Suggestion Box

Earlier today, I checked the library suggestion box.

    Don't ever check the library suggestion box. Just let the damn thing sit there and get full. When it's full, take it to the back, further back past the circulation librarian's office, past the technical services desk, past the table with tape all over it because that's how you fix books. Take it to the back dark corner of the workroom and set it down.

    Next you need a metal trash can. If you do not have a metal trash can, can you even call yourself a library?

    Take the metal trash can and drag it over to the dark corner in the back of the library. If there is anything in the metal trash can not worth burning, take it out.

    Start a fire with your library-issued chrome lighter. Use what you can, but make it hot and make it burn. Broken pallets work best or pine wood for scent.

    When the yellow and orange cleansing bath has been drawn, pick up the suggestion box. Hold it tight and close to the flames. Lid out, at an angle, open the box.

    There may be a force from the escaping suggestions. Allow the box to cradle in your arm, much like a baby attempting to get down but a baby that needs to eat. Eat baby, eat, you say as you tip the open suggestion box forward to the fire.

    When you are done, feel free to return the box to the circulation desk. It's presence makes people feel better. As if they are being listened to.

If you have a question or comment for the library, reach out to us on our contact page, twitter, or email. Never Facebook or its hell spawn Instagram. Or maybe.

Talking Portals (Grog the Barbarian Librarian, Part 4)

Last time, Grog and Naomi the children's librarian had a little problem with a patron. Now Grog is with his old friend Lecher, somehow aged into the elderly Old Ben.

Grog felt confused by the situation. Confusion often spawned the need for drink and food or a good fight to wash away the unease. Grog looked at his old friend who he had thought dead and said yes.

    Outside a breeze blew light across the field next to the library. Lecher and Grog followed the sidewalk around the building to a small concrete amphitheater. Each sat, Letcher with a grunt and pops and Grog with the ease of a dragon lighting on a stone wall. Grog pulled from a small pouch around his waist a stone, spit on it, and began to sharpen Metal Death.

    "I thought I'd find out who she was. But then you came. Right before, we were out here. Everybody. The eclipse came and then you came. I thought I'd find out more, though," Lecher said.

    Grog waited and let his mind calm with the motions of stone and metal.

    "This is like that time in Gocanti. Right?" Lecher said.

    Grog said nothing. He listened to the old man remember his youth, not so long ago for Grog, and the sing of the blade as the stone honed the edge.

    "It was like now. Little cold, but that could be my bones. Breeze in the air. I had a hell of a time with the fire, but I got it going with that damn iron wood. Smokeless. Still not sure how you found me in that forest," Lecher said.

    "Smell," Grog said.

    Lecher didn't know if Grog meant the campfire or Lecher himself. Could be a joke or not, for the big man rarely smiled. He said, "The Goconti, they were hiding that fella with the ax for a hand. Don't even remember his name, been so long. Time's off here. Slower. I came with nothing, in a time called the seventies. It's the tens or something now. I can't keep up. They change so much in this world. So fast. Back home, that sword or my knives solved most problems.  Here they create them. I learned how this world works just in time for them to change it with computers."

    He saw the confusion on Grog's face. He said, "The light screens. Computers. Can't seem to get them."

    Grog continued to sharpen his sword. Up and down. Stone on metal. Shining steel in the afternoon sun.

    "They followed me here," Lecher said.

    Grog stopped. "Who?" he said.

    "Some of Thorn's guards. I killed them, no matter. Some of them."

    Grog went back to sharpening with a grunt.

    "Well, followed is wrong. They seemed as surprised as me. I don't think she had control then. Not much. Those guards got caught up in the portals, same as me. One, we came in on one of the streets and this thing they got called a bus run him over." Lecher clapped his hands, laughing. "That left two, case there was three in all. At first. We came out over there by that dumpster. I ran and they chased. We went downtown. Killed one behind this restaurant, diner. They know me there. Matt's Place. Good meatloaf. I'll take you."

