Field Report #244553: Red Bokoblin "Jeff"

Supervisors Note: The following is a report from the last survivor of an attack on a bokoblin camp in the Gerudo Desert. Rather than the standard debrief interview, we felt it would be more therapeutic for the subject, a 32-year-old red bokoblin named Jeff, to write the incident report in his own words. If more information is needed, Jeff is available from his relocated assignment in Hyrule Field near the Ranch Ruins.

For the record, my name is Jeff [Last name redacted] and I was stationed at Claw camp near the Southern Oasis in the Gerudo Desert. There were four of us, myself and another red named Razorclaw, along with a black boko named Sgt Painstump, a silver named Jeff 2, and an Electric Lizalfo named Steve. Didn' like Steve much, he didn' have a lot of control over his equipment and would shock the shit out of us.

The camp was standard. One flat level with a cooking pot above the ground, two scout towers. It was morning, just at first light so Sgt Painstump, Jeff 2, and Steve were asleep by the fire. I was gettin up to relive Razorclaw who had been on watch all night.

I don' know why we were targeted. We didn' have a chest or even special weapons. I had a stick. A wooden fuckin stick.

The arrow that got Razorclaw came from the dark. It was cold out there at night and it just streamed in a "ping." Razor was dead, flashing into the deep black and purple void. I blew the horn and got Sgt Painstump, Jeff 2, and Steve up, but then the real attack happened.

He came up from below. Like, I can't describe it. We were grabbing weapons and this green bloop happens. This guy in a pink hood, snow pants, and no shirt popped out from the wood as if he was swimming. I yelled, but he threw like a pinecone into the fire and launched into the air.

He had some kind of thing. It let him float. I don' fuckin know. I just know he started raining down fire and bombs on us. Sgt. Painstump got most of that. I can hear the screams.

Me, Jeff 2, and Steve were thrown clear. I hit the sand, still cold from the evening but the warm sun felt so nice. I remember laying there thinking that maybe this is what the great void was like. Then Steve started screaming.

This little weirdo had a spear with some kind of laser on it. Steve was hit a dozen times in a row. Pap pap pap pap pap you get the idea. Just over and over. I watched as Steve fell dropping all his gear. He got back up, the bastard. You could smell the ozone of Steve's lightning trying to power up, but that laser staff just kept hitting him.

I saw the ghosts when the sun rose over the mountains. The guy, Link I guess, had two ghosts with him. One bird kid who kept hammering Steve with arrows. The other was a rock guy. Link and the rock guy connected, some kind of silent thing, and Steve died in a fiery ghost blur.

I can't tell you what happened. But I know what it looks like when death and his ghost friends turn on you.

But the ghosts went away. Link, he went around picking up pieces of Steve and Razorclaw and Sgt Painstump. Pieces of my friends. I gripped my little wooden stick so hard I heard the wood creak.

Then he turned on me. The dead eyes looked at me over and he turned away. I got a rock and threw it. Don't know why. I guess I just wanted to feel like I tried. Maybe I wanted him to say something. Anything. But he kept walking then running away.

I thought about chasing him, but then realized I was supposed to tell you. I was supposed to tell my story.

Reading back, I don't even know what happened to Jeff 2. Could be out there. Could be dead.

Anyway, then Link jumped on this rock that had fallen earlier that night and I dunno, fucker just lifted into the heavens like magic.

I'll never be the same.