Craft: Legacy lacks craft and legacy

Directed and written by Zoe Lister-Jones, starring Cailee Spaeny, Michelle Monaghan, David Duchovny, Zoey Luna, Gideon Adlon, Lovie Simone

Making friends is hard, so when Lily moves to a new town with her mom and falls in with a coven everything seems great. However, things fall apart when the magic they do turns out to have consequences. The only problem with that premise to this sequel to the 90s jam that did not age well, is that the consequences are kinda not there. While the film is well shot, the script and acting are so hit and miss you would think a blind witch was poking at the movie's voodoo doll. Two and a half spells, skip this one and leave the original back in time as well. 

Notes, beware spoilers and spooky happenings

Mom and daughter sing a long

Starting your movie with a mom and daughter car sing-along to Alanis Morissette's "Hand in My Pocket" should have made me worried. But I thought, hey that's the young girl (Spaeny) from Bad Times at the El Royal, you liked that. And Michelle Monaghan! What are you doing here?

Duchovny looks bored

I wanted to say "Man, they drug David Duchovny into this" but it's more like "what did they drag Duchovny out from under?" I'll talk about his character more later, but as he's aged the laconic Mulder has just become a dull who could care.

Why school next day?

So Lily and her mom have moved to this new town to live with Duchovny and his sons (and nobody has met? Where's the backstory here? Was this a cruise ship marriage? I feel like I'm missing something important but I was probably on my phone texting how silly this shit is), and she has to go to school the next day? I've moved several times in my life, and no way did I schedule starting something new the day after arriving. What is this movie thing?

Period all over 

Biology is a tricky subject, so I'm just gonna say: the actual fuck. The menstrual cycle is a mystery to me as a man who has never had one, but I'm pretty sure by the time it's dripping down a chair you have some idea it's happening. And if this heavy flow day is something to do with the witch stuff, then it never gets brought up again. Not even that weird Hollywood crap about syncing cycles or whatever.

Oblivious hidden room is oblivious

So this movie starts a lot of stuff that gets tossed out. Duchovny's sons and a gay/bi romance are swept away tot he point where I almost don't want to talk about how it really looked like there was a hidden witch door in the house. Unless there was, and then I'm sorry. I was texting about how bored I was.

Detention for throwing dude

While I do not condone violence, I also do not believe a girl less than five feet can physically throw a six foot dude who is facing her back any distance. That he was harassing her, and she got detention is crazy.

Stage 1: telekinesis

I haven't talked about the witch girls (Luna, Adlon, Simone) because other than the welcome diversity of latino, black, and transgender individuals there is nothing to them. The actresses are fine given what they have to work with. Nobody in school likes them, so they get power and… that's it. To compare the first one, each girl had a nemesis or issue they were dealing with that magic helped. Here one girl lights her finger on fire, and they all get sparkle makeup. Also, stage 1 of magic is moving shit with your goddamn mind?! That's X-Men level, not witches in the suburbs level power. 

Breaking and hexing

To get back at the detention guy, they break into his house and cast a spell on him. Not get something from him at school, but break and enter his home. These are our good guys.

Editing off fire finger

Just a little nitpick, but there's a point where Tabby blowtorches some graffiti off her locker with her finger. Then, less than five minutes later, she seems to learn she can do this. It feels like noone was paying attention.

Weird cringe confession

Something good! I like that they made the asshat a nice guy. Little too perfect, but whatever it's a silly teen witch movie. His confession of being bi and struggling with that is cringe worthy, but also kinda real and charming. It goes nowhere, but the scene was nice.

Pearls and jacket to bed

Then our heroine, while decked out in full clothes and pearls, takes bi asshat's shirt to bed, casts another spell on him, and jills off with it. Just weird. Wait maybe until bedtime.

If we can't use power responsibility

So bi asshat dies, supposed suicide, and the girls blame Lily because casting a spell to change his personality was bad but making him love her was worse. So they decide, in the most grown up decision I have seen with no worries since never (not even the abortion in Fast Times was arrived at this quickly), the group decides to quit magic cold turkey. 

Bad dad

Here's the point where I feel this movie thought it had something good to say, had its heart in the right place, but shit the bed. Duchovny is the bad guy. He married the mom to get Lily, killed bi asshat for man reasons, and is now gonna take Lily's power. Except, other than being a normal dick, he's never seen doing much in the movie to warrant being THE bad guy. Even then, when he snaps after she gets detention, he argues with mom for a while and as far as I can tell does little else. There's supposed to be the message of "women stick together against men" which would have been great, but everything leading up to this felt meandering. It felt like it was playing with the original's "power corrupts" and then zigs at the end to little effect. Weird effect with the very tame burning him alive, too. There's just no horror in this one to earn a bad guy.

