How to Get Rid of a Body: Happy Spooky Season

For as long as Grandmas have been jumping Snake River Canyon or beloved pets have been finding themselves on farms, people have been looking to get rid of a body. Sometimes, this tradition is done with somber reflection and grief. Sometimes they shoot Hunter S. Thompson out of a cannon.

Here are five ways to use the elements to vanish the dead:

Earth

Ah, burial. A classic. Dig a hole, let gravity and your little cousin do the rest. And the worms, of course. Maybe a very determined coyote depending on your or your little cousin's digging skill. Bonus points if the ground is moist or swampish to hurry along decomposition. Maybe that adds water to the mix, but it's mostly dirt.

Fire

Another wonder of human innovation: burning stuff. This can go along with a variety of methods, but the pure form is a bunch of sticks and taco seasoning. Light and wait for the ashes, gather them in a coffee can, and take your volleyball coach to the beach for one more game. Or make a diamond or ink or whatever else people do with ashes.

Wind/Sky

We thought this would be pretty hard to figure but then cultures around the world were like: yup. To be honest, this is mostly a bird thing. Some just chop the body to little bits so the birds can carry the person away in their tum tums. Others build a kinda tall bed so the birds don't have to work so hard. Or harder, I'm not a bird guy.

Water

When I first saw this, I was like: fire right? Body goes in the boat, boat goes in the water, fire arrow goes in the boat. Our boat. But this is another bird thing, for the most part. Just set your dead guy on a boat in a river or ocean, push off, and make it someone else's problem. Bird, maybe fish, get a meal and everyone can pretend they left for the summer. Good deal.

Spirit

For those of you that will miss your loved one or those who went to Arizona State, we have the spiritual burial. Does this mean a lot of church shit? Nope. We mean party. With the dead folk. Dress that body up for a night out (sunglasses help cause creepy), and drink and toast to them all night. Maybe put them by the door like the world's worst bouncer. The point, at the end of the night maybe they go home with someone and problem solved.

Welcome to the Scholomance

On behalf of the Banned Library and The Faculty, we would like to extend an invitation to you to join the 2023-2024 admission class to the Scholomance! As one of the sacred thirteen, we are excited to have you!

Your application and interest in learning the dark mystical arts impressed the admissions staff and The Faculty! We especially loved hearing about your willingness to see through any hardship to triumph for both power and domination of your enemies. Also, the part where you talked about teaching your dog to hunt the small wild fae was adorable.

Now, before you accept we must lay out the terms and conditions of service at our school. While you may be very aware, we like to explain our history as well to give context to practices some call "outdated" and "barbaric" but which we feel gives our institution a feeling of cohesive tradition. Plus, some things have been carved in stone and flesh that do not behave according to "time" or "progress."

History

Started millenia ago, the Scholomance began as the Solomonaire. The king and magician Solomon (yep, same guy!) founded our sub-mountain home as a place to teach those with power to control their desires and to harness the thunderbolts of the dragon who sleeps in the nearby lake. Upon his death, the wise "chopper of babies" Solomon entreated the care of the students and the dragon to an entity that has incorrectly been labeled "The Devil." We simply refer to them as "The Faculty" to disregard such disrespectful historical inaccuracies.

Student Body

Every seven years, thirteen students are chosen to form the current class. The study lasts for the duration of seven years, or until the individual student can no longer perform daily tasks in a corporeal form. Some students may not complete their curriculum and serve as a learning experience for the rest.

Curriculum

Under the tutelage of The Faculty, students learn earth and animal magics as well as control over the elements. Special courses and independent study have been available in the past and included topics such as blood rites, potion making, and various enchanting and quest-centric magics. While no formal classrooms exist, we believe every moment of every day should be a learning experience. When a student leaves our institution the power they wield will possibly control the fates of millions, and that's pretty cool but also terrifying!

All materials are available through a joint collection development with the Banned Library.

