Generic Holiday Movie Cash Grab (2017) Movie Review: Home for the holidays, indeed.

It's the holidays so we here at the library have been watching lots of holiday movies, but the one that shines by far has been Generic Holiday Movie Cash Grab.

    Random Blonde Lady and Tall Handsome Guy play a couple of characters who just can't seem to get in the holiday spirit. Without spoiling anything, something tragic happened at some point. Lady and Guy then get a visit from an unlikely holiday-themed place. At first, they are put off by the cheer. Will the two of them find it in their hearts to be romantic in the snow and save the thing from not being a thing for the community?

    At the core of Generic Holiday Movie Cash Grab is the romance. Lady and Guy are perfect as the couple smashed together by fate as if they were action figures played with by a hyperactive child. The screenplay guides them through a generic romance plot with a layer of snow and random jingling bells to denote the holidays are here! You'll be hard pressed not to be entertained by the side characters as well, with sarcastic Gay Best Friend and Friend of Color providing commentary and Old Flame Person slinking around for some manufactured drama.

    And don't forget the Little Broken Child. You'll shed a tear as Guy and Lady warm to the Little Broken Child and find the true meaning of the holiday: Fammunity.

    So cuddle up and watch the carefully edited for television breaks plot guide you toward feelings you may or may not feel at a time of year you're pressured to observe because at the darkest, coldest part of the year our species is driven to celebrate our eternal fight against death.

    From our fammunity to yours, have a happy generic holiday and enjoy a movie that still can appeal to religious people despite positing universal values no one can dispute.

Talking Portals (Grog the Barbarian Librarian, Part 4)

Last time, Grog and Naomi the children's librarian had a little problem with a patron. Now Grog is with his old friend Lecher, somehow aged into the elderly Old Ben.

Grog felt confused by the situation. Confusion often spawned the need for drink and food or a good fight to wash away the unease. Grog looked at his old friend who he had thought dead and said yes.

    Outside a breeze blew light across the field next to the library. Lecher and Grog followed the sidewalk around the building to a small concrete amphitheater. Each sat, Letcher with a grunt and pops and Grog with the ease of a dragon lighting on a stone wall. Grog pulled from a small pouch around his waist a stone, spit on it, and began to sharpen Metal Death.

    "I thought I'd find out who she was. But then you came. Right before, we were out here. Everybody. The eclipse came and then you came. I thought I'd find out more, though," Lecher said.

    Grog waited and let his mind calm with the motions of stone and metal.

    "This is like that time in Gocanti. Right?" Lecher said.

    Grog said nothing. He listened to the old man remember his youth, not so long ago for Grog, and the sing of the blade as the stone honed the edge.

    "It was like now. Little cold, but that could be my bones. Breeze in the air. I had a hell of a time with the fire, but I got it going with that damn iron wood. Smokeless. Still not sure how you found me in that forest," Lecher said.

    "Smell," Grog said.

    Lecher didn't know if Grog meant the campfire or Lecher himself. Could be a joke or not, for the big man rarely smiled. He said, "The Goconti, they were hiding that fella with the ax for a hand. Don't even remember his name, been so long. Time's off here. Slower. I came with nothing, in a time called the seventies. It's the tens or something now. I can't keep up. They change so much in this world. So fast. Back home, that sword or my knives solved most problems.  Here they create them. I learned how this world works just in time for them to change it with computers."

    He saw the confusion on Grog's face. He said, "The light screens. Computers. Can't seem to get them."

    Grog continued to sharpen his sword. Up and down. Stone on metal. Shining steel in the afternoon sun.

    "They followed me here," Lecher said.

    Grog stopped. "Who?" he said.

    "Some of Thorn's guards. I killed them, no matter. Some of them."

    Grog went back to sharpening with a grunt.

    "Well, followed is wrong. They seemed as surprised as me. I don't think she had control then. Not much. Those guards got caught up in the portals, same as me. One, we came in on one of the streets and this thing they got called a bus run him over." Lecher clapped his hands, laughing. "That left two, case there was three in all. At first. We came out over there by that dumpster. I ran and they chased. We went downtown. Killed one behind this restaurant, diner. They know me there. Matt's Place. Good meatloaf. I'll take you."

