The library has relatives visiting so if we look busy, goddamn it, yes we are busy and have to keep working. The world doesn't stop because you drove ninety miles, Cousin Rob.

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What the stars can tell us reaches back to the dawn of time and far into the future. An ever expanding universe can be yours at the library "Astronomy Now!" program held outside the library in the courtyard this Thursday evening. Come as local astronomers set up their telescopes and ritual gear to peer into the black abyss far above and call down those beings more powerful than we can ever imagine to answer the eternal question: "What's up with all the tentacles?" Astronomy Now! Library courtyard, Thursday, March 19th from 8pm to midnight.

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The library group chat is mostly memes about things burning.

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Children's St Patty's Story Time will be happening at noon on March 17th. The fountain will be dyed green, the snakes will be loose in the building, and everyone will be pissed. Bring your own Guinness. March 17, 12pm.

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Sunday Sunday SUNDAY! Come on down to the FRIENDS OF THE LIBRARY patreon and see the EXTREME content and EXTREME action as we discuss LIFE and THE DECAY OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION. For the blog, it's the same content you love on the website but EARLIER. For $1 a month, you get EXTREME amounts of podcast episodes, including early SHITTIER and RAMBLING nonsense from almost a decade ago. FRIENDS OF THE LIBRARY, join the patreon or don't!

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Reference has a new collection of local histories called "Local Histories." They are not page-turners.

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Once upon a time, a little child came to the library. The little child was poor and hungry, with nothing on against the cold winter wind but an old blanket her mother had given her. Her mother had passed the year before, and her father had vanished after the funeral.

The little child walked around the building until she found a chair. She sat and huddled under her blanket. Beside her was a copy of "Silence of the Lambs" by William Harris. The little child began to read and was engrossed by the wonderful nature of the serial killer narrative.

Pretty soon, a patron took notice of the little child. The patron, a nosy bastard, stalked over to the child and tore the book from her little hands. The patron stalked over to the circulation desk and demanded to speak to a librarian.

"No child should have access to this book!" the patron said.

While waiting to speak to a librarian, patron talked to everyone how the library let children read pornography. The little child quietly slid behind the patron. She kicked out at the back of the patron's knee. The older person cried out and slumped. The child then took the patron by the hair and smacked the patron's head into the desk. The patron dropped the book and fell to the floor unconscious.

The child picked up her book and went back to her chair. There she continued reading until the library closed.

The librarian had seen the entire event from the security cameras. The librarian approved. The librarian then called the police to come pick up the obvious drug addicted lunatic who was accosting children at the library. The patron was held for psychiatric evaluation for ninety days, continually dosed with tranquilizers to stop outbursts.

At closing, the librarian approached the child. The librarian asked if the child had considered a career in library and information science.

And that's how librarians are made.

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Story time this week will be extra long so we can impart the wisdom of communal living with children who may or may not survive the coming insanity.

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RETRACTION: A few weeks ago the library published the following: "Quick review of the 1985 movie Back to the Future: Fucking rocks my socks." We would like to apologize to all those who were offended and offer the following: "Back to the Future fucking rocks all the socks." Thank you.

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Voting at the library could not be easier! All you have to do is gather all documents that prove citizenship, choose any three (3) of the following:

Birth certificate
Photo ID
DNA sample
Photo of you with an appropriate United States politician
Firearm licence (concealed carry optional)
A slice of homemade apple pie cooled on a window sill overlooked by a hungry beggar
A stock portfolio of American businesses or businesses in which an appropriate United States politician also invests
A bald eagle to verify your American-ness
A presidential pardon

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Oral history, The Great Pillow Fire of 1968 from Randall Paul "R. P." Weary (1946-), lifelong county resident: "Man, those pillows burned like a son of a gun."

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The library apologizes for the lapse in internet connectivity at the main branch over the weekend during the thunderstorm. The disconnect happened when a now former employee took advantage of the storm and caused a general internet and power outage across the system to allow himself to smuggle various items out the back door while security was down. We recognize the struggle this caused many patrons as we worked to resume service. Many items in controlled environments may have escaped during the outage but have now been contained. The loss of life was regrettable, and the library thanks the Costa Rican government for its help once the storm passed. Please come enjoy dinosaur books in the library!