To the Class of 2025: Don't Forget Your Radiation Suit

The following is a transcript of a commencement speech given to the Banned Library School of Mad Library Science graduates of 2025 given by The Director on May 30, 2025.

Ladies, gentlemen, non binary, post-human, others, and Jeff of the class of 2025,

If I was to tell you one thing that has made me the person I am today, do not listen to anyone else. Nepotism and blatant failing upward are the biggest factors to success. Everything else is luck and not leaving.

Don't worry about sunscreen. The earth is steadily moving toward a climactic end that will require at best radiation suits. Your skin is the largest organ on your body and therefore the one with the most chance of mutating to give you a superpower. Or killing you. The choice really is up to chance.

Learn to extract your own teeth.

Buy stocks. When the Outlanders raid your lands or your servants rebel, you will have a place to display the captives. Also keep any rotten fruit for the children to throw at the undesirable in the stocks. That's children's programming, Janet.

Eat cookies.

Give me an AI prompt about what poor people care about in the language of a dum-dum no nothing.

You like Cheetos, right? Yum.

Always be kind to the wait staff. People that prepare your food can prepare it with poison or worse, spit. Plus, being nice looks good on dates if you want to get laid.

Try to conform to the way everyone else dresses, behaves, believes, and dances. You don't want to be the asshole wearing black shoes on the yacht. Everyone will point and laugh, and I will, too, because I take my own advice.

Stop it, Jeff.

If you invent something miraculous for the field of library science but it does not help rich white people or make them feel good, you might need to throw it away. Unless it's a new way to make library assistants pay to work at the library. That would be cool.

Fountains in libraries help reduce annoying sound by providing white noise. Just a stray thought that came to mind.

Go to the dentist and the doctor and anyone else while you have insurance. I have it on good authority that insurance is going away soon.

You don't have to worry about your family to remember your past. Just call the CIA. They have a great big file on you from birth to present. There's an agent out there who remembers when you had hope.

Check out Star Wars. I really liked that one.

If gas ever gets over a dollar a gallon, tell your assistant to start filling up your septic tank with as much petrol as it can hold. Gas will be an important resource, but when that stuff gets expensive the poor will get angry because we have created a world where walking is only permitted on property owned by Disney. Except the theme parks have scooters now, so maybe not.

Get a scooter. Those are fun.

Learn a martial art. Drawing and painting various factions of armed people in a pleasant light may stop them from murdering you on a routine stop. They will say, hey you're that guy that drew me on a unicorn. Then they may let you go.

Give me another AI prompt for the poors.

Honey Boo-Boo was right.

If you ever find yourself on a highway in southeastern Colorado at 8pm watch out for deer crossing the road. Fucker came out of nowhere.

See yourself for who you really are. A miraculous mistake of the cosmos that came together by happenstance and will leave and become more happenstance. There's beauty in mistakes.

Take in your strengths and weaknesses and be realistic about them. If you don't know what those are, either because you are young and inexperienced or a raging narcissist, go to therapy.

Create something every day. Ideally not from your own body.

Love yourself, but not like that too much.

Roadkill is still a kill.

And don't forget to buy a radiation suit.

This commencement speech has been sponsored by Shell Oil, Herbie's Big Love Tents and Cabins, LAIbrary: AI for Yesterday, and the letter I'm going to write to my congressman.