Field Report #244553: Red Bokoblin "Jeff"

Supervisors Note: The following is a report from the last survivor of an attack on a bokoblin camp in the Gerudo Desert. Rather than the standard debrief interview, we felt it would be more therapeutic for the subject, a 32-year-old red bokoblin named Jeff, to write the incident report in his own words. If more information is needed, Jeff is available from his relocated assignment in Hyrule Field near the Ranch Ruins.

For the record, my name is Jeff [Last name redacted] and I was stationed at Claw camp near the Southern Oasis in the Gerudo Desert. There were four of us, myself and another red named Razorclaw, along with a black boko named Sgt Painstump, a silver named Jeff 2, and an Electric Lizalfo named Steve. Didn' like Steve much, he didn' have a lot of control over his equipment and would shock the shit out of us.

The camp was standard. One flat level with a cooking pot above the ground, two scout towers. It was morning, just at first light so Sgt Painstump, Jeff 2, and Steve were asleep by the fire. I was gettin up to relive Razorclaw who had been on watch all night.

I don' know why we were targeted. We didn' have a chest or even special weapons. I had a stick. A wooden fuckin stick.

The arrow that got Razorclaw came from the dark. It was cold out there at night and it just streamed in a "ping." Razor was dead, flashing into the deep black and purple void. I blew the horn and got Sgt Painstump, Jeff 2, and Steve up, but then the real attack happened.

He came up from below. Like, I can't describe it. We were grabbing weapons and this green bloop happens. This guy in a pink hood, snow pants, and no shirt popped out from the wood as if he was swimming. I yelled, but he threw like a pinecone into the fire and launched into the air.

He had some kind of thing. It let him float. I don' fuckin know. I just know he started raining down fire and bombs on us. Sgt. Painstump got most of that. I can hear the screams.

Me, Jeff 2, and Steve were thrown clear. I hit the sand, still cold from the evening but the warm sun felt so nice. I remember laying there thinking that maybe this is what the great void was like. Then Steve started screaming.

This little weirdo had a spear with some kind of laser on it. Steve was hit a dozen times in a row. Pap pap pap pap pap you get the idea. Just over and over. I watched as Steve fell dropping all his gear. He got back up, the bastard. You could smell the ozone of Steve's lightning trying to power up, but that laser staff just kept hitting him.

I saw the ghosts when the sun rose over the mountains. The guy, Link I guess, had two ghosts with him. One bird kid who kept hammering Steve with arrows. The other was a rock guy. Link and the rock guy connected, some kind of silent thing, and Steve died in a fiery ghost blur.

I can't tell you what happened. But I know what it looks like when death and his ghost friends turn on you.

But the ghosts went away. Link, he went around picking up pieces of Steve and Razorclaw and Sgt Painstump. Pieces of my friends. I gripped my little wooden stick so hard I heard the wood creak.

Then he turned on me. The dead eyes looked at me over and he turned away. I got a rock and threw it. Don't know why. I guess I just wanted to feel like I tried. Maybe I wanted him to say something. Anything. But he kept walking then running away.

I thought about chasing him, but then realized I was supposed to tell you. I was supposed to tell my story.

Reading back, I don't even know what happened to Jeff 2. Could be out there. Could be dead.

Anyway, then Link jumped on this rock that had fallen earlier that night and I dunno, fucker just lifted into the heavens like magic.

I'll never be the same.

Tour of the Building

Welcome to the Banned Library! We talk a lot here about our little adventures in, around, and far from the building, but we never talk about the building itself. Today we will fix that. First, let's start with the history of the place then a small tour.

History

     The first library in town was a small shack behind a butcher shop named "Pigs N Stuff." The butcher's wife, Mable Abrams, was an avid reader and collector of books. She would loan them out to the locals and to the school becoming our first town librarian.

     Around 1892, our prosperous little town commissioned the first charter for a public library. The five prominent families (Abrams, Carpenter, Davies, Roche, and Pittman) raised the majority of the money for the initial building on Second Street. This building burned to the ground in 1896 after the unnamed librarian drunkenly left a fire burning in the fireplace one cold December night.

     The next building also burned in 1899. 

     The town then decided to build out of stone. The Carpenter family held funds until the others agreed to erect a six-story tower along with the new three story building with basement. The tower, still the tallest structure in town, acted as a fire and tornado watch, and the library itself as a shelter.

     Major renovations were made in the 1950s, completed in 1956. The library expanded to twice the size as well as updated with modern plumbing, electrical, elevator, and air conditioning. Various improvements have been made since but the structure itself has remained the same.

First floor

     Walking in the library, you see on your left the circulation station cut into the wall separating staff workspace and the public space. The circulation and technical services workroom, staff bathroom, and loading dock are beyond. This left side of the building, still called the new part by some, is the addition made above and below.

     To the right, tables and chairs are laid out in the magazine area. The rounded wall and stained glass windows are the base of the tower with the wall now open space. The children's and teen department fills the rest of the first floor with ample shelving.

    An elevator, stairs, and public restroom are in the center far wall. Please use the public gender-neutral restroom before we continue as it is the only restroom in the building open to the public.

Basement

     Let's go down the steps to the basement. The most updated public area in the building, the basement houses the computer lab of twenty public workstations and a printer. We chose the basement for the lab because the heat in the summer months can be too much in the rest of the building.

     The three other double doors house our tech department, storage, and the plumbing and air conditioning units of the building.

Second Floor

     A quick elevator ride to the second floor puts us walking a small path to the Fiction section. Through the double doors on the left side of the building are a meeting room with kitchen where classes and large summer reading programs are held. The center of the second floor is open to view the first floor with two paths leading to the nonfiction section, reference desk, and small table area.

