Signups for the library Walpurgisnacht program "Ain't No Party Like a Witch Party" will begin this Wednesday. Get ready for a hell of a good time.

ᛊᛏ

The branch library will no longer be accepting sacrifices to the nameless ones in place of fines. As the system is currently fine free, we do not recommend returning items late to the branch library.

ᛊᛏ

Children's has a problem and the only solution is more glitter!

ᛊᛏ

The full Chilton collection will be on display this week as part of the library history collection. Come see our copy of the 8159 Ford Bronco Explorer Ranger 1983-94 Repair Manual today!

ᛊᛏ

A young man came into the library once and said "Please, librarians, please help me find a new book for my library report." And we did. We found that boy a book that made him cry. That made him think. That made him wonder about his place in humanity. Who was that boy? We have no idea because we were moving on to another child. That's what the library does. We also write this weekly library info posts and publish them early on our Patreon. For $1 a month, you can get these posts early as well as three extra podcasts a month. patreon.com/bannedlibrary and support the children we make up.

ᛊᛏ

The library still hates "Spider-Man: One Moment in Time."

ᛊᛏ

The great rumble of thunder calls to the heart while rain pounds into the pavement. Inside the heater ticks and clanks. Warmth invades. Story time at 5pm.

ᛊᛏ

The phone at the circulation desk is for local calls less than five minutes. The phone at the reference desk is for staff only. The phone at the children's desk is for parents who forgot where they dropped their kids off.

ᛊᛏ

The library will be closed for a spring staff party next Monday, April 27th. While we are closed, imagine what we are up to in there. Drinks flowing from ice sculptures and circulated by robotic waiters. Buffet tables of expensive finger foods, sushi, cuts of prime beef, whole cooked tuna steaks with pesto drizzle, fried ravioli filled with minced legend mutton and heirloom tomatoes, and spears of golden potatoes and red peppers drenched in spicy mayo. A band plays moody music in the corner of the Children's department while a DJ thumps beats from the reference desk. The copier screams as we each copy our asses and pour champagne on each other. Games will be played: cornhole bags tossed and pings ponged. By the end of the evening we read aloud from all the books we keep in the back when we tell you we are out of copies. The times we will have while the library doors are locked and the library staff are free.

ᛊᛏ

Despite all his promises, the president of the class of 2026 has once again failed to put root beer in the drinking fountain.

ᛊᛏ

The library will be starting our seed library and community garden again. Please remember to plant responsibly. If you got that dank shit to grow, put it far from the consumable vegetables so we don't have another fucked up spaghetti party with cross bred "funny" tomatoes and peppers.

ᛊᛏ

In honor of April Awareness Month, the library displays will be about topics you should be aware of, including:

Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention
Workplace Violence Prevention
Arab American Heritage
Autism Acceptance
Elbow Cancer Awareness
Stairs
Wrong Turns
French Toast Not Made With Stale Bread
Invasion from the Stars Not Mars
Pins and Needles Wait Time
Yellow Fever
Aunt Jenny's Undiagnosed But She's Sure Autism
Spotted Dick
Island in the Stream
and many more!

ᛊᛏ

The library self help section has been moved to right in front of the circulation desk with a big sign and a dedicated librarian to tell you "shhh shhh, all right now, child, everything's gonna be all right." Please do not hug the librarian.

ᛊᛏ

The library is gearing up for prom season with several books on doing your hair, doing your makeup, and not acting like an ass. A dancing lessons program will be held on Friday at 5pm, with a showing of Dirty Dancing and Footloose held after. On Saturday before prom, we will be hosting a small sex education class with free condoms.

ᛊᛏ

From the "Heard around the Library" corner:

"I came to the library to file my taxes but got distracted by all the wonderful books and DVDs. Did you know they had books and DVDs at the library? The way all the church people talked about the library I thought it would be full of diseased monsters looking to molest me and mine while making me LGBT and teaching me how to make gay bombs from books about the devil. But nope, I got that Colleen Hoover book and some Avengers DVDs. I might even bring them back!" - Nancy Holder, 65, retired nail-driver

ᛊᛏ

The library stapler is labeled "library" and if we find it in the dentist office next door again, we'll staple their door closed.

ᛊᛏ

The library regrets to inform our regular users that the last call music will no longer be "Closing Time" by Semisonic. The sound now played at the end of the day will be a giant gong followed by Brenda from Circulation chanting in the old librarian tongue. Once she has finished, the doors will be locked and the day will end for anyone left inside.