Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 8)
You are gonna have the best damn day ever. How could you not? You’re on vacation and have nothing better to do, right?
Aquaman (Feb 9 - Valentine’s Day)
You will meet an interesting fish. Dummy. Who’s superpower is talking to fish?
Airman Rogers (Feb. 15 - Aug. 32)
You... jesus, man, why drink so much on a Tuesday? Your lucky numbers are whatever street number for the building at the AA meeting.
Bullwinkle (Arbor Day - Feast of St. Thomas)
You will be russian all day.
Two Dudes Just Hangin (Christmasy)
Your day will extend beyond all your greatest expectations as to what would happen when dogshit is involved.
Chemo (Yesterday to Whenever)
Not cancer. Least there’s that.
Leo (July 22 - August Niner)
You ain’t half bad and the people in your life like you. With cheese.
Sexyo (When you want, baby)
The moon is rising in your life line while you stare into the sun and wish your plants would water more. In your pants.
Booker (Cinco De Mayo Meets the Wolfman)
Just stay in and read, motherf*&ker.
Scorpio (Mom’s Birthday - Saturday)
Go out and get s#$t done, son. Today is your day! Coffee is kicking in with a cusp of WHOOOOO!
That Sign Nobody Gives A Shit About (Who cares?)
Go away. Just... Go away.
Goat Boy (See you next Tuesday)
Meeeeeeeh. Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh. Meeeh.