Old Guard 2 (2025)
The old guard returns for some reason in this action flick that asks the question: who gives a shit? At the end of this film I made my girlfriend laugh by filling the room with "boos" that can only be brought forth from the saddest of sequel teases. This one made me angry.
Andy and the others are back along with other immortal soldiers who seem to not share the penchant for good works. After raising Quynh from the water after 500 years, the secret oldest immortal Discord attacks the group so that they have to go to another hidden immortal who knows things. Here we learn more immortal rules.
What are the new rules? Turns out the newest immortal Nile (I really hate these names) can take your immortality away with a single cut. Seems arbitrary, but who am I to argue with a random prophecy from some random? Not only that, but if an immortal is losing their immortality from Nile's cut they can give away their immortality when they are dying to a person of their choosing.
All this bodes really well for the exiled Booker and the depowered Andy. He is done with all this living nonsense, so he gets Nile to scratch him and hides it like a zombie victim until the right time to give his immortality over to Andy. Just in time for the last battle. Hoorah!
Why is Uma Thurman in this acting like the anti-bride on a quest to live forever? As the oldest immortal, Discord somehow lost her immortalship. The movie ends with her succeeding and capturing all the folks we know and sort of like. But how did she lose her immortality? Did Nile scratch Andy in the first movie? Why does any of this matter when the pharmacy bros of the world from the first movie know about immortals? Why weren't the other immortals doing good like the old guard or showing their worth or whatever?
That's a lot of questions for a sequel that amounts to many bang bangs and 'splosions and not a lot of substance whatsoever. If it was meant to make me want to rewatch the first one or wait for the end of the trilogy or even read the comics, I'm not gonna do any of that. We shall see if this ends well in the next decade or so it took this one to be released.
It's only streaming, so go forth if you must. I'm gonna just go watch Atomic Blonde or Kill Bill again.