    "What about the others?" Grog said.

    "Oh, I killed them. There was confusion after that. Dead bodies don't happen often here, Grog. Well, they do, but not like back home. People notice if the wrong people die," Lecher said.

    "Who are the wrong people?" Grog said.

    Lecher laughed again and threw up his hands. "I don't know. But you know what?"

    Grog waited.

    "About twenty years ago, another portal opened. Portents like the sky darkening and a storm. This guy who I used to pal around with, Oscar, he told me. I was away at the time. Got a little job in the art business."

    "And?" Grog said.

    "Most of the art in this world is crap. They don't protect it. I could just walk in and grab most stuff. There's this abstract stuff I kinda like, but I have to show you this one guy who did these things. One, called Starry Night-"

    "About the portal, Lecher," Grog said.

    "Oh, yeah," Lecher said and paused. His eyes were off on a piece of art at another place in another time. Grog waited until his friend caught up and came back around to the present.

    Lecher said, "Oscar said this purple portal opened up, just popped open like some movie, and these guys came out of it all dressed in tunics with the Thorn's mark."

    Grog nodded.

    "They seemed to know more than I did, the way Oscar tells it. Scouts most likely, because they went back in the portal. Oscar said later they stayed longer."

    "The portals opened for a long time?" Grog went back to his sword, sharpening it.

    Lecher said, "I've seen it myself. When I came back, Oscar told me about it. Told me to stay away from the portal and the men. Seemed the men liked to ask questions and recruit if they could People went missing. And that's not the best part."

    Grog said, "She's here."

    Lecher nodded. "A big storm, another eclipse. I could feel it. What little magic I had has dwindled over the years and this world had none. I know what it feels like, though. And whoever she is playing at, she's not wearing them robes or the mask. She's be out there and I got an idea about who she and a few of her soldiers are."

    Around the front of the library came the "whoop-whoop" of a police siren. Grog, altered by the sound, stood and brought Metal Death up.

    Lecher said, "Don't worry. You haven't done anything wrong. They'll think you're a cosplayer or-"

    The old man's voice cut off and became a gasp and a gurgle. Grog turned and found an arrow sticking out of this old friend's throat.

Stay tuned on Fridays for the continuing adventures of Grog the Destroyer and how he became the Banned Library's children's librarian.

For all Grog Stories, go on this link and read from the bottom up.

Or you could wait until we collect them all and buy them from the bookstore.

Because WTF Luke Skywalker (spoilers for Last Jedi)

Carl took the stack of books from the lady and waited for her to hand him her library card. The lady was bent over, talking softly to something below Carl's reach. Carl waited.

    "Can you fucking believe that shit?" Pam said, coming through the door from the circulation workroom behind the desk.

    "What shit?" Carl said.

    The woman shot up with her eyes wide. "Excuse me," she said high and loud.

    "Excuse me, too. Fucking Luke Skywalker was gonna kill somebody for maybe being evil? The same Luke that got over his daddy issues and turned Vader to the light? That ain't the fucking Luke I remember," Pam said.

    The woman said, "Young lady, you can't talk that way in front of Lucy."

    Pam's face blanched and she leaned over the desk. She said, "Oh goodness, I'm so sorry little- what the fuck?"

    The patron said, "I'm going to report you."

    Carl said, "What's wrong?"

    Pam leaned back and pointed to the door. "Get that fucking alligator out of here."

    "I need the name of your supervisor," the woman said.

    "I'ma get my gun and shoot that thing," Pam said and went back through the door.

    The woman left the building, half dragging her pet alligator out the door, her stack of books on the circulation desk in front of a downtrodden Carl.

    "I don't even like Star Wars," Carl said.

The Foreigner (2017) Movie Review: Jackie Chan is Tranquil Fury

There was a Doctor Who episode that asked the question, what happens when a good man goes to war? There's a bunch of poetry folded in on that, but for the most part, if that good man is Jackie Chan, people die. Lots of them.

    Chan plays a restaurant owner in London who, after watching his daughter die from a politically motivated bombing, decides to terrorize everyone responsible using a special set of skills. His main opposition is Pierce Brosnan, a former IRA bomber turned politician, who is trying to sweep the whole mess under the rug. A bunch of twists and turns later and we get a fairly well-done action political thriller that is filled with more grit than laughs.