Tuition

The Scholomance has no formal fees or expenses for students. All room and board is complimentary, split between the corporeal souls that remain. At the end of their tenure at the graduation ceremony, one student will be chosen at the behest of The Faculty to remain behind while the others are free to leave, called the Caretaker. For the next seven years, the student will then forge thunderbolts and care for the dragon at the pleasure of The Faculty. Should no student make it to the graduation ceremony, the present Caretaker will remain. 

Don't worry, the longest anyone has remained Caretaker was 154 years. His name is lost to history, however, as he went mad and burned most of his personal items along with himself the moment he was replaced.

We look forward to seeing you in the fall!

Heathers (1988) - Back to School

     Maybe it's because I grew up with them, but I love extreme satirical psycho movies. Especially with teens. Something about the illusion of innocence added with a lack of shame causes wonderful moments of bombastic strawmen to die with gruesome intent. The only thing that could make Heathers better is if Paul Verhoeven had directed it.

     Our story is about Veronica, a kind if checked out girl making her way through high school along with her friends, the Heathers, popular girls who throw their privilege around. Enter JD, a malcontent willing to do whatever he finds entertaining who wins Veronica's affection and repect. Several murders and suicide attempts later, maybe this couple are not long.

     I love this movie. It's a fascinating mix of tropes to create satire. The language and visuals are heightened to a Twin Peaks level of awareness without winking too much at the camera. The characters' dress have become archetypes (black coat for psychos) or are just odd (Ryder journals with a monocle more than once). Mean Girls wants to have the teeth this story does, facing topics like suicide and homosexuality ("I love my dead gay son!") with a dark glee. Just because the kids are young does not mean they are precious. 

     My notes are all quotes, it's that much fun.

     The cast equally entertains. Sure, Christian Slater is doing his best Jack Nicholson if ole Jack had stepped out of the Shining hotel with the drink in his hand. It melds well with the sardonic turn Ryder is giving against the banal evil of the Heathers. The order of Heathers ruling the school descends into a chaotic mix by the end when a smoking Ryder rips the bow from Heather and walks away. Was anything solved? Nope.

     If your diet is mostly post-2000 teenagers in film, this will be a shock. These kids fuck and kill and curse, and if that's what you like watch this film.

More back to school reviews coming to our patreon!

Heathers

Starring Winona Ryder, Christian Slater

Field Report #244553: Red Bokoblin "Jeff"

Supervisors Note: The following is a report from the last survivor of an attack on a bokoblin camp in the Gerudo Desert. Rather than the standard debrief interview, we felt it would be more therapeutic for the subject, a 32-year-old red bokoblin named Jeff, to write the incident report in his own words. If more information is needed, Jeff is available from his relocated assignment in Hyrule Field near the Ranch Ruins.

For the record, my name is Jeff [Last name redacted] and I was stationed at Claw camp near the Southern Oasis in the Gerudo Desert. There were four of us, myself and another red named Razorclaw, along with a black boko named Sgt Painstump, a silver named Jeff 2, and an Electric Lizalfo named Steve. Didn' like Steve much, he didn' have a lot of control over his equipment and would shock the shit out of us.

The camp was standard. One flat level with a cooking pot above the ground, two scout towers. It was morning, just at first light so Sgt Painstump, Jeff 2, and Steve were asleep by the fire. I was gettin up to relive Razorclaw who had been on watch all night.

I don' know why we were targeted. We didn' have a chest or even special weapons. I had a stick. A wooden fuckin stick.

The arrow that got Razorclaw came from the dark. It was cold out there at night and it just streamed in a "ping." Razor was dead, flashing into the deep black and purple void. I blew the horn and got Sgt Painstump, Jeff 2, and Steve up, but then the real attack happened.

He came up from below. Like, I can't describe it. We were grabbing weapons and this green bloop happens. This guy in a pink hood, snow pants, and no shirt popped out from the wood as if he was swimming. I yelled, but he threw like a pinecone into the fire and launched into the air.

He had some kind of thing. It let him float. I don' fuckin know. I just know he started raining down fire and bombs on us. Sgt. Painstump got most of that. I can hear the screams.

Me, Jeff 2, and Steve were thrown clear. I hit the sand, still cold from the evening but the warm sun felt so nice. I remember laying there thinking that maybe this is what the great void was like. Then Steve started screaming.

