Cooking Eggs for the Universe

by Banned Library in


Mike Myers the comedian once said in the movie So I Married an Axe Murderer that most Scottish meals are based on a dare. Cooking in the South is based often on hope.

    My mother taught me to cook the traditional way. She'd say, "ST, use the microwave if you don't want cereal. We're late for school."

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Kitchen Condolences: Anthony Bourdain Gave His Life

by Banned Library in ,


From the year 2000 to 2003, I worked in a lot of varied jobs to pay my rent while I went to college. A lot of those jobs were in kitchens, those hot and sweaty and crowded dens of iniquity. Years after, I read Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain and was transported to those times and those people with a strange sense of nostalgia and love. This past week Mr. Bourdain took his own life, casting my mind back to other memories of that time.

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Suggestion Box

by Banned Library in ,


Earlier today, I checked the library suggestion box.

    Don't ever check the library suggestion box. Just let the damn thing sit there and get full. When it's full, take it to the back, further back past the circulation librarian's office, past the technical services desk, past the table with tape all over it because that's how you fix books. Take it to the back dark corner of the workroom and set it down.

    Next you need a metal trash can. If you do not have a metal trash can, can you even call yourself a library?

    Take the metal trash can and drag it over to the dark corner in the back of the library. If there is anything in the metal trash can not worth burning, take it out.

    Start a fire with your library-issued chrome lighter. Use what you can, but make it hot and make it burn. Broken pallets work best or pine wood for scent.

    When the yellow and orange cleansing bath has been drawn, pick up the suggestion box. Hold it tight and close to the flames. Lid out, at an angle, open the box.

    There may be a force from the escaping suggestions. Allow the box to cradle in your arm, much like a baby attempting to get down but a baby that needs to eat. Eat baby, eat, you say as you tip the open suggestion box forward to the fire.

    When you are done, feel free to return the box to the circulation desk. It's presence makes people feel better. As if they are being listened to.

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