One of you sent me a story that's been floating around about a Maryland prison banning the Game of Thrones books because they have maps in them. This prompted a discussion in the library.
How would you end Game of Thrones if you could not find out the ending due to some arbitrary bureaucratic nonsense?
My favorite ending came from the Tech Services department. They said they would go crazy the last season, just spare no expense and pull out every idea they could think of. First, Jon Snow would get his dragon glass and Dany would get her dragon. They would parley with the Popsicle King at Winterfell.
"I'm here to kill ya as King in the North and all that," Jon Snow says.
Dany says, "Yeah, as Queen of the Whatevers and Stormborn and stuff with those dudes that rape people… I have had a problematic story line and can't remember my whole name anymore."
"You're my aunt. Gilly told me when she brought Sam his family sword before he killed the horcrux so we could defeat Dumbledore," Snow says.
"Garble garble fargle bargle," the Night King says from atop his ice dragon.
"Garble garble..." The Night King hits himself across the face, angry that for the first time in a millenia someone has asked him a question and he cannot respond. He's been studying his Westerosi Language For Dummies and he thought he had this. There's like four languages in the whole world, he thinks, and I thought I had this one.
As they struggle to parley, a bright light begins to shine over Winterfell. Everyone is shocked by this, the red comet coming back. Melisandre pops out another shadow baby she's so happy.
A portal of bright red fire and cold blue sky opens, a black hole in existence tearing reality in twain. The sounds that come forth are a mix of grinding metal, burning flesh, and Dave Grohl screaming during the Foo Fighters' song Monkey Wrench. From that hellish hole comes forth horrors of other worlds than these, terrors of night and shadow, beauty so horrible everyone forgets about Cleganebowl.
First out are the Nazi dinosaur soldiers. Velociraptors with stormtroopers on top, swastikas burned into their flesh, scream and run out and toward the undead and living alike. Dozens of Tyrannosaurus Rexes roar, metal shells on their backs and armor plating covering them head to toe charge the dragons of both ice and fire. While many dinosaurs and Nazi's perish, the dragons also die horrible deaths.
Next come the shadow creatures of the underdark. Drow warriors carrying simietars and wielding blood magic atop spiders click clack out and over the walls of Winterfell. Bugbears and owlbears and former Kentucky clerk Kim Davis race across the land to defeat all that is lovely and kind, to root out the joy and to devour the flesh of the righteous.
While the attention is to the north and the great battle with the beings of other worlds than these, only Tyrion and Cersei notice happenings of the sky and the sea. The sky over King's Landing grows dark and from it descends a dozen silver ships. The beings inside swarm the city and make short work of Gold Cloaks and the Queen's guard. Once they have Cersei, they bring out their own queen and the two bond, creating a squid-Cersei much like when Madame Hydra had that octopus on her head in the Avengers comics. Then she flys off with them.
Meanwhile, the sea off Dragonstone begins to boil. From the deep in the corpse-city of R'lyeh great Cthulhu and his hordes awake and rise. Tyrion sees this and just loses his damn mind, crapping his pants and dying. His last words are cool, though.
The final creature through the breach is a man in a suit with a blond flippy wig wearing a Make Westeros Great Again hat. A dragon stomps him flat before he says a word. That's just wish fulfillment.
We end the show, last season with the great chaos of Cthulhu verses man versus ice zombie versus Nazi dinosaurs versus drow verses Thundercats because those fuckers showed up. The camera pulls back and we get the astrolabe that greeted us for the title of each episode. The camera continues to pull back and the astrolabe is in the hands of a young boy in a small apartment.
A father walks into the apartment. Another man walks into the room, kisses the father hello and says dinner is on the table.
"Tommy, put that down and come eat," the father says.
"I wonder what he thinks about watching that all day," the other father says.
Fade to black.
The text on the screen reads "Game of Thrones will return in Die Another Day."
Credits roll and after we return to the apartment. Jaime Lannister walks in, picks up Tommy, and saying "The things I do for love," tosses the young boy out the window.