To the Class of 2025: Fuck all Y'all

The following is a transcript of a valedictorian speech given to the Banned Library School of Mad Library Science graduates of 2025 by Jessie Marlborough on May 30, 2025.

Hi everybody, including the dean, The Director, faculty, staff, and my fellow students. Thanks for coming to my graduation.

I'll be honest, I found writing this very hard. So hard in fact that I used LAIbrary, the library AI software to help me write it. Like, not write write it, but I asked it the kinds of things valedictorian speeches include. Very helpful tips in there.

First it told me to give my speech a theme. Some idea that will guide me as I addressed everyone today. So I chose, Fuck All Y'all.

I hope I can stay on theme, you pack of rats and bastards and rat bastards. I apologize to the rat community for bringing you up to their level.

I figure the tone will be pretty easy: I'm angry as fuck and fuck all y'all.

The AI also pointed out a few key elements that are found in these speeches. Let's get this shit done.

First is gratitude. I know, I know, y'all want me to be all thank all the gods I don't have to see you fuckmunches again. Nope, I have real gratitude. I want to thank -

Oh, and I'm not saying names so this can go down in history and you shits will just have to wonder.

I want to thank the teacher of History of Library. You dumb bastard, you gave me a D one semester and when I retook the class you gave me an A. I handed in the same work. Thanks for that.

I want to thank my fellow students for asking truly stupid questions proving you have never worked in a library laboratory before. Now I know when I see your lazy ass resumes to tell my HR to burn that shit. 

Thanks to my family and friends for drinking with me every damn day. Hell yeah, grandma, pound that forty ounce.

Reflection. I remember coming to my first library class here. There were so many beakers of books and chemicals I had no idea how to pronounce. As I got more familiar with the history, the legacy, and the ketamine that is found in every library, I was like fuck yeah this shit is easy. Just put things in order. So I did that and passed most of my classes in a haze of smoke and booze. Y'all think I did my thesis on Cataloging Dichotomies of European versus Pacific Asian Library Collections from 1854 to Present in a good state of mind? That was a cry for help.

Advice. Man, not a lot gonna help you assholes. Go out there and be the mediore Miss Rachel's and lazy reference fucks you were always meant to be. Have fun teaching elderly boomers how to find their passwords for the next two decades, chumps.

Next is inspiration. I dunno, I thought that mediocre Miss Rachel thing was pretty good. Do that instead of this library shit. Youtube your talent and embrace how poor you really are at it. You're gonna make some mom very happy that they don't have to watch their kid while they are struggling to finish their shift at Denny's some day. Chase that dream while some jerk from the library bathroom chases you with a pipe in one hand and a pound of crap in the other.

Humor: Remember that the books on paranoia are always right behind you!

I got that from Reader's Digest. Looked up and sourced. Take notes, back row, that's how that shit's done.

Two more, then I'll let one of these assholes in suits talk.

A personal touch. I think I've kinda done that so far, but just in case *grabbed crotch* Take that home with you.

And finally, a call to action where I give you something worthwhile to go out into the world with. Something you can think of for the next few years. Something when the drudgery hits and you don't want to check out another book or make another book slushie or compile that database for the library AI so it doesn't turn the power in your office off again. Here's that call to action.

Take that diploma you worked so hard for, that your parents said was the only way they would have pride in you, that same diploma you will be saying for years "yes, they require a degree to be a librarian even one at an evil mansion on a hill." Take that diploma and frame it. Put it somewhere you will see it every day. And on the day when you forget why you ever wanted to be a librarian, I want you to take that diploma off the wall and shove it right up your ass.

Fuck all y'all, with love.