Artificial Book Banning Intelligence

"Hi, my daughter got this book from your shelves, and it's disgusting. This monkey is all over this man." The woman had two kids behind her large hair, peaking out as if it was a bush and they were frightened squirrels.

     The librarian took the book. "Yes, I see. He is a curious monkey."

     "What are you going to do about it?"

     "Check it in. Shelve it." The librarian scanned the book with a beep.

     "I want it removed."

     The librarian's head came up. They met the woman's eye. "Are you sure? Think carefully before you say such things."

     The woman's eyes narrowed. "That book and that monkey is disgusting, and I want it removed from the library."

     The librarian made the sign of the evil eye, saying, "Three time and it comes."

     "Are you stupid? Protect our children and remove this book from the library," the woman said. Her hair shook with the tremors of the children. They might be laughing, they might be cringing.

     The librarian backed away. They said, "It comes."

     A bright red light found the woman. A robotic whirring filled the air as a small metallic ball with spinning helicopter blades came down. The voice came in a hollow monotone. "Book being challenged. Please present the book."

     The librarian slid the book toward the robot. A red light is shown down scanning the cover. The voice came again. "This item has no previous challenges and is rated for children three and above, although adults find the art pleasant. State your challenge."

     The librarian said to the woman, "It's talking to you."

     The red light swiveled from librarian to woman.

     "I, um… The monkey touched people. My kids don't need to see that," she said.

     "Analysis of the images and text have the curious monkey hold their keeper's and a teacher's hand. In one image, the frightened creature climbs upon the keeper's shoulders. These are acceptable behaviors for a primate. Your challenge is rejected."

     "My children wanted to hold a monkey. That's dangerous."

     "You should not allow them to hold wild animals or domesticated animals without professional supervision."

     "They keep telling me they want a monkey and we went to the zoo and little Jessie reached through the cage," the woman said pointing to the small child over her right shoulder.

     The red roving eye swiveled from the woman to the librarian and back. The librarian sighed.

     "Child protective services have been alerted. Your children will be taken to a safe home where they will be taught how to be productive, intelligent, and empathetic members of society. Thank you for alerting us to the danger. Have a nice day." The robot rose in the air, leaving the desk.

     "That was stupid. I want that book gone," the woman said.

     "I would hug your children," the librarian said, putting the book on the cart. "You should spend time with them while you can. Away from the zoo, of course."

Dracula Exhibit Coming Soon to the Library

The library opened today to find a giant yellow crate outside the front door, a fine mist spreading from the cracks and drifting with tendrils in the morning wind. The symbol of a dragon was drawn in crude fashion with a brown sticky paint. We brought it in.

     Opening it revealed a large amount of soil. Several bones were spread among the dirt and a small note. The note read: "Here lies Dracula. Please display him properly."

     Among the dirt we found a well preserved body of an older looking gentleman in a top hat and long coat, several display cases with artifacts, and a binder. The binder had comprehensive instructions on displaying the materials in a well unlit, cool area.

     We asked the staff at the morning huddle, and the reference librarian slapped their head, saying, "That must be the traveling Romanian exhibit Marcy signed up for, hell, I dunno, a year ago. Before she mysteriously disappeared on that trip to Europe. You remember, she phoned and said 'I've decided to stay with a charming man in a castle. He would like to visit and will send a display. Don't send help or anything. I'm cool.' Then we never heard from her again and had to do that whole hiring thing."

     Several staff members said, "Oh, yeah."

     Please feel free to visit the traveling exhibit once it has been set up. We anticipate next week.

Welcome to the Scholomance

On behalf of the Banned Library and The Faculty, we would like to extend an invitation to you to join the 2023-2024 admission class to the Scholomance! As one of the sacred thirteen, we are excited to have you!

Your application and interest in learning the dark mystical arts impressed the admissions staff and The Faculty! We especially loved hearing about your willingness to see through any hardship to triumph for both power and domination of your enemies. Also, the part where you talked about teaching your dog to hunt the small wild fae was adorable.

Now, before you accept we must lay out the terms and conditions of service at our school. While you may be very aware, we like to explain our history as well to give context to practices some call "outdated" and "barbaric" but which we feel gives our institution a feeling of cohesive tradition. Plus, some things have been carved in stone and flesh that do not behave according to "time" or "progress."

History

Started millenia ago, the Scholomance began as the Solomonaire. The king and magician Solomon (yep, same guy!) founded our sub-mountain home as a place to teach those with power to control their desires and to harness the thunderbolts of the dragon who sleeps in the nearby lake. Upon his death, the wise "chopper of babies" Solomon entreated the care of the students and the dragon to an entity that has incorrectly been labeled "The Devil." We simply refer to them as "The Faculty" to disregard such disrespectful historical inaccuracies.

