We all know the basic things you can do with your library card. You got your books. You got your DVDs. You got your online databases. You got your live vipers.
Oh, what's that, you didn't know about the live venomous snakes you can take from the library? Well, read on and found out a few more things that your library offers.
6. Live Animals
The library doesn't just offer live venomous snakes for check out. We offer six different types of reptiles, four amphibians, twenty-mammals, and 1,786,428 species of insects. Now, the amount of each species depends of course on what's checked out, pregnant, or hungry that day, but come on down and see what we have.
5. Sex Bots
Did you watch Her, that movie a few years back where the Phoenix boy fell in love with ScarJo's voice? Did you know that we not only have the movie at the library but actual sexual robotic mates? The library is a strong supporter in safe sex, and what's more safe than a robot? Our sex bots are also compatible with your Alexa and Google Home, so you don't have to worry about a strange voice while getting it on.
4. Farmer's Market
A few years ago, the library looked around and thought, "what can we do to make some cash?" Of course, we have the Friends of the Library over on Patreon, but they can't do all the heavy lifting to keep us going. Enter fresh fruits and veggies, grown right here in town. Buy local!
3. Palm Fans and Grape Feeding
Every Tuesday and Thursday, the library wants you to feel like a king or queen. All you have to do is go to the back of the library where our staff of librarians, all ALA accredited with master's degrees, will fan you with palm fronds and feed you grapes that have been peeled with our bare hands while answering all the questions you have about your iPhone. Weather permitting.
2. Dating Service
As a library, we want you to be super happy in all areas of your life. That includes your love life! Our circulation department is staffed with degreed librarians as well as the biggest matchmakers in town. All you have to do is tell them you are interested and they will start setting you up today! You can even call in!
We are the silent killers. Must acquire in the library. Cash only.