National Library Week crushed it this year, right? Libraries trans-muther-forming. And today we're gonna talk about something near and dear to my heart, Libraries Taking Action.
That's right, you candy-ass motherfucker, we're coming for you. Today, April 13, 2017, will be a day that will go down in library infamy. We're about to go all crazy.
First, we're coming after you, Greg. I know, high as shit and reading library blogs. You thought John Oliver was fucking with you a while back on his show, well, guess what Greg, we're all watching you.
Second, gonna have to take out the goddamn girl scouts. Sorry, ladies, it's not nonprofit to peddle your little death wafers on our land anymore. Get the fuck out, or as the kids say it, Get the fuck out bitches.
The third way our librarians are taking action today is something we're calling Project Mayhem. It's simple and direct. Every patron entering the children's department gets a bubble gun (a gun that shoots soap bubbles). Ever patron entering the reference department gets a baseball bat (a live feral bat that is stapled to a baseball). At exactly 3:27PM an announcement will be made saying "Everyone with a live feral bat stapled to a baseball will win $100,000 by popping the most bubbles." We expect fucking chaos.
The final way our librarians are going to take action is by getting out there and voting. At four o'clock in the afternoon (1600 hrs for our military friends), the library will close down and our librarians will go into the community with pencils in hand. We will vote on everything we see, from kicking your ass to not kicking your ass.
What I'm saying is, the library is devoted to Taking Action today. We promote chaos in people and order in information. We'll take you all down so you better fucking watch your candy-asses.