This is a message to inform you that our library has a computer leak. All our information has been released to the public.
What does this mean to you? Well, it means all the data we have collected from you as long as you have had your library card is available online.
What kind of data did the library have? This is a great question. The library has of course been collecting your names and addresses so we can prove you live within our service area (we get paid by those city and county property taxes so you gotta prove you pay!). We have also collected necessary contact information such as phone number, email, and fax.
Of course, there's other information we collected to consider. See, when you signed up for your library card, we included a small bit of fine print. Of course, if you read that and signed, you have no reason to read further.
Hi. Sorry you did not read the fine print. Here's the thing: we know everything about you and with this leak so does everyone else.
Ever seen the movie Se7en with Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt? There's a bit in there where Freeman uses FBI contact to look at various library check-outs to narrow down who is the murder. Of course that's not a real thing that the FBI tracks, right? About that...
We totally did that. We tracked what books, DVDs, ebooks, and audiobooks that you checked out and even picked up in the library.
Also, just to let you know, we totally collected all your DNA. Every book you checked out, chair you sat in, bathroom visit you made, or tissue you used in the library was swabbed and collected. I'll tell you right now, the inspectors thought for a bit that the county was populated by cat-human hybrids. But seriously, we mapped your shit.
Plus we got all your family information going back centuries. Thanks for coming to Genealogy Day!
So that's all I really had to say in this announcement. Heads up, y'all. Maybe change your face, too.