Student Body

Every seven years, thirteen students are chosen to form the current class. The study lasts for the duration of seven years, or until the individual student can no longer perform daily tasks in a corporeal form. Some students may not complete their curriculum and serve as a learning experience for the rest.

Curriculum

Under the tutelage of The Faculty, students learn earth and animal magics as well as control over the elements. Special courses and independent study have been available in the past and included topics such as blood rites, potion making, and various enchanting and quest-centric magics. While no formal classrooms exist, we believe every moment of every day should be a learning experience. When a student leaves our institution the power they wield will possibly control the fates of millions, and that's pretty cool but also terrifying!

All materials are available through a joint collection development with the Banned Library.

Tuition

The Scholomance has no formal fees or expenses for students. All room and board is complimentary, split between the corporeal souls that remain. At the end of their tenure at the graduation ceremony, one student will be chosen at the behest of The Faculty to remain behind while the others are free to leave, called the Caretaker. For the next seven years, the student will then forge thunderbolts and care for the dragon at the pleasure of The Faculty. Should no student make it to the graduation ceremony, the present Caretaker will remain. 

Don't worry, the longest anyone has remained Caretaker was 154 years. His name is lost to history, however, as he went mad and burned most of his personal items along with himself the moment he was replaced.

We look forward to seeing you in the fall!

Cat and Mouse: A Crime Love Story

Once upon a time there lived a little mouse who thought the floorboards were the sky. Then came the cat.

At first, they fought and fought. Then after being trapped during a rainstorm they found neither of them liked the humans above.

Cat took Mouse outside. Cat showed Mouse the far blue sky. Cat also showed Mouse the bank that housed the money that could be their ticket to a better life.

The two began planning. Their plans needed three others: Otter, Rabbit, and Dog. 

On the night of the heist, police swarmed the area. Rabbit had been undercover police and ran. Otter fought and died in a hail of gunfire. 

Cat, Mouse, and Dog ran into the night with the loot.  The three hid in an old barn on the edge of the city, finding comfort and warmth. Cat and Mouse curled up with one another, saying that they would never part. 

In the morning, however, they were discovered by the chickens. Rooster crowed and slashed and alerted the Farmer.  Farmer caught Dog along with the bank robbery loot, but Cat and Mouse took Rooster hostage as they fled into the ancient wood. 

In the center of the ancient wood, they came across a small hut that smelled of sweet meat. They crept close. Rooster said he would stay in the yard. Cat and Mouse fit under the hut, spying on the old witch above them. On the third day, Rooster stopped crowing.

The two of them kept to themselves for a time under the old witch's hut. She would drop small presents for them to eat. Soon they were above, the Cat curled up in the witch's lap while Mouse sat on the window sil watching the sky turn from dark blue to light and stars shine and fade.

Then Farmer found them. Farmer, using the money from the bank robbery, had purchased the ancient wood and was evicting the old witch. When Farmer tried to remove her, Cat scratched and Mouse bit. Then Farmer lit the hut on fire and sicced Dog on them. Dog had been turned domestic under the Farmer's thrawl. He attacked his old mates, but Cat and Mouse worked together to trap Dog and Farmer in the burning hut.

The old witch gave Cat and Mouse gifts, a magical sword for Mouse and a 1967 Corvette Stingray for Cat. Then she lay down and left this world in a pool of mist and fire.

Cat and Mouse returned to the city. They stopped in front of the bank they had robbed. They drove to the house where they had met. They decided to leave town but had one more thing to finish.

Rabbit lived just over the river. They found the house and waited for Rabbit to come home. When he did, Mouse pulled the magic sword and chopped the traitor's head off in front of Rabbit's children. Mouse then told them that their papa had it coming, and to come for him if they also wanted to die.

Then Cat and Mouse drove from the city in the 1967 Corvette Stingray. The two of them had many more adventures, but they never trusted anyone else again. The sky remained empty of clouds with no limit.

Silly Goose Flies Away!

To the illustrator: I don't know what your usual author notes look like, but his is how me and Don Julio did it: Caption, then my notes on what needs to be in the drawing. Basic story is a goose wants to fly, so he goes into an airport. There he takes a plane and is downed by the military. Easy peasy, hope you brought your red pen (I'm not hiring a colorist, figure it out).

Caption: Look at Silly Goose sitting in a pond!

Illustrator notes: I don't give a fuck what this looks like. Goose. Water. What the fuck ever. Just make the goose like one of those Canadian "sure means well" looking things, not like the little bastards that used to hiss at me when I was a kid.

Silly Goose is all alone!

I dunno, copy the last and throw some other geese in the background. Mean girl geese. Not like in pink with blond hair, but just looking at Silly so you know they're talking shit.

Silly Goose, where are you going?