    I want to give Chan a hug. For decades, he was the action man that never played a villain and who attacked scores of baddies with ladders and stuff. Sometime in the last decade or so, though, the Hollywood machine has turned him into a great dramatic actor, first glimpsed as Mr. Miyagi in the Karate Kid remake that should not be spoken of. He shines in this role of the silent avenger working out his grief on people's faces.

    A surprising movie, this one is a matinee or a rental if you have need for something in the Taken school of film.

The Florida Project (2017) Movie Review: you're a jaded bastard if this doesn't do it for you

We all get by with a little help from our friends. Even if you don't know it, somebody out there has made it easier for you to get through you day. Somebody stocked the shelves, paved the roads, kept the power on. Still, cracks are made to be fallen through.

    Halley and her daughter Mooney are long-term residents of the Magic Kingdom, a run down hotel managed by Bobby. This is the part of Florida that shows up in the paper, where a woman who can't get work as a stripper sells perfume in parking lots and her body while her daughter plays in the bathtub. Still, there is light, in the form of childhood innocence often embodied in the big shining castle of Disney.

    Working with the public in a library, we often see the surface. We see the loud abrasive push back. We see the bravado. We see the need for aid that comes in the form of demands. We see waste and juvenile behavior and the stark reality that some folks just need to get by. The sadness and nobility in the struggle, especially for those with a little bit of kindness trying to keep things afloat for the destructive.

    This movie's a gut punch as well as a quiet look at a world many see and live everyday. The movie succeeds in its utter humanity. That kid is amazing.

Invitation (2016) Movie Review: Because I can't get enough what the fuck did I just watch

Going home is hard. In this life, our new generations has decided that home is an expansive topic and we create our own families bereft of blood. So recreating those cobbled relationships after devastation is frightening as the people we choose choose different paths.

    Will and his girlfriend attend a party given by his ex-wife Eden and her new husband as well as all their friends. The gang hasn't all been together since Will and Eden separated and find it awkward, especially when Eden starts talking crazy cult nonsense and shows a snuff film. Are Eden and her new husband in a murder cult or is Will just seeing an imagined spectral trail of insanity stemming from deep trama?

    I'm not answering that fucking question because the truth is kinda amazing. Director Karyn Kusama has lacked some punch in her previous directorial efforts, especially the high profile and campy fun Jennifer's Body, but man… The suspense and tension in this movie as you wonder what the hell is going on builds and builds. Just a crazy good story.

    Not sure how to end this. Wanna talk about the ending? Well, you see, after everything goes down and all the secrets are

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (2017) Movie Review: Hope in a dark ass world, man

What would you do if your daughter was raped and murdered a little ways from home? Then, salt in a wound, the cops do little to help. You sit and wait and wonder why life needs to go on like that. So you put up three billboards asking why.

    That's the central idea behind this acerbic story of justice and growth and getting on after tragedy. Man, I have very little funny to say about this drama that forces you to look at darkness with an unflinching eye.

    The stand out roles here are Frances McDormand and Sam Rockwell. And look, there's nobody "innocent" in this movie. Nobody deserves what they do or do not get. McDormand's character forces an issue that is open-ended. A mystery without a villain. And Rockwell, he plays a racist, misogynist piece of shit that by the end tries to do good. Tries to make some amends.

    There's paragraphs that could be written here about naturalism and purity of characters. Do you shoehorn some folks in or just let them fly? Do you let them say as many fucks as they want or sanitize the whole thing for an audience that wants to bring the family?

    You know what, fuck all that. Sometimes you have to see the world as a dark and broken place and find hope in the fact that there is a thing such as hope in the first place. That's reality sometimes and it sucks.

    Also, go on dates with Peter Dinklage and have sex with your partner in the woods. Cause you never know.

Every Christmas Has a Story (2016) Movie Review: Hallmark has refuged into audacity

Ever said something you wish you could take back and then a small town tries to get you to solve its problems by making you an indentured servant? That happens in this holiday shit show.

