This sounds like a dumb questions, but I have to know. Since I was little, I have been told about this celebrity known as “Britney Spears,” however I have never seen her personally. Is this a real thing? Does she exist?
What a great question! This is something that many people have asked us for the last few years, and we are proud to say we have a definitive answer for you!
No. The entity known as “Britney Spears” never existed.
“But library man,” you say, “there’s all kinds of stuff on the Google about this blonde lady and junk.”
First, stop saying that “library man” shit. I did not go to library science school for six years and do two years of post graduate work in a library science laboratory to be called a “library man.” I am a librarian and you will respect that.
Second, yes, you can search “Britney Spears” on any and all web browsers and find evidence that a blonde woman is designated “Britney Spears.” That is all an elaborate cover up, however, and I will explain through evidence just how that happened.
When did people first become aware of Ms. Spears? To learn that, we have to go all the way back to the city of her birth, McComb, MS. We have it on factual evidence that no blonde people were ever born in McComb, MS. In fact, blonde hair dye is not even available in Pike County, MS due to an obscure river boating law that prevented the sale of all pigments that would take away color from the natural world.
“But librarian,” you ask, “she was raised in Kentwood, LA according to her Wikipedia article.”
Stop f&^king interrupting me. Damn.
And yeah, we know. I do have fellow library science experts backing me up, you know. Her name’s Debbie, she’s working on her library scientist degree and what she lacks in common sense she makes up for in dogged determination and a passion for the truth. She goes after a reference question like a horny pitbull on date night. No stopping her.
So yeah, Kentwood, LA does not exist. We tried to call there, but nobody picked up. We tried to go there, but the library mystery reference van was mysteriously out of gas. We tried to look it up on a map and the map became a railroad map from the 1800s. Kentwood, Louisiana does not exist because we tried every method we know of and it evaded us. Library Scientists and Librarians alike call that “some bullshit.”
Next, Ms. Spears was supposed to have done some stuff and became indoctrinated into a club run by an M. Mouse. Mr. Mouse forced the young lady to sing and dance for money that she could use to then buy goods and services, so we are told. When we looked into this “club,” we found that no such club exists in Waldo’s Guide to Clubs, Clans and Harems, the official listing of every group (secret or otherwise) in the western hemisphere. Furthermore, we learned that Mr. M. Mouse was code name for an actual mouse. Everyone knows that animals cannot head up secret organizations. Ms. Spears existence is becoming more doubtful the more we researched.
At this point, all historians that choose to believe lies contend that Ms. Spears began a relationship with Justin Timberlake and released her album “Baby One More Time.” A provocative video was released with someone singing and dancing while dressed in a schoolgirl uniform. However, if you look at the video you will see several discrepancies.
First, and most obvious, the young woman in question is clearly not high school aged. “She is crazy old, like 30, in that video,” says Debbie. No way would the world allow a non-teenaged person dress like a teenager. It would be, from what Debbie told me, “gross to the max, daddy-o.”
The second reason this “Britney Spears” video is not real: you can tell it is a soundstage. The walls move when people touch them. The floor shakes when the dancers dance. The clocks tick in a really loud way that clocks just do not do. A moron with Debbie’s brain could see that.
Another reason the video is clearly a fake, shot on a soundstage probably by acclaimed film director Stanley Kubrick... That’s easy.... Look at the shadows. Look at all the shadows. They just... aren’t right.
The final nail in the coffin comes with the erratic behavior starting with her relationship with Justin Timberlake. We are supposed to believe a real person would break up with that dude? Com’on. He’s cool. We reviewed the the SNL tapes where he did the thing with the box and that stuff is hilarious. Who would break up with that guy?
And we are supposed to believe that the courts would allow a person to have children after a string of weird behavior like shaving off her hair and marrying someone named K-Fed? That is not a thing that happens in Sanityville, USA, especially from anyone born in McComb, MS. Nope.
The only way this mass hallucination that is the “Britney Spears” phenomenon makes sense is an elaborate fiction. The world was dosed with drugs in the drinking water and Coca-Cola and allowed to see what they wanted: the drama of a poor girl who rose from rags and a strange mouse cult to become a superstar singer thing that broke down in front of them until she slowly rose to hot soccer mom status in her 30s. The elaborate fiction continues to this day where a person is said to have existed but does not. Review the evidence above and attempt to prove the Banned Library reference staff wrong. We dare you.
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