She didn't call

Not gonna lie, this is the whole reason I watched this movie. I heard Fairuza Balk was back and wanted to see Nancy again, if not in her crazed glory, then as a mentor figure. But Lily shows up to the hospital (without calling, I'm pretty sure you have to set an appointment instead of just walking in), and we get a quick shot of Balk before credits. I felt cheated and baited to a sequel that will never happen unless Jason Blum gets drunk one night and decides to green light another sequel. And I'll watch that one, too, because as much as I've railed against this movie I really do like supernatural trash dramas. Bring on a follow-up to the Faculty, Rodriquez!

Blumhouse's The Craft: Legacy

Starring Cailee Spaeny, Gideon Adlon, Lovie Simone, Zoey Luna, Nicholas Galitzine, Michelle Monaghan, David Duchovny, Julian Grey, Charles Vandervaart, Donald Maclean Jr.

Buy on Amazon

Ask a Librarian: Why are some books labeled "In Library Use Only"?

This question comes from library patrons like you! Do you have a question for our librarians? Ask away online, by phone, or mail on our Contact page!

Hi, this question comes from Chelsea B of Junior High School. Answering is our cataloging librarian, She of the Labels:

Library materials can be found in many places. Most are on the shelves, like books and DVDs. Some are processing (getting labels put on them as well as being entered into computers), while a lot of them are at patron's homes just like yours! A very small amount, though, are labeled "In Library Use Only" for many reasons. Here's a few!

1. Cost

Some books are in the library for special reasons. These books, often reference items, cost a lot of money for the library to purchase or replace. To keep them from being damaged and available, the library keeps these to be used only inside our buildings.

2. Rarity

Other books are valuable for different reasons. Age and lack of global interest in a subject can make it so some subjects, often local histories, are no longer published. These items are kept for library use so that they can be kept in great shape for years to come.

3. Fragility

Some books really are just old. They have faded writing or brittle pages. Still, for various reasons, they may need to be kept around. They are local treasures stolen from far off lands that will never be returned. To protect them, we do not allow them to leave the building.

4. Mind Dangerous

Ever read a book and sat there thinking about it for days after? Maybe a character died or a concept was explored and you cannot shake the emotions? Well, there are books that go farther than mere trivial cause of wonder. They twist and wind your mind into pretzels and cause your thoughts to become a cheese dipping sauce that oozes down onto the hands of greedy children from far off borders of reality. These books must never be read, or at least read under the supervision of a librarian.

5. Summon Those Beyond the Stacks

Ancient texts speak of beings that desire our flesh and our waking dreams. These beings can be called forth by the retching sounds of dead languages called forth from tongues that do not understand the naked hunger. The ink in these tomes is blood written on the flesh of the living. They cannot leave the library as they do not exist outside of the library. Ask a librarian for help with these.

6. In-House Library Copy

Libraries often keep one copy of a popular book back for reference. Most often these are nonfiction books, like an almanac, but some fiction books can be put to "library use only" for reasons like book clubs. This is often just for a limited time.

Remember, if you have questions about the library, our librarians, or just in general, contact us!

The Librarians: Season 2

Starring Rebecca Romijn, Christian Kane, Lindy Booth

Buy on Amazon

Frighteners (1996) kinda holds up maybe: the review

Directed and written by Peter Jackson with Fran Walsh as co-writer; starring Michael J. Fox, Trini Alvarado, and Jeffrey Combs

As a child of the 80s, Michael J. Fox could do no wrong. Yet, I struggle to say I have watched all his movies. This killer ghost collaboration with Peter Jackson is Fox's last theatrical movie, a quirky gem with more charm than scares and quality acting than effects. Something is killing the people of Fairview and paranormal investigator Frank (Fox) and Dr. Lucy (Alvarado) tries to get to the bottom of it while being harassed by X-Files wannabe FBI agent Dammers (Combs). A curiosity more than a classic, The Frighteners holds together with the only cohesive thing in the movie: pure mania. It gets three rattling old cars from me so check it out.

