The library wants to remind everyone that playing pranks in the building Wednesday, April 1st, will end in pain and screaming and a permanent ban.

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The library bookmobile will be available for deliveries to recoup the impound fees incurred after the sheriff impounded the vehicle due to "moving violations," "parking violations," and "selling moonshine without a license." The bookmobile will no longer have moonshine available. Wink.

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The glowing tome in the special collections is not calling to you. Please do not break the protective glass around the book.

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The library wants to send a special shout out to a birthday girl this week. Katy, may the next year be full of smiles and joy, warmth and love. Thank you for sharing your time with me.

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Hark! Doth thou see the ads upon thy page! Doth… Look, I don't get paid enough to write copy in Shakespeare. See all them ads all over the library's website? That's how we pay for the site as well as the drugs and books and other stuff libraries need to operate. It's not cheap, but we'd love to no longer have ads in the way, so we set up the Friends of the Banned Library over on patreon. For $1 a month, you can see all this content, some of it earlier than it appears on the website as well as extra podcast episodes. Who knows, if enough people join we may be able to take down the ads and provide tech services the expensive sex workers and top shelf whiskey they keep asking for!

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The library offers competitive health insurance and salary benefits as long as you never get sick and live in the library.

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The full moon will be on the day of fools. Do not believe those that tell you the moon is a lie. The moon does not lie. The moon tells the truth of the universe, and we are its dream. One day the moon will wake, and what fools we will all be. What fools we are to believe the moon will be lucid when it awakes and tells its spouse about all the beings of sadness it dreamed now vapor in its mind. And the moon's spouse will tell it to not eat chili before bed anymore and roll over and go to sleep. The moon will burp and agree not to be full of chili after seven pm. Then the moon will say to no one in particular "They thought they mattered."

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The reference stapler has still not been found. Please give it back before they "go out back."

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Children's will be having a special video game story time this week that is legally distinct in every way from any property. So come on down and play with us as we kick walking flowers and hit turtles with bricks shaped like black holes in Super Duper Bario Universe Story Time!

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The library will once again be putting on our passion play for the Eostre celebration this weekend. Starting Friday, we will find a criminal with some ideas about the world and torture the hell out of him, her, or they. As long as he or she or they keeps saying we should all be nice to each other and that he/she/they is a god or whatever, we'll keep up the violence until that punk dies. Then we'll chunk the body in a hole and cover it with a rock. Biggest one we can find. Saturday we will have a cake and tea dinner. Sunday right at the crack of dawn we will check the big rock. If it's still there, six more weeks of spring. It has been pointed out that since we are right at the beginning of spring that this is a foregone conclusion, but maybe this year the rock will move or whatever. Sunday afternoon more cake and tea and a light dance party to celebrate the coming of Eostre. Bring your own rabbit and/or eggs.

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The library water fountain is once again operational after someone was elected on a campaign of city-wide "fruit punch for free" and implemented the promise first with city hall and then the library. "Chicken finger Friday" has been a success, however.

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The Spring Survival Reading Program will continue in full next week, April 6-11. Now that we have trained in hand-to-hand combat and have a packing list, here is a general itinerary for the week's events:

Monday, April 6 - Gather at the library at dawn. Buses leave as the sun rises, and we venture into the wilderness. When we have gone far enough, we will set up camp and find water. A spaghetti dinner along with drinks will end the evening.
Tuesday, April 7 - Breakfast at 7am and a light round of trust exercises. Then we divide into camps finding those that do not belong. Those happy few will not be told and will be fed just like the rest.
Wednesday, April 8 - Those designated "ones that do not belong" will be set free into the wilderness. Then THE HUNT will begin.
Thursday, April 9 - THE HUNT will continue.
Friday, April 10 - THE HUNT will continue. For survivors, a small party with refreshments will end the night.
Saturday, April 11 - Graduation ceremony! Buses will arrive and take survivors back to the library for a pizza social and debrief by the local hunting lodge.