    Lori Loughlin stars as Scrooget, an on air personality sorta like Ellen if Ellen was unlikable. One day, Scrooget lets it fly to the nation that she hates Christmas. Because ratings are king, she's forced to go with her producer to a small town to see how they get Christmas spirited.

    Oh, you think it's as simple as "she gets some small town values and learns to love again?" Fuck you, you simpleton.

    Scrooget has a bunch of problems, rivaled only by the town that calls her to its broken shores. First, her dad left her years back after her mom died (or something, I forget) and that's why she hates Christmas. Second, her producer (the likable Colin Ferguson who was awesome on Eureka) is also her ex-boyfriend who she dumped a long time ago and still holds a torch for. Finally, there's some weird thing about the tree in the center of town being missing. Mystery Time!

    Here's how all those stories get wrapped up: Her dad shows up and she freaks out but forgives him. They get trapped in the snow and fall back in love because you saw that coming. And the tree is missing because (this will be a long sentence) the man whose family used to send the tree to the town is in a depressive spiral and no longer celebrating Christmas after his wife and child died in a car accident last Christmas which is why the town decided to call up Scrooget and get her to "learn about small town Christmas" AKA "show on the tv that our town loves Christmas and wants the depressive widower to come back to them."

    Don't read that all out loud without taking a drink first. To say that this "movie" takes some weird ass turns that are way dark for a Christmas movie is to also say that drinking drain cleaner is a bad idea. It's bonkers with a scheme worthy of a crack addicted Batman villain.

HOLY SHIT. I just learned that the depressive guy is Willie Aames. I take it all back to get a Charles In Charge alum back here. Besides Scott Baio because, well, just no.

Piranha 3D (2010) Movie Review that proves people love boobs. I mean, fish. Wait, no, boobs.

Long ago in my life, an older cousin or friend or creepy guy, I don't remember who it was actually. We were in an alley. Anyway. He sat me down and we watched a Porky's and Friday the 13th double feature. After that, I realized that you can have a boner and be scared at the same time.

    Piranha 3D fails at the scares, but it reaches for the boner at every turn. As Stephen King once sorta said, when you can't horrify, scare them, and when you can't to that go for the gross out. What better way to gross out an audience than small fish monsters.

    It's spring break and the town of wherever the fuck is having boob day on the water. There's a kid who wants to see boobs, his mom slash sheriff who wants to protect people while hanging with a scientist, and a boob-video maker weirdo who used to be the fat kid from Stand By Me. Where can you go wrong?

    If you come to Piranha 3D looking for characters or plot or that normal movie crap, then check your bags at the door. Why did you even bring bags? You're a weirdo. Just sit down and watch the naked people get eaten with the rest of us. Maybe get fucked up first. With friends, if you have any. I watched this alone.

Fighting over children (Grog the Barbarian Librarian)

Grog has been reunited with his old friend Lecher, now old after waiting years in the library. Seems he and Grog went through different portals which spit them out at different times. Before they could catch up, though, someone screams from the Children's department!

Grog jumped forward, swift and easy and through the doors and down the steps before the others could turn to follow him with their eyes. Chris and Naomi followed and Ben let them all go, heading toward the elevator.
     Brenda watched Grog bound down the steps and stand, his sword in his hand looking like the giant metal claw of a patient beast. The reflection of the pink summer reading shirt on the blade had a strange beauty to the woman.
     "My son is none of your business," a man yelled. The sound was followed by another child's cry.
     Grog strode with confidence toward the children's department. He saw the little ones and his heart soared. They did battle. A small child lay pinned under the body of a larger boy with sandy hair. The small boi was the quiet one from the circle, the one with the brises. Grog saw now how that must be possible. The boy was a poor fighter.
     Rosa told the man in a high voice, "Get your son and leave." 
     This annoyed Grog as he wished to see how the small one would overpower his opponent. He frowned when the child began to cry and curl into a ball The larger boy also frowned and pulled at the smaller arms, ripping from them a small book.
     "See what you been writing about me, Timmy," the sandy haired boy said, getting up.
     The man crossed the room and instead of congratulating the larger boy, yanked the smaller one from the carpet. 
     "Come on, you little cry baby," the man said.
     "He's got my book," Tim said.
     The father stopped and released his son. "Then go get it back," he said.
     When the boy lowered his head and said nothing, the father began walking away. As he passed Grog, he matched eyes with the barbarian and found the floor. The boy followed when the man bellowed from the front door.
     Naomi walked through the space with a disgusted look on her face. "Reggie," she said.
     The sandy haired boy, Reggie, rolled his eyes and thrust at the book he had taken from Tim. "He started it, Mrs. Naomi."
     Rosa spoke without being asked. "He beats that boy and you know it. All the bruises."
     Naomi took the book. She shook her head at Rosa and said, "You argued with the dad and not the boys fighting?"
     "You're not putting this on me," Rosa said.
     "Mrs. Naomi, Timmy was drawing me and the little crap was laughing. Look," Reggie said.
     "Out, Reggie. Two days," Naomi said.
     "But Mrs. Naomi."
     "Out. I'll be in my office." Naomi walked book in hand past the library assistant and the children's desk. She opened the door behind it into a dark room, leaving it open, and Grog heard another door open and shut.
     A hand fell on Grog's elbow. Ben said, "Walk an old man to the curb, Groggy?"

