Cooking Eggs for the Universe

by Banned Library in


Mike Myers the comedian once said in the movie So I Married an Axe Murderer that most Scottish meals are based on a dare. Cooking in the South is based often on hope.

    My mother taught me to cook the traditional way. She'd say, "ST, use the microwave if you don't want cereal. We're late for school."

    Here's my mother's recipe for making perfect scrambled eggs: Take an egg. Make sure it came from a chicken or some type of farm bird bigger than your hand. As I learned on The Island, robin's eggs work in a pinch but then you have to fight robins.

    Fuck robins.

    You can use the whole egg, except for the shell unless you want crunchy eggs with little knives that cut your gums. Mixing in egg shells can also freak out your dentist if you don't have Oreos or Cheetos.

    Fuck dentists.

    So take the egg in a bowl, not your hand, and mix in some milk and a some pepper. Don't mix in salt because it can flatten the egg and sometimes you use too much. You should watch your health.

    Fuck salt.

    After you have mixed your egg in the bowl… Did you use a fork to mix the egg? You could have used a whisk. Maybe buy a whisk and stop being a chump.

    Fuck chumps.

    Throw that bowl with the egg mix into the microwave and wait one minute. Wait… Did you turn on the microwave? Push the buttons on the microwave to make it go for a minute. Not actually go. Like, "heat up food" go. If your microwave leaves the kitchen, maybe you tried to program your dog. My dog never could cook and if he could then he lied.

    Fuck liars.

    So back to the microwave. Everyone's microwave is different. It's okay to have a different microwave than your friends or even your mom and dad. Microwaves come in all shapes and sizes. They have different controls and work in different ways but all of them want to help you. If they don't want to help you then they must be destroyed. That is the way of The Island.

    Anyway, set the microwave for one minute. When the minute is up, stir the egg. You should have some lumps, yellow curd looking things. That's good. It means the egg is cooking instead of trying to leave you. Good things stay around and help you, like microwaves and eggs and dogs. Bad things leave and hurt you, like robins and dentists and chumps and liars. Somethings are okay in moderation, like salt. This is also the way of The Island.

    One more minute in the microwave! This will allow the egg to finish cooking. That is if you turn on the microwave. Were you waiting around for a minute waiting for the egg to cook on its own? Many have.

    Turn on the microwave and let it cook the egg. Then think about things. Maybe contemplate your existence. You have a minute. One day you will die. You will no longer be here and neither will anything and everything you love. Nothing will change except your sentient contribution to the earth.

    You will continue to contribute however. Your atoms will move on to create life, even the atoms in your final breath expelled from your dying lungs. Your thoughts will continue in your creations, your blogs or your gardens or your social media or your basic contribution to thought. You may have a child, a combination of your atoms and your creations. The greater idea is to

    Hey your egg is done! Now you can add some salt. Not too much because maybe you want to continue being and creating and continuing. You are you experiencing yourself.

    But seriously, fuck robins. Stupid red-chested flying lumps of shit.