This little weirdo had a spear with some kind of laser on it. Steve was hit a dozen times in a row. Pap pap pap pap pap you get the idea. Just over and over. I watched as Steve fell dropping all his gear. He got back up, the bastard. You could smell the ozone of Steve's lightning trying to power up, but that laser staff just kept hitting him.

I saw the ghosts when the sun rose over the mountains. The guy, Link I guess, had two ghosts with him. One bird kid who kept hammering Steve with arrows. The other was a rock guy. Link and the rock guy connected, some kind of silent thing, and Steve died in a fiery ghost blur.

I can't tell you what happened. But I know what it looks like when death and his ghost friends turn on you.

But the ghosts went away. Link, he went around picking up pieces of Steve and Razorclaw and Sgt Painstump. Pieces of my friends. I gripped my little wooden stick so hard I heard the wood creak.

Then he turned on me. The dead eyes looked at me over and he turned away. I got a rock and threw it. Don't know why. I guess I just wanted to feel like I tried. Maybe I wanted him to say something. Anything. But he kept walking then running away.

I thought about chasing him, but then realized I was supposed to tell you. I was supposed to tell my story.

Reading back, I don't even know what happened to Jeff 2. Could be out there. Could be dead.

Anyway, then Link jumped on this rock that had fallen earlier that night and I dunno, fucker just lifted into the heavens like magic.

I'll never be the same.

Cat and Mouse: A Crime Love Story

Once upon a time there lived a little mouse who thought the floorboards were the sky. Then came the cat.

At first, they fought and fought. Then after being trapped during a rainstorm they found neither of them liked the humans above.

Cat took Mouse outside. Cat showed Mouse the far blue sky. Cat also showed Mouse the bank that housed the money that could be their ticket to a better life.

The two began planning. Their plans needed three others: Otter, Rabbit, and Dog. 

On the night of the heist, police swarmed the area. Rabbit had been undercover police and ran. Otter fought and died in a hail of gunfire. 

Cat, Mouse, and Dog ran into the night with the loot.  The three hid in an old barn on the edge of the city, finding comfort and warmth. Cat and Mouse curled up with one another, saying that they would never part. 

In the morning, however, they were discovered by the chickens. Rooster crowed and slashed and alerted the Farmer.  Farmer caught Dog along with the bank robbery loot, but Cat and Mouse took Rooster hostage as they fled into the ancient wood. 

In the center of the ancient wood, they came across a small hut that smelled of sweet meat. They crept close. Rooster said he would stay in the yard. Cat and Mouse fit under the hut, spying on the old witch above them. On the third day, Rooster stopped crowing.

The two of them kept to themselves for a time under the old witch's hut. She would drop small presents for them to eat. Soon they were above, the Cat curled up in the witch's lap while Mouse sat on the window sil watching the sky turn from dark blue to light and stars shine and fade.

Then Farmer found them. Farmer, using the money from the bank robbery, had purchased the ancient wood and was evicting the old witch. When Farmer tried to remove her, Cat scratched and Mouse bit. Then Farmer lit the hut on fire and sicced Dog on them. Dog had been turned domestic under the Farmer's thrawl. He attacked his old mates, but Cat and Mouse worked together to trap Dog and Farmer in the burning hut.

The old witch gave Cat and Mouse gifts, a magical sword for Mouse and a 1967 Corvette Stingray for Cat. Then she lay down and left this world in a pool of mist and fire.

Cat and Mouse returned to the city. They stopped in front of the bank they had robbed. They drove to the house where they had met. They decided to leave town but had one more thing to finish.

Rabbit lived just over the river. They found the house and waited for Rabbit to come home. When he did, Mouse pulled the magic sword and chopped the traitor's head off in front of Rabbit's children. Mouse then told them that their papa had it coming, and to come for him if they also wanted to die.

Then Cat and Mouse drove from the city in the 1967 Corvette Stingray. The two of them had many more adventures, but they never trusted anyone else again. The sky remained empty of clouds with no limit.

Silly Goose Flies Away!