Stay tuned on Fridays for the continuing adventures of Grog the Destroyer and how he became the Banned Library's children's librarian.

For all Grog Stories, go on this link and read from the bottom up.

Or you could wait until we collect them all and buy them from the bookstore.

She Made a Scanner Darkly

"It won't scan, it just comes out dark," the lady said. She held up a piece of paper that was solid black. You could just make out printing.

    Pam and Carl exchanged a look that said "this crazy lady is trying to photocopy a purple sheet of paper on a black and white copier and doesn't get how pants work." This look was a very normal look for them.

    Carl said, "Let's go look at the copier and see what's wrong." He was only volunteering to help because Pam had helped the last patron, a man who was looking for large print audio books.

    At the copier, Carl got a bit of a shock. Attached to the copier was a squid making sweet love to the office machine.

    "That wasn't here earlier," the woman said.

    "Squick Squick Squick," the squid said.

    "Huh," Carl said.

    The two of them waited, staring at the sea life having its way with the photocopier. The woman dreamed of being touched so gently. Carl wondered how it was lasting so long.

    Then a man came around the corner. He had on a beige uniform that fit a little snug. A patch on the shirt read "Johnson Photocopying." He said, "Sorry folks, ole Reggie's just finishing up filling the toner. He takes his time about it, but then, he's not paid so I guess I would to."

    Carl, the woman, and the copy machine man waited while Reggie the squid fucked the copy machine. Reggie said, "Squick, squick, squick." The machine remained silent.

The Disaster Artist (2017) Movie Review where I kinda lose it because I loved it so much

When going into The Disaster Artist, there's a few things you must know. One, a man named Greg Sestero helped his weird and very rich friend Tommy Wiseau make a horrible movie called The Room (2003) that if famous if only because it is. Two, you will never learn anything about Tommy Wiseau. There's more, so much more, but why spoil yourself.

    The real big question is: Should you watch The Room before you see The Disaster Artist? Hell, man, you might as well ask me why we should know what the sun is before an eclipse? Isn't it enough that the thing is out there and could cause people to delve into madness if they think too hard on the subject?

    James Franco and his brother Dave star as our pair of nuts at the center of the hurricane. Along for the ride are just about everybody, including the How Did This Get Made podcast, mostly there I assume as a blatant lampshade on the whole affair. How the hell did any of this get made?

    To be fair, man, I loved the movie. It's funny and strange and open in a way a lot of movies are not. If Tommy Wiseau was a character from someone's brain, this mess would play out like Borat or the quaint imaginings of Wes Anderson. However, the whole thing is based in fact and therefore a work of genius.

Lady Bird (2017) Movie Review that dared to fellate Sacramento and tell a story

Question: How much does this movie love Sacramento? Answer: So much. Almost too much that it's distracting.

    Lady Bird follows the life of the self-named "Lady Bird," a seventeen year old kid who is about to have an entire high school experience in two hours. She joins a club, gets friends, loses friends, gets a boyfriend, gets laid, gets drunk, gets high, gets all the things and more. Also her mom is up her shit and they are just not a happy family.