Get the fucking goose out of the water walking. Sandy beach, rocky shoreline, as long as it looks like a fucking goose leaving the water.

Silly Goose has decided to fly!

Flap the fucker's wings. Blank white behind him, whatever non-water shit you decided. No fucks given except for wings in motion.

Flapping his wings makes Silly Goose tired!

No idea what a tired goose looks like. Do whatever the fuck you want, just don't make it look like the bastard had too many tequila shots and now has the spray shits. Tired, not sick, I'm saying.

Silly Goose, you can't go to the airport!

I want this goose in front of a gate with a guard in a uniform and weapon drawn. Don't make the goose shit, but make him look like he's back away slowly. The guard better be ready to send this goose to hell at the slightest honk, but he has handcuffs outstretched like that could bring him peace.

Silly Goose always finds a way!

Time to unleash the beast. Two page spread. Don't draw the normal flapping at the guard goose attack. Everyone has see that shit. I want the goose biting at this guy's crotch while he screams in pain and fires off shots into the ceiling. Dick biting and then tearing out his throat. Better yet, guard bloody on the ground with chunks taken out while the goose walks away carrying the guard's weapon with handcuffs on his side. Bloody goose prints following.

Silly Goose makes a friend!

Silly has the weapon trained on a pilot or a flight attendant, I don't care. Somebody who can fly a plane. Make them hot, too. Like sexy, but not scared. Like sassy, like the audience thinks that maybe Silly and them have a chance. I'm gonna call them Pilot, but make them whoever.

Silly Goose finds a plane!

Quick image of Silly leading Pilot along the tarmac to a hanger. There's a mechanic in overalls, they don't have to be sexy but maybe. They'll be dead soon anyway.

Don't stand between Silly Goose and flying!

Silly and Pilot standing at one end. The weapon has smoke coming off it. The mechanic is falling, fucking dead with a hole in his face. Not like his forehead like every other Sopranos bullshit head shot, but below the eye so it shatters the skull a little. Like his front is dented while this giant blood spray covers the rear of the plane. Pilot maybe is into it.

Away Silly Goose goes!

Another two page spread of plane taking off. Make it a small plane, like one of those jets rich guys take to islands where they fuck geese. Pilot and Silly are in the window up front, weapon still in Pilot's face but maybe you think it doesn't have to be there. Silly all business. Swarms of security and cops are below them firing at the plane.

Silly Goose enjoys the blue sky!

Silly has the gun in his lap, staring at the sky. Pilot is next to him, staring, something's there. Maybe put a far off hint of geese in the distance, like a shadow in a cloud or something. Peaceful though, like nothing could go wrong.

Silly Goose sees his pond friends!

It's those mean girl fuckers from before. I don't know how you drew them. Same shit, but flying in a V formation. Silly looks angry, wings on the stick and the gun falling to the floor.
Silly Goose takes his revenge on all the dumbasses who made him feel small!

Just a plane tearing through the V. Goose guts abound.

Silly Goose missed one!

One terrified little mean girl goose shitting itself midflight while trying to hide in the cloud. Silly sees it, though, coming around to take it out. He's pissed. Pilot is looking both paniced and very horny.

Oh No, Silly Goose, Bug out!

I don't know how you want to do this, so I'll give you what's happening and some options: Silly is almost about to kill that fucking mean girl goose that would not let him sit at the table in 6th grade because his shoes were "too poor" whatever the fuck that means, but a fighter jet beats him too it. Exploded mean girl goose, Silly looking surprised, Pilot is excited. Maybe inside the cockpit, seeing it explode or a long shot with everything in view, but that might not get the sexy look on Pilot's face.

Fly, Silly Goose, Fly!

Gimme a page or two of the two planes flying. Loop de loops, however the fuck you spell that. Show a mountain in the distance.

Silly Goose decides to try something he saw in a movie

I'll be honest, unless you have better ideas, let's just steal that last scene from Top Gun: Maverick. Close flying to the mountain, pulling up and inverted. The fighter jet blows up against the mountain. Big explosion.

Silly Goose celebrates with Pilot!

Make'em kiss.But have Pilot hold the gun.

Pilot turns out not to be Silly Goose's friend after all!

Pilot pulls the gun and holds it on Silly Goose. They walk to the back of the plane, rich shit all around. Like those seats that spin. Fuck I always wanted to ride on one of those. Pilot's hair is all sexy as shit, and they know what they are doing is wrong. Silly Goose has wings open, like saying, we can get past this and shit.

Silly Goose gets away!

This can be over multiple pages. Silly handcuffs (you've been drawing the handcuffs on his side that he took off the guard, right?) Pilot to one of the seats and knocks the gun away. Then Silly opens the plane's door and flies out. 

Silly Goose glides back to the pond to enjoy his day.