    "What about the others?" Grog said.

    "Oh, I killed them. There was confusion after that. Dead bodies don't happen often here, Grog. Well, they do, but not like back home. People notice if the wrong people die," Lecher said.

    "Who are the wrong people?" Grog said.

    Lecher laughed again and threw up his hands. "I don't know. But you know what?"

    Grog waited.

    "About twenty years ago, another portal opened. Portents like the sky darkening and a storm. This guy who I used to pal around with, Oscar, he told me. I was away at the time. Got a little job in the art business."

    "And?" Grog said.

    "Most of the art in this world is crap. They don't protect it. I could just walk in and grab most stuff. There's this abstract stuff I kinda like, but I have to show you this one guy who did these things. One, called Starry Night-"

    "About the portal, Lecher," Grog said.

    "Oh, yeah," Lecher said and paused. His eyes were off on a piece of art at another place in another time. Grog waited until his friend caught up and came back around to the present.

    Lecher said, "Oscar said this purple portal opened up, just popped open like some movie, and these guys came out of it all dressed in tunics with the Thorn's mark."

    Grog nodded.

    "They seemed to know more than I did, the way Oscar tells it. Scouts most likely, because they went back in the portal. Oscar said later they stayed longer."

    "The portals opened for a long time?" Grog went back to his sword, sharpening it.

    Lecher said, "I've seen it myself. When I came back, Oscar told me about it. Told me to stay away from the portal and the men. Seemed the men liked to ask questions and recruit if they could People went missing. And that's not the best part."

    Grog said, "She's here."

    Lecher nodded. "A big storm, another eclipse. I could feel it. What little magic I had has dwindled over the years and this world had none. I know what it feels like, though. And whoever she is playing at, she's not wearing them robes or the mask. She's be out there and I got an idea about who she and a few of her soldiers are."

    Around the front of the library came the "whoop-whoop" of a police siren. Grog, altered by the sound, stood and brought Metal Death up.

    Lecher said, "Don't worry. You haven't done anything wrong. They'll think you're a cosplayer or-"

    The old man's voice cut off and became a gasp and a gurgle. Grog turned and found an arrow sticking out of this old friend's throat.

Stay tuned on Fridays for the continuing adventures of Grog the Destroyer and how he became the Banned Library's children's librarian.

For all Grog Stories, go on this link and read from the bottom up.

Or you could wait until we collect them all and buy them from the bookstore.

Because WTF Luke Skywalker (spoilers for Last Jedi)

Carl took the stack of books from the lady and waited for her to hand him her library card. The lady was bent over, talking softly to something below Carl's reach. Carl waited.

    "Can you fucking believe that shit?" Pam said, coming through the door from the circulation workroom behind the desk.

    "What shit?" Carl said.

    The woman shot up with her eyes wide. "Excuse me," she said high and loud.

    "Excuse me, too. Fucking Luke Skywalker was gonna kill somebody for maybe being evil? The same Luke that got over his daddy issues and turned Vader to the light? That ain't the fucking Luke I remember," Pam said.

    The woman said, "Young lady, you can't talk that way in front of Lucy."

    Pam's face blanched and she leaned over the desk. She said, "Oh goodness, I'm so sorry little- what the fuck?"

    The patron said, "I'm going to report you."

    Carl said, "What's wrong?"

    Pam leaned back and pointed to the door. "Get that fucking alligator out of here."

    "I need the name of your supervisor," the woman said.

    "I'ma get my gun and shoot that thing," Pam said and went back through the door.

    The woman left the building, half dragging her pet alligator out the door, her stack of books on the circulation desk in front of a downtrodden Carl.

    "I don't even like Star Wars," Carl said.

Fighting over children (Grog the Barbarian Librarian)

Grog has been reunited with his old friend Lecher, now old after waiting years in the library. Seems he and Grog went through different portals which spit them out at different times. Before they could catch up, though, someone screams from the Children's department!