    But they love each other, right?

    I don't really know. Honestly.

    I think the problem is the Sacramento stuff. The Big Tomato (is that really Sacramento's nickname?) stands in thematically for that every hometown that people escape from and then look back on fondly. But it's just a little too… Sacramento. Before this movie I had never thought this hard on Sacramento and now I feel like I would recognize places there while driving around and that kinda misses the "everytown" theme.

    I liked the movie. Go see it. It's Rushmore meets Juno and all the shit with Molly Ringwald. You could say that Lady Bird's dyed hair is a commentary on Mrs. Ringwald. Think about it.

Hats off to Christmas! (2013) Movie Review and holy shit ahahahahahaa I'm insane

Get this shit: Haylie Duff works in a store in a smallish town that sells exclusively Santa hats. The place has a fucking warehouse and everything. She thinks because she worked hard, she's going to get put in charge some day. However, the boss somehow did not jump on the Santa hat boom of the 2000s hard enough so has invited his business Son to run the company.

    You want me to go on? Fucking okay.

    Son gets the job, cause he's a businessman, and Duff has to train him how to run a Santa hat store. Then he starts befriending her son.

    I know.

    Just as we think Son is not a bad, slicked hair business man with a heart of coal, he stands up the kid for the big pumpkin carving contest. Did I mention this kid is in a wheelchair?

    We are told this is a hellish thing, but Son gets another chance to prove to Kid he's worthy to be a… dad? Friend? Duff and Son are not going out or really very romantic until the script says they have to be. Anyway, the last chance is a soap box car race.

    Wheelchair kid in a soapbox car race. I'm done, Hallmark. You win. Way to Photoshop out the cleavage on the poster, btw.

The Man Who Invented Christmas (2017) Movie Review that will charm the Dickens off you. The Dick-ens.

Charles Dickens, master storyteller, has a little money trouble due to his dad being a jerk and his books not selling. Then he has an idea, one that will change the world and make people the world over complain about the phrase "Happy Holidays." That idea is to set a story during the Christmas season and base it around family and the morality of an old bastard. Thus we have A Christmas Carol.

    I was on board from jump. What is basically a sequel to Shakespeare in Love (1998, the movie that didn't deserve Best Picture but was a solid story), The Man Who Invented Christmas is a masturbatory act of a screenwriter showing how much trouble it is for a writer to write and the inspiration that the world can bring to genius blah blah blah. I like to write things and I like to see the creative process in the act, even if it is twenty feet tall with its Dickens in its hand.

    Yeah, I'm a child and love that Dickens joke.

    The movie is charming with just enough real life to make the drama "matter." We know the dude wrote the story and that he was a little crazy with his family. What matters is the people and the characters, something the story draws out with pure empathetic emotions.

   Plus, Christopher Plummer as Scrooge is a must see. Just damn good.

American Made (2017) Movie Review and Tom Cruise didn't do that

I have a problem. I had the same problem in Valkyrie. I like Tom Cruise. Whatever personal shit he deals with, he's a likeable actor who always delivers. As Tom Cruise. I call it Movie Star Syndrome. Tom Cruise will always be Tom Cruise no matter if he's a super spy or a janitor. I can't buy Tom Cruise as a Nazi or a drug smuggler, though.

    Barry Seal was a real guy that the CIA used as a pilot. He made a lot of money because while taking pictures and running guns to contras he also ran cocaine and other illegal crap for the South American drug cartels. It caught up with him in the end and we know about the man because of declassified intelligence.

    Tom Cruise plays Barry Seal but Tom Cruise was never Barry Seal. He's charismatic and open, running around as a family man and a small town businessman. He should have been a real scumbag, though, and I just can't see it in Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise saves the day, he doesn't get shot in the face.

    For the overall experience, the movie is good. Stunts and writing are on point. The acting is well done and the story holds together with a feel of realism that never made the outlandish things feel fake. However, it just kinda drops near the end with a payoff that doesn't work.

    And he's always Tom Cruise.