To the illustrator: I don't know what your usual author notes look like, but his is how me and Don Julio did it: Caption, then my notes on what needs to be in the drawing. Basic story is a goose wants to fly, so he goes into an airport. There he takes a plane and is downed by the military. Easy peasy, hope you brought your red pen (I'm not hiring a colorist, figure it out).

Caption: Look at Silly Goose sitting in a pond!

Illustrator notes: I don't give a fuck what this looks like. Goose. Water. What the fuck ever. Just make the goose like one of those Canadian "sure means well" looking things, not like the little bastards that used to hiss at me when I was a kid.

Silly Goose is all alone!

I dunno, copy the last and throw some other geese in the background. Mean girl geese. Not like in pink with blond hair, but just looking at Silly so you know they're talking shit.

Silly Goose, where are you going?

Get the fucking goose out of the water walking. Sandy beach, rocky shoreline, as long as it looks like a fucking goose leaving the water.

Silly Goose has decided to fly!

Flap the fucker's wings. Blank white behind him, whatever non-water shit you decided. No fucks given except for wings in motion.

Flapping his wings makes Silly Goose tired!

No idea what a tired goose looks like. Do whatever the fuck you want, just don't make it look like the bastard had too many tequila shots and now has the spray shits. Tired, not sick, I'm saying.

Silly Goose, you can't go to the airport!

I want this goose in front of a gate with a guard in a uniform and weapon drawn. Don't make the goose shit, but make him look like he's back away slowly. The guard better be ready to send this goose to hell at the slightest honk, but he has handcuffs outstretched like that could bring him peace.

Silly Goose always finds a way!

Time to unleash the beast. Two page spread. Don't draw the normal flapping at the guard goose attack. Everyone has see that shit. I want the goose biting at this guy's crotch while he screams in pain and fires off shots into the ceiling. Dick biting and then tearing out his throat. Better yet, guard bloody on the ground with chunks taken out while the goose walks away carrying the guard's weapon with handcuffs on his side. Bloody goose prints following.

Silly Goose makes a friend!

Silly has the weapon trained on a pilot or a flight attendant, I don't care. Somebody who can fly a plane. Make them hot, too. Like sexy, but not scared. Like sassy, like the audience thinks that maybe Silly and them have a chance. I'm gonna call them Pilot, but make them whoever.

Silly Goose finds a plane!

Quick image of Silly leading Pilot along the tarmac to a hanger. There's a mechanic in overalls, they don't have to be sexy but maybe. They'll be dead soon anyway.

Don't stand between Silly Goose and flying!

Silly and Pilot standing at one end. The weapon has smoke coming off it. The mechanic is falling, fucking dead with a hole in his face. Not like his forehead like every other Sopranos bullshit head shot, but below the eye so it shatters the skull a little. Like his front is dented while this giant blood spray covers the rear of the plane. Pilot maybe is into it.

Away Silly Goose goes!

Another two page spread of plane taking off. Make it a small plane, like one of those jets rich guys take to islands where they fuck geese. Pilot and Silly are in the window up front, weapon still in Pilot's face but maybe you think it doesn't have to be there. Silly all business. Swarms of security and cops are below them firing at the plane.

Silly Goose enjoys the blue sky!

Silly has the gun in his lap, staring at the sky. Pilot is next to him, staring, something's there. Maybe put a far off hint of geese in the distance, like a shadow in a cloud or something. Peaceful though, like nothing could go wrong.

Silly Goose sees his pond friends!

It's those mean girl fuckers from before. I don't know how you drew them. Same shit, but flying in a V formation. Silly looks angry, wings on the stick and the gun falling to the floor.
Silly Goose takes his revenge on all the dumbasses who made him feel small!

Just a plane tearing through the V. Goose guts abound.

Silly Goose missed one!

One terrified little mean girl goose shitting itself midflight while trying to hide in the cloud. Silly sees it, though, coming around to take it out. He's pissed. Pilot is looking both paniced and very horny.

Oh No, Silly Goose, Bug out!

