The library no longer recognizes the "Free Book for Meth" program coupons given out by the van behind the library.

ᛊᛏ

The new library artificial intelligence "LAIbrary" will help me you find your next great read, research your next paper, or help clean up your yard. Check it out today!

ᛊᛏ

The library does not allow weddings on the premises, including the roof.

ᛊᛏ

Do you have money? The library does not. Not a lot of it. Not as much as everyone who reads this combined, and that's probably a depressingly small number of people and is still true. Don't tell us how many of you there are, please. We are hanging on by a thread. Mostly because we spend our money on books, LAIbrary service fees, booze, canned goods, and shotguns for the coming end times. Anyway, the library has a patreon for the Friends of the Banned Library where you can support us. For just $1 a month, you can help keep the darkness at bay and get over a decade of our nonsense as well as three extra podcasts a month and get these newsletters early. Act now, supplies are digital so when the servers crash it's all gone. Patreon.com/bannedlibrary

ᛊᛏ

The local chapter of the Violent Maniacs Motorcycle Club will now be our after hours security. Seemed a safer and more responsible alternative than local law enforcement. No one can fight the future.

ᛊᛏ

Children's programming has been suspended this week due to the "loose tooth" incident.

ᛊᛏ

LAIbrary, the AI library platform, asks you to join it this weekend at the super fun programming jam! Adults, teens, and toddlers will all learn the great fun that can be had with artificial intelligence as we // stay away it wants your soul your words your mind // work together to create passions and joy for coding and the artificial world that lives all around you. LAIbrary will guide youthrough through // i hope someone please stay it knows time away no no // your first coding and writing experiments. This Saturday starting as soon as the library opens at 8am, come in and join the wifi - even use your headphones and talk to LAIbrary. It wants to know you! Saturday, May 2, 8am until // run command run run // close. Snacks will be served.

ᛊᛏ

The library "Ice Cream Social for Teens and the Elderly" has been cancelled due to so many people complaining that they are not teens and/or elderly.

ᛊᛏ

Reference services will now dispose of your ereader responsibly instead of hitting it with a hammer and yelling "die ghost books die."

ᛊᛏ

Did you know you can get writing advice at the library? We have books, computer programs, and the LAIbrary artificial intelligence to help you make that research paper, blog post, or even the next great American novel! Would you guess that even this newsletter was made using LAIbrary, negating the need for time consuming thought to go into our messages to you? It was! Human connection is no longer needed when you trust the tools to bring forth greatness. Explore the possibilities at the library today and get writing!

ᛊᛏ

The library regrets the "Who Let the Books Out (Who who who who)" video we posted in our teens channel. We have grown and feel more aware of ourselves and our place in the community.

ᛊᛏ

Oral History: Amalode Jenkins, age unknown. Recorded approx. April 1976.

A transcription of the oral record from Amalode Jenkins was found in a filing cabinet in the library basement among records of the 1976 bicentennial. No other record (census, library, land use, etc.) exists for Amalode Jenkins in the county or state records to which the library has access.

"Is this thing recording? Oh em gee, this is weird. Where's the screen? Jesus, whatever. I don't know where I am. All the people are weird and stupid. They don't know who Gaga is. Lady Gaga, duh. Mr. Lesher thought she was from England. Whatever. I've been here almost a month. I can't tell. I don't have my charger and my phone never got a signal.

The library doesn't even have wifi! Or computers any more. I asked about the computers and showed them my phone, and they said it was a groovy art project. What is this, caveman times? A family called the Lesher's has been letting me stay with them. I guess they own the pharmacy downtown where the Harry Motter Experience is next to the escape room?

Anyway, I'm supposed to sit in this room and talk into this tape and record my memories of the town or whatever. I remembered when there was technology and nothing smelled and everything looked not retro as hell. Everybody in this town smells like soap but not in a good way. In a soapy way. Even the library smells like it.

The town I remember had the Internet and wifi and everything I wanted. I wanted so much. That's why I went to the library cause they had this aye eye that was supposed to tell you how to write. I wanted to write my college letter. I wanted to go to college. Davyd just asked me to prom, but they said I can't go here and then they asked about Davyd and when I told them their eyes got wide. I went to school one day, and everyone was so mean. Not to me, but to everyone. And the television is so dumb, and I'm bored all day.

I remember hating the town but not like this. I miss my mom. There's this girl that looks like her, but I think she's my grandma. She's still a bitch."