Here be spoilers along with my notes:

Opening would be scary without effects

While it makes little sense in the context of the movie, the opening scene of Patricia (Holy shit that's Dee Thomas, the mom from ET) and her mother is pretty harrowing. Except for the ghost effects. While this is the same WETA company that would soon make history with the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, they were kinda trying their best here. But those practical effects are just great fun to watch.

Voice Over article

Oh voice over exposition, you are so goofy. Here we get an editor reading a reporter's story about the mysterious deaths in town as well as the town's serial killer history. Why is an editor reading it to the reporter? He fucking wrote the thing; he knows what it says. And then she says to squash it and talk to a real person instead of giving a history report which is what any editor worth a letter to the editor would say. Sure, it was nicely written, but anyone reading the paper knows about the killings.

Crazy old lady

I fucking love a crazy old lady with a shotgun keeping her daughter under lock and key. Write that on my tombstone.

Ghost effects awesome

I know I crapped on the effects at the beginning, and I stand by that the "Freddy Kruger poking out of the walls'' is not very well done. However, I think the actual ghost effects of John Astin, Chi McBride, and Jim Fyfe's ghosts are well done indeed. No matter if they are squished or cut up or blown apart, I just kinda dug how they looked and felt in the world. They still feel a little "floaty" (yes, even for ghosts, haha you got me) and not in the world (yes, even for ghosts, haha you got me). It would have been a nightmare, but they should have left some of the ectoplasmic slime everywhere that Frank keeps talking about.

Anniversary castle wine

This fucking place. Do these places exist? Castle restaurants that don't have jousting? I know this is New Zealand masquerading as… America somewhere (I thought Pacific Northwest or Maine, but research says it was supposed to be Midwest? Okay…), but I've never seen this.

Why is she a witness, sheriff just found out

This is some nitpicking nitpickery, but there's a bunch of logic flaws. First was the opening ghost attack, but whatever it's fun. Here though… So a guy gets killed by a ghost reaper in the bathroom of the restaurant in front of Frank so he runs. Later at the police station, the sheriff finds out the guy was with Frank. Okay. Then right after in the same scene we get Lucy, who was eating with Frank, hauled into the station. Why? Did they think she killed the guy in the bathroom? If they suspected Frank, why did that guy have to tell the sheriff? 

Museum sex and violence

Man, this museum scene is wacky. We got priceless treasures being used and abused, both physically and sexually. We got mayhem, dead people, and mummies. The hell kinda town is this?

Wild FBI Guy

I could describe this guy all day and not do him justice. He wears a lead vest sometimes. His chest is a criss cross of scars and symbols. He acts like Van Helsing coming off of mushrooms by using more cocaine. Add in he is the same guy that played Herbert West, and I just love whatever he's up to.

Squeeze her heart, dumbass

Not gonna lie, the ending was frustrating. The evil ghost has been killing people no problem all movie, then in the end can not. For no reason, he has to use physical means to take people out, be it knife or shotgun. Another logic hole, but still enjoyable.

The Frighteners

Starring Michael J. Fox, Trini Alvarado, Peter Dobson, John Astin, Jeffrey Combs, Dee Wallace Stone, Jake Busey, Chi McBride, Jim Fyfe, Troy Evans, Julianna McCarthy, R. Lee Ermey, Elizabeth Hawthorne, Angela Bloomfield, Dee Wallace-Stone

CDC's Guide to When You've Been Fully Vaccinated As Interpreted by Library Staff

So you made it to your two appointments for the COVID-19 vaccination! Couldn't make it or bother to even make a curbside library appointment, but you made it for those shots, huh? Good to know. Good to know. Anyway, now that you are somewhat protected from the deadly virus, here's what you can and cannot do, according to the CDC as interpreted by library staff*. 

Gather Indoors with Other Vaccinated People

You got a church group and all of you got your shots, well then it's time to meet up. You don't even have to wear masks. Maybe even kiss and hug. Really hold on to these people. Talk about everyone who is not there, like the ones not vaccinated yet and the ones who died after the Christmas Pageant everyone really thought was safe to hold when all the kids came in from other states.

Gather Indoors with Some Unvaccinated People

Got a small group of people that do not qualify for the vaccine yet? It's fine to be around them without masks as long as no one there has an active virus. So load up the car and crash in on your kid and that dumb son-in-law that would not let you around the kids. Make sure to tell him slyly that he could not keep you from your grandbabies. Not any more. Dumb liberal son of a bitch with his "science."

