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Why did I think this movie was directed by Robert Rodriguez? Did he have something to do with it and I'm blanking out. I seriously thought this was the missing piece of the Rodriguez oeuvre that would tie everything together for me. As it stands, it did not tie anything together.
Read MoreThe human spirit forces itself on so many movies you have to wonder if that's the whole reason we make the damn things. Gruff, no nonsense men learning lessons about being brothers while overcoming uncertain odds. That's pretty much the whole story here.
Our story starts in Siberia where men are kept like cattle by communist Russian forces. This prison camp holds any and all enemies of the state, from the idealistic and funny to the gruff and mean. Political and violent alike. Then a bunch of them escape and its those assholes we follow.
The true star of this film is the direction and cinematography. There's some good acting, to be sure, but views of snowy forests, mountain lakes, vast empty deserts, and peaks of Eastern Asia fill the screen and demand to be seen. As the men walk to each new climate, you have to wonder how this new and beautiful piece of the world is going to kill another man.
Make no mistake, this film is brutal as it is beautiful. When the prison camp is the most hospitable place in the story, be sure challenges continue to mount. No one gets off this planet alive, but it's amazing when there's good views.
Long ago in my life, an older cousin or friend or creepy guy, I don't remember who it was actually. We were in an alley. Anyway. He sat me down and we watched a Porky's and Friday the 13th double feature. After that, I realized that you can have a boner and be scared at the same time.
Piranha 3D fails at the scares, but it reaches for the boner at every turn. As Stephen King once sorta said, when you can't horrify, scare them, and when you can't to that go for the gross out. What better way to gross out an audience than small fish monsters.
It's spring break and the town of wherever the fuck is having boob day on the water. There's a kid who wants to see boobs, his mom slash sheriff who wants to protect people while hanging with a scientist, and a boob-video maker weirdo who used to be the fat kid from Stand By Me. Where can you go wrong?
If you come to Piranha 3D looking for characters or plot or that normal movie crap, then check your bags at the door. Why did you even bring bags? You're a weirdo. Just sit down and watch the naked people get eaten with the rest of us. Maybe get fucked up first. With friends, if you have any. I watched this alone.