Directions for Solving the Library's Escape Room

by Banned Library in ,


You find yourself in a locked room. Two bookcases are along one wall. A door is across from them. The door has a dozen locks, all different and all requiring a code, key, or fingerprint. The door is solid as the walls. In the corner, you hear the hiss of air from a vent.

    To escape this room, do the following:

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Generic Holiday Movie Cash Grab (2017) Movie Review: Home for the holidays, indeed.

by Banned Library in ,


It's the holidays so we here at the library have been watching lots of holiday movies, but the one that shines by far has been Generic Holiday Movie Cash Grab.

    Random Blonde Lady and Tall Handsome Guy play a couple of characters who just can't seem to get in the holiday spirit. Without spoiling anything, something tragic happened at some point. Lady and Guy then get a visit from an unlikely holiday-themed place. At first, they are put off by the cheer. Will the two of them find it in their hearts to be romantic in the snow and save the thing from not being a thing for the community?

    At the core of Generic Holiday Movie Cash Grab is the romance. Lady and Guy are perfect as the couple smashed together by fate as if they were action figures played with by a hyperactive child. The screenplay guides them through a generic romance plot with a layer of snow and random jingling bells to denote the holidays are here! You'll be hard pressed not to be entertained by the side characters as well, with sarcastic Gay Best Friend and Friend of Color providing commentary and Old Flame Person slinking around for some manufactured drama.

    And don't forget the Little Broken Child. You'll shed a tear as Guy and Lady warm to the Little Broken Child and find the true meaning of the holiday: Fammunity.

    So cuddle up and watch the carefully edited for television breaks plot guide you toward feelings you may or may not feel at a time of year you're pressured to observe because at the darkest, coldest part of the year our species is driven to celebrate our eternal fight against death.

    From our fammunity to yours, have a happy generic holiday and enjoy a movie that still can appeal to religious people despite positing universal values no one can dispute.




The library's Christmas shopping list

by Banned Library in


The library is counting down the days until Christmas and wants to let you know what you can give us. We've been all around town and have located dozens of items for our list. Here are a few.

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"Tits out Miss Piggy Bank" is the number one item on our list for collecting fines and overall just lightening up the children's desk.

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"Suck It Monkey" will be a delightful addition to our reference collection.

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By hiring "Drunken Italian Stereotype," we feel our Books and Dinner programs will have the best food available.

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Nuff said.

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The library needs a mentor and what better to lead us than a figure from our past?

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The library needs to show children with "The Boy Who Didn't Believe" that if you don't believe in things, a fat bearded man will kidnap you.

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Can't go wrong with a box of hammers.

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Zombie Santa wants us as much as we want him.

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Again, the children's desk is looking a little drab. Can't you help us lighten it up with the flintlock lamp?

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Don't think we didn't forget about the Circulation Department's voodoo doll collection.

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Nothing wrong with a sexual representation of Mr. And Mrs. Clause.

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Just cause.

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If you don't have a bucket of leering Santas on your wish list, whose dick are you trying to suck?

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We round out the list with our favorites: What if Santa was a Muppet...

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and what if Mrs. Clause needed some sex?




Falling for Peyton Place and Mark Twain

by Banned Library in


Fall is here! Shit fell off trees!

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This past week's book was At the Mountains of Madness by HP Lovecraft because it was short and on sale. Still, it took me too long to listen to and honestly, I barely listened to it. If you've ever read Lovecraft, you know the archaic language can be impenetrable and at 2X speed I listen to things... My mind wandered, Still, check it out.

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Still making it through Peyton Place and by god, this is an excellent book. Just trash and awesome at it, showing with blatant fury the small town bullshit with a punk rock attitude of "fuck all these people." 

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Lots of things this day made me super happy, from @libraryeliza realizing that the old man teacher in the Last Jedi trailer was Luke Skywalker, but the top has to be "How to Tell a Story" by Mark Twain. This short essay makes me super happy to read because our greatest American author still commands that title by playing with and enjoying the art of story deconstruction. Pauses and rambling, indeed.