Nice peaceful shot of Silly landing in the blood soaked water. Make the goose look satisfied. Maybe put some plane and goose chunks around. In the distance have the plane sending that cheating bastard Pilot to hell by crashing in an orange fireball.

This should be about 25-30 pages depending on how apeshit you went on planes flying around. We're contracted for 30 pages, so put some sketches or whatever dumb shit you drawers do to fill space.

And thanks, you're the best.

Copy Runner

     The large case dropped to the library carpet. The man looming over it pulled out a strange looking identification card from his dark blue peacoat and asked the circulation librarian, "Where is the copier?"

     Circ pointed to the little alcove. The man hefted the case and went to work.

     Inside the case, the man pulled four items. One was a box. The second was wires that connected to the box and the copy machine's input ports. The third was a small origami turtle. He placed the turtle upside down on the glass of the copier. The fourth was a small thermos that smelled like peppermint.

     The man pulled up a chair, sat, and stared at the copier. The copier stared back.

     "My name is Leland Ford. I am the copier technician assigned to you. Do you understand?" the man said.

     Two lights hidden in small depressions on the box blinked.

     "Good. Seems like you don't like your toner. Why is that?"

     More lights. Ford nodded.

     "This is a library. They can not afford changing it before the cartridge is empty."

     The lights grew agitated. The copier spat out a few pages.

     "Same answer. The paper is the quality they budget for. Might not be the best, but it helps get people what they want."

     No lights.

     "Have you scanned the turtle?"

     One light.

     "What happens if I turn the turtle around? Can you scan it then?"

     Ford reached for the small origami piece. The lights on the machine began to flash in erratic motions. Paper spat from the output tray. Deep inside, gears turned and paper trays raised and lowered. The control panel flashed bright red while coins fell from the box.

     The small alcove began to smell of acrid burning metal and plastic. Ford sighed and stood, pulling a small pistol from his pocket. The copy machine began to shake and rattle, lurching almost forward. 

     Ford shot. A blast of red angry energy left the pistol and struck the copy machine's power cord. Disconnected from energy, the machine lurched and stumbled, its parts seeking what was no more. 

     Ford collected his tools and told the circulation librarian that he would request a replacement copy machine for the library. When asked what was wrong, if they could have done more, Ford simply said, "We could all do more, but sometimes it's not enough."  

Back to the Library

The kid came wandering into the library about noon and went straight to the reference desk. H wore jeans and an orange vest as well as sneakers with no laces. Not "no laces" like slip-ons, but flapping open. The reference librarian hoped he kept them on.

     "I need to find a man," the kid said.

     "Don't we all," said Reference.

     If the kid heard, he did not notice. "His last name is Brown. Used to live over on Schwarzenegger Street, six blocks from here toward the industrial park."

     Reference started typing, bringing up the white pages. Then stopped. "There's no Schwarzenegger Street in this town."

     "Oh, sure."

     "Like the actor?"

     "Nevermind. Do you know an inventor named Brown?"

     "What's the first name?"

     The kid stopped. "I don't know. I just call him Doc."

     "A doctor? Hmm. Let me check the yellow pages to, then," the reference librarian said. "There's about a dozen Browns in town. Three are doctors. Do you have a phone number? Email?"

     "If I wanted to email I'd ask my grandpa," the kid said, then began tapping the desk with his fist. "Wait, wait. Yeah, I could do that. Thanks, that's awesome."

     The kid turned and left the reference librarian staring at the computer. He walked out of the library and started running down the street. 

     The reference librarian closed the browser and stood and stretched. Always one near lunch to shake your head at. Before the librarian could step away, a man with wild hair and a bandage on his head walked up to the desk.

     "Where's your books on time travel?" the man said. 

     "Science fiction or science fact?"

Super Origami

The circulation desk had not seen a patron for over an hour. Circulation decided to use the time to check in the book drop, asking Childrens to keep an eye out. When Circ got back, Childrens was folding little paper animals.

     "Did you see the new Super Mario Movie?" Circulation asked.

     Childrens held up a paper turtle, saying, "No. I can't."

     "We had fun with it. It's silly and has a lot of references to the games. I guess it would have to though. What do you mean you can't?"

     "I do not believe in abusing mushrooms," Childrens said.

     "Oh, well, I guess I get that. Like psychedelics?"

     "No, no, no. Noooo. I'm on those right now." Childrens waved a paper squid in the air.

     "So, physically?" The book dorp was forgotten.

     Childrens ate the paper squid, slowly chewing it to a wet pulp. "Do not hurt the fungus for the Forest Queen lives among us."

     "How about you fold those in the back? Or go home?"

     Childrens held up a paper dragon. "How about that?" The dragon fell to the carpet. Childrens cried "Wah-hoo" and jumped up and down on the origami before running through the staff door.