Goodbye Christopher Robin (2017) Movie Review that f*&king cheated, that silly old bear

When do you let a movie get away with shit? We all like a twist ending, right? Something that redefines a movie and the characters in context. Even a bad twist ending makes a movie memorable. But at what point do we call bullshit?

    A.A. Milne has a bunch of problems. He came back from the Great War with his head all crazy, he has a wife that's a bit on the materialistic side, and the kid they had to save their marriage is just a pain. So his wife ditches him in the woods with the kid and Milne has to play "make-em-ups" to entertain the kid. Those "make-em-ups" turn out to be Winnie-the-Pooh, an international sensation that ruins the kid's life.

    So where does the cheating come into play? The movie starts with a military man delivering a letter and Mama Milne crying. Spoiler alert: The kid is fine. When the story flashes back and catches up, turns out the kid walks home from World War 2 like a boss. Except he's annoying now.

    Really, though, that's just the second worst part of the story. The worst is the grown up Christopher Robin. To be honest, even he's not bad. The acting is solid, the movie is charming, and I really did enjoy my time. Check it out when you want a slow drama.

Kingsman: Golden Circle (2017) Movie Review that made just as many ass jokes as I thought they would

Kingsman opens up where we left off our favorite band of poncy super spies. The main guy has his girlfriend, the realm is at peace, and Mr. Darcy is dead as shit. Then a drug kingpin lady comes along and blows everybody to hell.

    The central theme of the second one of these movies is to make a second one of these movies. Blow some shit up. Be as British as you can be while also trying to be both fast and furious with as many guest stars as possible. For the most part, it works.

    The spy vs spy stuff is just over the top enough to work. Add in all the cameos (I'd shame Elton John but he just made me smile) and you have a fun action flick.

    I hate when people say "it doesn't take itself too seriously." Yes it does. That's why the jokes work. Everyone acting tricked me into believing this nonsense is real, which is why Fast and the Furious and the OG Point Break work while whatever Leslie Nielsen was doing at the end failed. Leslie stopped being a part of the joke and became the joke.

    Should you see this piece of shit? I dunno. Look deep in your soul. Do you smile at the sight of orange flames and red blood? Then yeah, sure. And there's an ass joke or two that's subtle enough for grandma.

A Bad Moms Christmas (2017) Movie Review that made me want to thank my mom for not being any of these moms

Full disclosure: I've never seen a "bad" anything. No grotesque grandpas, turbulent teachers, or lascivious librarians. Just to let you know, I'll watch a Bad Librarian movie, even if it stars Noah Wyle.

    When I say this is the worst "bad" movie I have seen, then you know I don't give a shit about these people. What makes them bad? Who the fuck cares? Have them hump Santa and get some drinks at the mall. Cuss out their kids. If that's "bad" then the trailer park where my friend and confidant Andy Lamont grew up is hell on earth. Those ladies would fuck Santa up and down.

    What's the story of this movie? Everybody's mom is a piece of shit. And there's kids or something and we learn the spirit of Christmas. The most unbelievable fact of this whole enterprise is the scene where all the moms meet in a church and don't burst into flames from the righteous fury of the screenwriter paid to spin this gold into straw.

    In case you're wondering, the gold is the entire cast. Every person in this is working below their potential, the blogger writes as if channeling a school marm.

Justice League (2017) Movie Review and how I began to love the bomb

There's a point in Justice League when I started to say, "Hey, this ain't my little brother's Superman."

    Full disclosure, I don't have a little brother and never had that point. I just wanted to say that and now I feel a little ashamed.

    Batman has a parademon problem and thinks he's gonna need some buds to help him out. He gathers Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Flash, and zombie Superman up and they get to punching shit. That's about it.

    If you come to these superhero movies looking for anything other than two to three hours of explosions then brother or sister, you need to shut the computer and take a walk. Even Christopher Nolan could not move this genre out of the "punch it until it's ideologically sound." If you say different, well, I'm happy for you.

    I say that to say this: DC has produced the bottom of the barrel of content. Wonder Woman is the exception that proves the rule. Given her screen time here, I hope you saw the acting talent Snyder gave her ass.

    So when I say that this movie is passable as a hungover Sunday indulgence, I do not say that lightly. A few jokes land, you can see the action at times, and the plot is pretty straight forward.