Love of my life: What time are we going to see Avengers on Sunday, our regular day to go to the movies and share a cinematic experience?
Me: You must be confusing Sunday with Thursday and my willingness to wait for most movies with the last ten years I've been watching this giant ass TV show that's getting its season cliffhanger episode so I want to see it as soon as possible because the Internet is a spoiler sinkhole and this time I give a shit.
That's the conversation I had about seeing Avengers: Infinity War. If you care about spoilers, then you have not seen the movie and therefore should not care about spoilers. That's my view on spoilers in reviews. That's why I call it a review rather than "recommendation" or a "warning." You're a grown ass adult who can go sit in the dark for two and a half hours without someone telling you you can't. If you're not a grown ass adult, well, go solve cancer cause my future depends on you. I gave that up to talk about movies and books online.
So where the hell do you start with this damn movie, huh? I mean, is it even a movie? The only person with an arch is the villain, our heroes learn little to nothing, and the ending is a super big bummer that hints at a sequel movie that does not even have a name yet.
I got nothing, so I'm going to talk about the core of this movie, the Avengers and the Guardians of the Galaxy. Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Captain America, Black Widow, and that other guy who I'm not going to talk about because he didn't show up are our original Avengers. Of the five I am going to talk about, only three of them get full on stories, so again, is this a movie? For the rest of the cast, this movie could also have been titled Guardians of the Galaxy: Hey We Know That Guy War, so I'll throw in some talk of GotG. Then Thanos.
And yes, I am going to tell you that Spider-Man was the best. The "magic kick" sequence had me rolling as well as the running "this really old movie" gag. Tom Holland also gets best acting award for his deletion scene. Some I've read thought it over the top, but I saw it as a teenager who can feel danger coming feeling a danger he can't dodge coming strong and hard and killing him. He just didn't want to go and that kinda hurt.
Okay, so Avengers. Let's start with Iron Man, the first movie that started it all. Tony Stark is feeling good. He's doing a fun run, is engaged, and kinda talking like he wants a baby. Then Doctor Strange shows up, explains the Thanos problem, then Thanos's dudes show up and explain the fighting. Spider-Man shows up and Tony, Strange, and Peter are off to space.
They kill the evil space wizard and fight the Guardians, teaming up to take the glove off Thanos. When that fails, they lose the Time Stone because Strange saw the future and all dissolve on a far off planet.
Tony Stark does not really have an arc in this narrative despite everyone showing up to tell him things. He's protective of Peter, but that fails. He's got a real hell of a moment with Pepper on the phone, but that feels more like an echo of Captain America going into the ice at the end of his flick.
Really, in the end, what is Tony's story here? That fighting super hard and giving your all for altruistic purposes sometimes is useless? It's what happens. For all his hubris and mistakes in the past movies, Tony Stark has learned to fight the good fight well, but here that lesson fails him.
Look, I just realized this is going to be super long and I got laundry to do. So guess what? I'm splitting it up! Don't hate me! This will be the longest review I've ever done. Might take all week.
It's okay if you hate me. There's a support group or whatever.