The Spring Survival Reading Program wrap up party will feature survivors of the previous decade. The punch will not be poisoned this time!

ᛊᛏ

The bookmobile is providing ride share as a side hustle. Don't throw up on the books, please.

ᛊᛏ

Come on down to the library for help with taxes. Our experienced group of elderly accountants doing this work for free on their own time are happy to put up with your stressed-out abuse because you waited until the last minute or voted for people that have made this process so complicated there's no way you can do it by yourself. Please note that library staff will stab you if you make grammy and grampa accountants cry.

ᛊᛏ

The only "boy who lived" in the library is Abel Peters who has been struck by lightning sixty-two times in the head.

ᛊᛏ

Doom. Hell. Cold. Dentata. Do these words mean anything to you? They should. Those words are just four of the words we have used on the podcast in the last decade or so. Do you want to hear more? There's so many more words. Not in the last few years, but we're getting back on the horse with four episodes a month, three of which will be on Patreon. Are you reading this after April 13th? You could have read it earlier. Up to, I dunno, a week earlier? Depends on our schedule. But for $1 a month, you help us feel like we should keep doing this. The Friends of the Banned Library. We're trying, dammit.

ᛊᛏ

The library will no longer even consider putting self-published books on our shelves. Ask your AI of choice why.

ᛊᛏ

In the public library system, several departments work together to service members of the community. Technical Services purchases and maintains the collection, Circulation organizes and distributes the collection, Reference answers questions, and Children's helps children do things. These are their stories.

Jessie and Franklin are custodians after hours in the library. Jessie tells Franklin to go over to the circulation desk and empty the baskets. Franklin says Jessie is just mad the Eagles didn't make any baskets last night. Jessie laughs and says next time. Franklin rounds the circulation, moves a chair, and begins screaming. The corner of a book covered in glitter peaks out, glue pooling on the carpet.

The next day, Circulation walks into the tech serv office and tosses a plastic bag on the tech serv desk. What do we have here, tech serv says but can see the copy of "Old Man and the Sea" with splotches of glitter and glue on it. Circulation says overnight janitorial found it under the circulation desk. One of yours, tech serve says. My people didn't do that, Circulation says. Can you fix it? Tech services says I don't know. Circulation walks out, slamming the door behind them.

Children's is in the workroom organizing pipe cleaners by color. Circulation comes in, saying Nice work on that story time. Thanks, Children's says. Circulation says, Look, I gotta copy of Old Man and the Sea covered in glitter. Children's says they heard; that's not one of hers; that's adult fiction. Circulation says, sure, that's what they thought. But just last week it was moved to the high school reading list. That list falls on Children's desk. Fuck you, Children's says. We don't know nothing. We'll see, Cirulation says.

What do you want me to do about it? the Director says. Circulation says that's the third glittered book this week. Children's says it wasn't them; tech serv's up my ass because we don't have much budget for replacements. Director leans forward, saying If you think this is someone in children's, then you better be right. The only thing people give a damn about anymore is that sparkly corner of the library. Circulation perked up, saying Say that again. The director said they would not repeat themselves. Circulation leaves.

Reference, reference, reference. Those books are coming out of your budget, Circulation says. Reference sits behind their desk all alone save a copy of the Encyclopaedia Britannica that's out of date because they stopped publishing it. Reference says I don't know what you mean. Circulation leans down and says I know it's you who's been glittering books. Nobody gives a damn about reference with their phones. I can prove it. Fuck you, Reference says. Circulation pulls out a flashlight and with one click, Reference's hands and desk light up like a disco ball. Reference says Those books should be up here with me. I can help high schoolers. Circulation says You can't even help yourself, and snaps their fingers. Tech Serv appears behind Reference and wraps their hands around their mouth and body, pulling Reference back into the darkness with the sound of a rolling chair and muffled screams.

ᛊᛏ

The library wants you to know that the new book in the series you love will be on hold for you to pick upon the day it is released. You can't "go in the back and read a few pages" while we catalog.

ᛊᛏ

The library six thousand mile fun run is coming soon. Coming soon for you, Dale.

ᛊᛏ

Library staff remember few patron names unless you have started some shit. For instance, all staff know of, listed without context for anonymity:

Magazine guy
Kid that ate shit in Reference or KidShitRef
Round and Round Mom
Help Us Upload Our Personal Pictures Couple
Massage Guy
Nosebleed Anime Dude
Graffiti Greg
Correcting history Carl
Push Up Mom
The Frog
Mr. Boddy
Pete Post-it
Grumpy Butt

ᛊᛏ

The library reference department answers questions in person, by mail, on the phone, by scrying, and by necromancy. Tina Patterson, your mother wanted you to know she loves you, look in the hidden bottom of her jewelry box, and that Harry Anderson did not play the same character in the sitcoms Cheers and Night Court.

ᛊᛏ

The branch library on the other side of the county in the Forbidden Wood has nothing for you.