Vice President of the U. S. of A. and he’s all “sure, I’ll tell everybody.” Then it turns out he’s in on it! And, in a real good bit of visual storytelling, the camera shows us a little girl with a stump for a leg. The audience is left to their own devices to connect the dots between Stumpy and the AIM limb regenerating virus. Also, to remember that this is the Vice President because I think he was only set up once before in the film.
People Falling, Iron Man Not Home
We have an attack on Air Force One again... or maybe this is the same one where the president got kidnapped... I honestly can’t remember. Either way, there’s the most badass scene of people falling out of a plane ever since Point Break. Yeah, I said it. This scene is worth the price of admission and I kinda wanted to see it in 3D.
Lot of Death
Here we are at the end. Tony calls all his armor from the basement of Stark Crater and with Rhodie they murder just about everybody and break all the construction things and shoot everyone in the head that did not pee themselves and run like hell. All the random plot elements get wrapped up as Nerdy guy rips off his shirt to reveal tattoos and fire and stuff. For a second, I thought he was Iron Fist and that was crazy.
At one point Pepper falls seemingly to her death but then comes back a few minutes later to beat the holy crap outta Nerdy Guy. This ending is violent and dumb and all crazy and I really enjoyed it.
As all the bad guys are being mopped up and exploded and shot in the face, Tony promises to give Pepper a special hug and then blows up all his armor. Over the next few vignettes we get pictures of Pepper being cured, of the surgery to fix Tony’s heart, and everybody living happily ever after.
My last parting thought as I numbed myself and just said, “Well, that was a movie” was about the Red Hulk, or Rulk, from the comics. With the appearance of somebody after the credits, don’t you think mixing the Hulk with this virus thing would make a really scary fiery death machine? Hmmmmm...