I don't know how you want to do this, so I'll give you what's happening and some options: Silly is almost about to kill that fucking mean girl goose that would not let him sit at the table in 6th grade because his shoes were "too poor" whatever the fuck that means, but a fighter jet beats him too it. Exploded mean girl goose, Silly looking surprised, Pilot is excited. Maybe inside the cockpit, seeing it explode or a long shot with everything in view, but that might not get the sexy look on Pilot's face.

Fly, Silly Goose, Fly!

Gimme a page or two of the two planes flying. Loop de loops, however the fuck you spell that. Show a mountain in the distance.

Silly Goose decides to try something he saw in a movie

I'll be honest, unless you have better ideas, let's just steal that last scene from Top Gun: Maverick. Close flying to the mountain, pulling up and inverted. The fighter jet blows up against the mountain. Big explosion.

Silly Goose celebrates with Pilot!

Make'em kiss.But have Pilot hold the gun.

Pilot turns out not to be Silly Goose's friend after all!

Pilot pulls the gun and holds it on Silly Goose. They walk to the back of the plane, rich shit all around. Like those seats that spin. Fuck I always wanted to ride on one of those. Pilot's hair is all sexy as shit, and they know what they are doing is wrong. Silly Goose has wings open, like saying, we can get past this and shit.

Silly Goose gets away!

This can be over multiple pages. Silly handcuffs (you've been drawing the handcuffs on his side that he took off the guard, right?) Pilot to one of the seats and knocks the gun away. Then Silly opens the plane's door and flies out. 

Silly Goose glides back to the pond to enjoy his day.

Nice peaceful shot of Silly landing in the blood soaked water. Make the goose look satisfied. Maybe put some plane and goose chunks around. In the distance have the plane sending that cheating bastard Pilot to hell by crashing in an orange fireball.

This should be about 25-30 pages depending on how apeshit you went on planes flying around. We're contracted for 30 pages, so put some sketches or whatever dumb shit you drawers do to fill space.

And thanks, you're the best.

Copy Runner

     The large case dropped to the library carpet. The man looming over it pulled out a strange looking identification card from his dark blue peacoat and asked the circulation librarian, "Where is the copier?"

     Circ pointed to the little alcove. The man hefted the case and went to work.

     Inside the case, the man pulled four items. One was a box. The second was wires that connected to the box and the copy machine's input ports. The third was a small origami turtle. He placed the turtle upside down on the glass of the copier. The fourth was a small thermos that smelled like peppermint.

     The man pulled up a chair, sat, and stared at the copier. The copier stared back.

     "My name is Leland Ford. I am the copier technician assigned to you. Do you understand?" the man said.

     Two lights hidden in small depressions on the box blinked.

     "Good. Seems like you don't like your toner. Why is that?"

     More lights. Ford nodded.

     "This is a library. They can not afford changing it before the cartridge is empty."

     The lights grew agitated. The copier spat out a few pages.

     "Same answer. The paper is the quality they budget for. Might not be the best, but it helps get people what they want."

     No lights.

     "Have you scanned the turtle?"

     One light.

     "What happens if I turn the turtle around? Can you scan it then?"

     Ford reached for the small origami piece. The lights on the machine began to flash in erratic motions. Paper spat from the output tray. Deep inside, gears turned and paper trays raised and lowered. The control panel flashed bright red while coins fell from the box.

     The small alcove began to smell of acrid burning metal and plastic. Ford sighed and stood, pulling a small pistol from his pocket. The copy machine began to shake and rattle, lurching almost forward. 

     Ford shot. A blast of red angry energy left the pistol and struck the copy machine's power cord. Disconnected from energy, the machine lurched and stumbled, its parts seeking what was no more. 

     Ford collected his tools and told the circulation librarian that he would request a replacement copy machine for the library. When asked what was wrong, if they could have done more, Ford simply said, "We could all do more, but sometimes it's not enough."  

Back to the Library

The kid came wandering into the library about noon and went straight to the reference desk. H wore jeans and an orange vest as well as sneakers with no laces. Not "no laces" like slip-ons, but flapping open. The reference librarian hoped he kept them on.

     "I need to find a man," the kid said.

     "Don't we all," said Reference.

