The library reserves the right of trial by combat for damaged books.

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This past weekend was the ending of "The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs." Bittersweet and painful ending, although there will be a few specials coming. If you have not seen or don't know about the show, it stars Joe Bob Briggs, the champion of low-grade and underwatched movies that used to play in drive-in theaters. The blood, breasts, and beasts kind of films made on low budgets often by first-time filmmakers looking to break into filmmaking. Usual horror movie host fare, Joe Bob and Darcy the Mail-girl would come on and banter, give some facts about the movie, and at times interview people involved with the movie or just someone interesting. What made it great was that it was live. It was appointment viewing because they didn't say what they were playing before the 6pm (PST) start time. Many a Friday over the last seven years I sat with friends and drank beer, texted with friends about the movie, and/or jumped on social media to joke. The Mutant Family, as the fans are called, became a community. Good people and laughter is always a good time, and that's what The Last Drive-In gave. Most of the movies and all of Joe Bob's commentary are still available on Shudder, the horror streaming service. Thank you to Joe Bob and Darcy and everyone on the show that made many Fridays so much better over the last seven years. The drive-in will never die.

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The library is looking up the word "pedantic" in the dictionary so we'll use it right when telling our diary about today's reference interaction.

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Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do! The library does because the website costs money and so does our valuable time. To help out, we created the Friends of the Banned Library on Patreon, patreon.com/bannedlibrary. For a $1 a month, you get everything we publish early from podcasts to blogs as well as the past episodes that aren't available anywhere else. Check it out!

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Today the library fountain stopped working and the stress that was caused cannot be measured. Unless you measure things in the amount of screams a group of people can produce in a given hour. Then you would measure the stress caused by the library fountain not working as "a bunch of screams."

The library fountain sits just off the magazine section near the staircase. The base is circular concrete about three and a half feet high with a small "fence" of plexiglass on top to discourage sitting. The ornament in the middle is a depiction of the Great God Pan standing on rocks playing his pipes to lure creatures into his sexual embrace. The Great God Pan is well-endowed and ready for action. Water flows from the pipes and from the top of the Great God Pan's head (between his satyr horns) into the basin that has decorative rocks and a few lights at the bottom. At night the lights remain on creating horned shadows that dance and flicker.

A brass plaque next to the fountain reads "Presented and funded by the Ladies' Auxiliary Lumber Association, 'Great God Pan Welcomes You' a sculpture and fountain created by local "mad wizard" Abdul Alhazred. Dedicated August 28, 1876."

The primary function of the fountain is to mask noise in the building. White noise in a public space with as many hard surfaces as the library has helps to keep sound carrying. Feet shuffling, pages turning, coughing, nail clipping, the constant murmur of voices, and farting all can cause the human mind to fold in on itself. Within two minutes of the fountain failing, three people fell to the ground grasping their heads. An hour later a woman gave birth at the reference desk; just walked up and popped a squat screaming. The man who sits on the computer all day typing a document stood up and left an hour before closing. Strange things continued as strange thoughts entered into strange minds.

We have called JT's Plumbing and Stuff to come work on the fountain, as well as the Ladies' Auxiliary Lumber Association and the mad wizard Abdul Alhazred's family. Children's thinks they saw the Great God Pan move during story time.

May the Great God have mercy on our souls.

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The newest edition of "Haunted Doll Monthly" is available in the magazine section. The article titled "Mannequin: Movie or Legend?" is a game changer.

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Signups for the Library Eoster Celebration are available on the website. Please remember that everyone attending will be required to bring your own rabbit this year. Children under 13 must be supervised by an adult. Those over 65 will not be allowed to explain how "it was better in my day."

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The children's department asks for a moment of silence after the passing of the summer reading mascot Nugget the goldfish. Please do not put animals in the library fountain.

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Quick review: Wuthering Heights (2026) needed more Nicholas Cage.

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The library gallery will be hosting the collection "Fan-Art of Dumpsty Pumpsty" including the local artist Pumpsty's short film rendition of Disney's Frozen if it had been created by Don Bluth. Parental guidance not needed. If it's too freaky, you're too deaky.

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The children's program "Satanic Panic Boogaloo" will begin this Friday at midnight.

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Top 10 things not to do during your colonoscopy:

Move Around
Eat a pocket cheeseburger
Discuss the ending of Breaking Bad
Fight back
Ask for them to reach around
Think about the fact that you are allowing another human being to drug you while another human being roots around in your bowels while yet another human being watches and you don't even get to enjoy it
Complain about current government policies
Yell "Wrong hole, Ron!"
Make the following puns: "get to the bottom of it," "time to come clean," or "this is crappy."
Claim sudden religious epiphany