Let’s face it, librarianing is hard. What with the books and the booking of books and the people, sometimes you don’t know what to do with yourself.
Back at the Banned Library Library Science Labs Gift Shoppe, we sell all kinds of materials to get you through your library day. Of the many products for your home and office branded with the “Banned Library” logo, we now offer branded liquid products for your librarianing life. Each liquid is formulated specifically for your librarian wants and desires. One in six contains trace amounts of poison to keep you on your toes. Let’s look at these products, shall we?
All hail the overlord of coffee! Bow before the mighty caffeinated culinary concoction, the wonder juice from the bifurcated bean, the all-knowing, all-seeing murder fuel from the planet Columbia that you should pour into your face holes and swim through as if you were Michael Phelps with really, really tough skin. Coffee is your god, or at least the mightiest in the pantheon of ingestible gods.
Hot, cold, or lukewarm, coffee powers every librarian and turns average bookworms into mighty book-butterflies. Even if you claim not to like coffee, you are breathing in coffee fumes and becoming empowered by them. Drop the pretension, Debbie, and realize that the only reason we tolerate you and your lack of contribution to the coffee fund is because when the apocalypse comes we will trade you for coffee.
“You can’t only drink coffee,” someone dumb once said. That someone did not have access to a grinder or rock from which to crush his roasted coffee beans with, so he just decided to boil leaves like a common insane person. Thus we have tea. Whooptie-doo.
Tea does have its uses. While coffee can make someone more productive and interesting as a human being, tea can calm down your worthless enemies and lull them into a false sense of security. Tea is comforting and calming, allowing for plans of attack that Debbie will not see coming.
So have some tea... Then pray for death as we unleash the Riders of the Book Carts upon you! Librarianing or Death!
Frozen Concentrated Orange Juice
Filled with Vitamin C and other stuff that is not caffeine, OJ has been embraced by pirates and librarians since time began. When the time came to carry it long distances, i.e. away from Florida, librarians patented a way to charm the orange into a frozen lake where it was squished by the King of the Frost Giants into a drink brick that could then be transported. The drink bricks were then brought out for use during story times and to mix with sparkling wine during book brunches.
Now that we know the full history of frozen concentrated orange juice and libraries, here’s how it helps in librarianing: orange juice molecules bind with booze in a way that makes the booze healthy for reading. Do not take my word for it. Ask any old lady who is not dead yet and she will tell you, booze is better with a twangy twist of OJ and allows for better reading and book discussing.
Do I really have to tell you how a healthy amount of whiskey in your coffee can help your morning? We already talked about how mimosas at a brunch book club make that hell palatable. Must we go into how vodka in the juice boxes will calm down a story time? Where is it written that a two martini lunch stops the librarianing from being a thing that happens? Is Margarita Mondays in the breakroom not the perfect follow through from Not So Sober Sundays? Must I go on? If I must, we should meet after work for beers.
Seriously, booze and librarians go together like peanut butter and librarians.
Lysergic acid diethylamide
Little bit of this makes the day become a monster of a time where everything goes shiny and new and the books will feel fun and fresh and the kids will finger paint your house if you really let them go for it with the hand prints on the ceiling are there for all to see and all to use and the public is one and all a giant organism living and breathing and being as one and we all are as one person people being and sharing and knowledge breaking free from our lives into the world and light and colors and all knowing all wanting but free from the transgressions of society and hope of betterment and wonder and socialism and time and bending to the will of the knowledge as we dance across the pages of the universe and wonder about the man that is not there to check out the thing that he wants to see but will never see for sure because he is not open or free or part of the impact of the giant butterfly of life and living and eating and sexing and librarianing.
So whatta you say, moon child? Did I miss anything? What's your favorite drinks on and off the reference desk?