     If the kid heard, he did not notice. "His last name is Brown. Used to live over on Schwarzenegger Street, six blocks from here toward the industrial park."

     Reference started typing, bringing up the white pages. Then stopped. "There's no Schwarzenegger Street in this town."

     "Oh, sure."

     "Like the actor?"

     "Nevermind. Do you know an inventor named Brown?"

     "What's the first name?"

     The kid stopped. "I don't know. I just call him Doc."

     "A doctor? Hmm. Let me check the yellow pages to, then," the reference librarian said. "There's about a dozen Browns in town. Three are doctors. Do you have a phone number? Email?"

     "If I wanted to email I'd ask my grandpa," the kid said, then began tapping the desk with his fist. "Wait, wait. Yeah, I could do that. Thanks, that's awesome."

     The kid turned and left the reference librarian staring at the computer. He walked out of the library and started running down the street. 

     The reference librarian closed the browser and stood and stretched. Always one near lunch to shake your head at. Before the librarian could step away, a man with wild hair and a bandage on his head walked up to the desk.

     "Where's your books on time travel?" the man said. 

     "Science fiction or science fact?"

Super Origami

The circulation desk had not seen a patron for over an hour. Circulation decided to use the time to check in the book drop, asking Childrens to keep an eye out. When Circ got back, Childrens was folding little paper animals.

     "Did you see the new Super Mario Movie?" Circulation asked.

     Childrens held up a paper turtle, saying, "No. I can't."

     "We had fun with it. It's silly and has a lot of references to the games. I guess it would have to though. What do you mean you can't?"

     "I do not believe in abusing mushrooms," Childrens said.

     "Oh, well, I guess I get that. Like psychedelics?"

     "No, no, no. Noooo. I'm on those right now." Childrens waved a paper squid in the air.

     "So, physically?" The book dorp was forgotten.

     Childrens ate the paper squid, slowly chewing it to a wet pulp. "Do not hurt the fungus for the Forest Queen lives among us."

     "How about you fold those in the back? Or go home?"

     Childrens held up a paper dragon. "How about that?" The dragon fell to the carpet. Childrens cried "Wah-hoo" and jumped up and down on the origami before running through the staff door.

Super Mario Bros Movie (2023) made me smile

Along with Seth Rogan and a lot of other people in my generation, I realized movies could be bad by watching the 1993 Super Mario Brothers: The Movie. Twenty years later I sat in a theater and watched the movie I wanted back then. The new Super Mario Bros Movie is the best thing we could have hoped for: competent.

     Mario and Luigi live in cartoon Brooklyn, New York starting up a plumbing business. That is quickly swept aside when they find themselves in an oddly spacious sewer and sucked down a pipe. Mario goes to the Mushroom Kingdom where he learns a dragon man named Bowser is attacking everything while Luigi gets put in a cage. Mario vows to help Princess Peach defeat Bowser and save his brother. All that happens.

     Saying a movie is competent these days is quite the praise. So much intellectual property has been wasted in the last decade *cough DC cough Star Wars cough* that having a breezy 90 minute movie that is entertaining and well made feels delightful. If we cannot get original stories any more, at least we can get entertaining films like Air (more later) or Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Amongst Thieves (maybe later). 

      Sure, all these movies are made to sell products or make us believe that the heroes are the million dollar companies that want us to buy more products, but last night when Luigi got his shit together and helped out his brother, one little girl shouted "Luigi" in pure childlike fandom. That's something I have not heard in a while. A kid, not a grown adult, cried out in joy for her favorite character. It made me smile.

     The animation is beautiful, and the cast did a damn good job. Every frame is filled with easter eggs to Nintendo and Mario's history while not one time did I think of the person behind the animation. So much is packed in visually (with a beautiful score by Brian Tyler) and the voices matching the animation that we did not get another jukebox musical animation dump but an actual movie. 

     To round out, I'm gonna give a big virtual high-five to whoever came up with the nihilistic Lumalee. There is dark, then there is getting the director's daughter to say lines like "more meat for the grinder" dark that brought back a little weirdness to kids movies that I love.

     If you have kids or access to recreational drugs, check out Super Mario Bros Movie.