Grog jumped forward, swift and easy and through the doors and down the steps before the others could turn to follow him with their eyes. Chris and Naomi followed and Ben let them all go, heading toward the elevator.
     Brenda watched Grog bound down the steps and stand, his sword in his hand looking like the giant metal claw of a patient beast. The reflection of the pink summer reading shirt on the blade had a strange beauty to the woman.
     "My son is none of your business," a man yelled. The sound was followed by another child's cry.
     Grog strode with confidence toward the children's department. He saw the little ones and his heart soared. They did battle. A small child lay pinned under the body of a larger boy with sandy hair. The small boi was the quiet one from the circle, the one with the brises. Grog saw now how that must be possible. The boy was a poor fighter.
     Rosa told the man in a high voice, "Get your son and leave." 
     This annoyed Grog as he wished to see how the small one would overpower his opponent. He frowned when the child began to cry and curl into a ball The larger boy also frowned and pulled at the smaller arms, ripping from them a small book.
     "See what you been writing about me, Timmy," the sandy haired boy said, getting up.
     The man crossed the room and instead of congratulating the larger boy, yanked the smaller one from the carpet. 
     "Come on, you little cry baby," the man said.
     "He's got my book," Tim said.
     The father stopped and released his son. "Then go get it back," he said.
     When the boy lowered his head and said nothing, the father began walking away. As he passed Grog, he matched eyes with the barbarian and found the floor. The boy followed when the man bellowed from the front door.
     Naomi walked through the space with a disgusted look on her face. "Reggie," she said.
     The sandy haired boy, Reggie, rolled his eyes and thrust at the book he had taken from Tim. "He started it, Mrs. Naomi."
     Rosa spoke without being asked. "He beats that boy and you know it. All the bruises."
     Naomi took the book. She shook her head at Rosa and said, "You argued with the dad and not the boys fighting?"
     "You're not putting this on me," Rosa said.
     "Mrs. Naomi, Timmy was drawing me and the little crap was laughing. Look," Reggie said.
     "Out, Reggie. Two days," Naomi said.
     "But Mrs. Naomi."
     "Out. I'll be in my office." Naomi walked book in hand past the library assistant and the children's desk. She opened the door behind it into a dark room, leaving it open, and Grog heard another door open and shut.
     A hand fell on Grog's elbow. Ben said, "Walk an old man to the curb, Groggy?"

Stay tuned on Fridays for the continuing adventures of Grog the Destroyer and how he became the Banned Library's children's librarian.

For all Grog Stories, go on this link and read from the bottom up.

Or you could wait until we collect them all and buy them from the bookstore.

She Made a Scanner Darkly

"It won't scan, it just comes out dark," the lady said. She held up a piece of paper that was solid black. You could just make out printing.

    Pam and Carl exchanged a look that said "this crazy lady is trying to photocopy a purple sheet of paper on a black and white copier and doesn't get how pants work." This look was a very normal look for them.

    Carl said, "Let's go look at the copier and see what's wrong." He was only volunteering to help because Pam had helped the last patron, a man who was looking for large print audio books.

    At the copier, Carl got a bit of a shock. Attached to the copier was a squid making sweet love to the office machine.

    "That wasn't here earlier," the woman said.

    "Squick Squick Squick," the squid said.

    "Huh," Carl said.

    The two of them waited, staring at the sea life having its way with the photocopier. The woman dreamed of being touched so gently. Carl wondered how it was lasting so long.

    Then a man came around the corner. He had on a beige uniform that fit a little snug. A patch on the shirt read "Johnson Photocopying." He said, "Sorry folks, ole Reggie's just finishing up filling the toner. He takes his time about it, but then, he's not paid so I guess I would to."

    Carl, the woman, and the copy machine man waited while Reggie the squid fucked the copy machine. Reggie said, "Squick, squick, squick." The machine remained silent.