Attic

     The stairs by the reference desk lead down to the first floor and up to an attic area. This space is closed to the public and mostly acts as storage due to heat. The attic space was not expanded with the rest of the building during the renovation and no ventilation was added although it does have electricity (when it works).

Tower

     The Carpenter Tower stands at six stories. Access is gained through the attic, and a spiral staircase leads to two landings and a viewing platform at the top. Like the attic, the tower is closed to the public due to heat and lack of ventilation. Temperatures at the higher levels can reach up to 120 degrees (48 degrees Celsius) in the summer months. However, scientists and others still use the viewing platform for weather instruments, other experimentation, and observation.

     And that's our building! Please come down and visit and feel free to ask any questions to our staff.

A damn good kiss

When I find myself somewhere I probably should not be, I ask myself what my great-grandfather would do. MK Harker, from the records I shared last time, was a decisive and talented individual. He was also mentally disturbed from his time in the war and hated fire and everything to do with it, including firemen. I do not often refer to him when it comes time to do the annual fire inspection of the library. However, the man did innovate.

     As I stood outside the trailer park looking at the rows of disposable homes kitted out with flower gardens and fake lawn animals, I thought that MK would probably just go up and ask for the car repair manuals to get the bookmobile fixed. The ex-girlfriend of Children’s cousin Carol did not need them, and he could fix the car. Candi would understand. I told the children's librarian so.

     She shook her head, the red wires she called hair bouncing around in the summer heat. "We waited for a few days, sir. Candi might destroy them. She's a liar and a one of the worse people I've ever met."

     "What did your cousin see in her?" I said.

     Childrens said, "He saw himself in her." Her face turned bright red. "I shouldn't have said that."

     "Maybe I should do the talking?" 

     "Good idea. You distract her while I sneak around the back. Just don't be lured in by her ways."

     "What ways are those?" I asked, but she was already gone around the back of the second trailer on the right, tying her hair back in a ponytail.

     I sighed and made my way to the trailer. Up close it was a little run down with some rust spots here and there. A little company of lawn gnomes sat out front, each holding a different firearm. The one with the shotgun was shirtless and squinting as if to say "you might be bigger, but I'm meaner." At the foot of the door was a welcome mat turned around, which I liked. Every time you stepped out the world welcomed you. I knocked.

     A voice came from inside, high and shrill, "Who is it?"

     "ST Harker, ma'am. From the library."

     "What?"

     I repeated myself wondering what the hell I was going to say next.

     The door opened with a creak and a blast of cold bought air from a ticking window unit washed over me. The woman standing there was at least six foot and wearing a bikini top and cut off shorts. Standard Southern summer lounge wear. "Library?" she said, her voice pleasant at a normal volume. The room beyond her was dark.

     "Yes, ma'am. Just stopping by to, um, well…"

     "Go on."      

From inside the trailer, I could hear a scraping and saw a shaft of light fall across the floor as curtains somewhere inside began to part. If Candi turned around, things might get a little strange for us.

     I said, "Well, the library had a notice for some overdue books at this address. I was wondering if maybe you had them?"

     "Oh, well, I don't think I have any books from the library," she said.

     "Are you Candi?"

     "I am. How long ago were they checked out?" 

     "A few years."

     Candi frowned. "I mean, maybe. I did like to read a while, but I've only been here for a minute."

     Around the back of the trailer came a crashing sound. I wondered what the hell Childrens was up to. 

     Candi turned and brought back the shrill with, "Quiet, you damn dog." Back to me. "Come on in, let's look around."

     "I uh… I have a fear of dogs. Let's look out in your car."

     "In my car?"

     "Yeah. Most folks, the books slide under the seat, and they just don't remember."

     Candi nodded and stepped toward me. I had no idea what made her believe me other than some divine authority over books.

     "What's the book?" she said, fishing her keys from her pocket. 

     "I'm not sure. I forgot the paper back at the library, but there should be a stamp on the title page with our name and a call number on the spine."

     "Okay," Candi said. She pushed past me, her hand touching my butt. "Let's look in the back seat first."

     This had taken a turn, but there was not much I could do. She pushed the button on her fob, and a red Honda Civic chirped back at us. She opened the back door and said, "You first."

     "I'll check the other side," I said and tried not to be too awkward as I circled the car.

     After about five minutes of leaning over in the back seat, it was clear nothing was under the seats but old french fries and a sticky puddle I did not want to investigate. I looked up to see Childrens peeking out from the side of the trailer. She smiled and waved two large books at me. 

     "Well, I don't think it's here," I said. "Maybe if you do find it, bring it to the library. It's no worry and I'll take the fine-"

     Candi grabbed me by the front of the shirt and pulled me in for a kiss. A damn good kiss. A damn good kiss that wiped my mind of whatever I had been doing. 

     "Never had a librarian in my back seat before," Candi said.

     "I uh um well…" I said.

     Candi leaned in again, but I pulled back. Over her shoulder I could see Childrens standing with the books in one hand and dog's leash in the other, both on her hips. Her head shook slowly. I noticed she had a cut on her forehead that was bleeding down to her eye. That shook me out of whatever was happening.

     "I'm sorry. I have to go," I said.

     Candi stuck out her bottom lip and tried to pull me close again. "No, you don't."

     "Sorry," I said and exited the vehicle.

     "Well, you know where to find me," she said grinning.

     "If you find the book, thanks," I said looking back where Childrens had been. She had gone around the trailer. I made it to the car and sat in the air conditioning, waiting for my partner in crime.

     When she got in, she introduced me to Tom the dog while throwing the car repair books in the back seat. "You have lipstick on," she said giggling.