Don't Have to Quarantine if Exposed to the Virus

Did someone in your bible study or that stupid son-in-law come down with COVID-19? Well, don't worry too much. You got a vaccination. You do not have to quarantine or get tested just because someone else got the virus from up there on their high horse. However, if you live in a group scenario (prison from ignoring a restraining order or cult-like barn), you should stay isolated for at least 14 days for the protection of others in your living area.

Don't Be an Asshole About It

Okay, here's where we need to reach some of you. Just because you are suddenly less capable of dying from an easily preventable virus does not mean the rest of us are. So if you do not want to be treated like a teenager having unprotected sex on prom night, please keep a mask on, stay six feet away, and avoid crowds in public, large gatherings, and around people who are unvaccinated and at increased risk. Just imagine you care about other people and are still capable of transmitting the virus, which you should and kinda are.

Stay Away from Crowds

This one is for those in the cheap seats: If you walk into a room and haven't seen five or more people in that room in over a year, leave that fucking room. No large gatherings, vaccinated or not. Don't be an example to stupid people.

Don't Travel

This includes domestic and foreign travel. Guess what? This virus is sneaky and is getting better all the time. Maybe the virus in your little town is not as bad as in your stupid son-in-law's little town. Maybe the virus he's been talking about is worse than what you have been vaccinated against. Now you are a carrier for a virus that may or may not kill everyone you know as you breeze back into Sunday school with baby pictures.

Watch for Symptoms

Feel like beating a dead horse here, but keep on the look out for symptoms of the virus. Just because someone stuck something in your arm does not mean you are safe. You are just safer. Think of being safe like a seat belt on a car. You can drive without one, but if you hit a virus going the wrong way at thirty miles per hour you are gonna fly through and crack your head on the cement and be put on a respirator.

Obey Your Boss

Don't be a dick. That's most of this, just be kind. If you work in a place with COVID rules in place, that's amazing. So few people front facing do and what safety rules they do have is mandated by the profit margin or the visibility of control. If your boss says to wear a mask and not spit on people, then do that. 

Your work, your family, your bible study group, even your dumbass "look at me read a book" son-in-law are part of your community. Until everyone is vaccinated please try and be kind. Be responsible. Wear a fucking mask so we can't see your dirty plague infested mouth.

*Like all other medical information, call your doctor not the library, but whatever, don't be a dick about it.

Hit Me With Your Best Scot (The Wild Wicked Highlanders Book 3)

By Enoch, Suzanne

Buy on Amazon

WandaVision Proves Hurt People Hurt People

Marvel got back into television with a relatively small story with big implications. WandaVision could have been a lot of things (people speculated the whole damn way), but in the end it became a solid superhero story about grief and loss in every good and bad way the genre can offer. 

Wanda dealing with the trauma we have seen throughout her six years is an interesting story, especially for a being who can warp people's minds and the physical matter around her. Where it stumbles is ending with a physical battle and a clever trick that leads to solving deep emotional problems. Wanda has learned and grown, but in the end it does not feel satisfying for her to just walk away from everything she did as an unstoppable magical badass after almost destroying a small town and enslaving its occupants. 

In the end, I love Wanda more as a character, but I am not sure she can be trusted with her powers. I guess we will see more about her development in the new Doctor Strange whenever it comes out.

To the Notes! Beware spoilers for the whole damn season and the MCU as a whole.

Intro to Magic

There's been magic in the MCU since Doctor Strange (maybe even Thor) popped in waving his hands around. But what we have here is real magic. "Change the world not fucking around damn sure not science we do not understand" magic. What happened in the nine episodes was more than floating shit around and telepathic mind tricks. It also was not Strange's "we know kung fu" brand of magic. Agatha gave a motherfucker superpowers, and Wanda rewrote reality (giving another motherfucker superpowers). That's pretty damn wild, even if the rules seemed a bit arbitrary and convenient to the plot. Turns out just writing stuff on walls can take away another witches' powers. Cool for her to say that.

Agatha Harkness

OMG I love Kathryn Hahn in this role. To be honest, the only other roles I remember her from are her solid run in Parks and Rec and the best part of those Bad Moms movies. Is this the comic book character we all know and love? Fuck if I know. Fuck if I care. Hahn dominated this series as a mysterious character and as a magic sucking witch from witch there is no escape. Fuck yeah she killed that dog and she'll kill your ass, too.

Grief and Darkness

The best turns in this show played on Wanda's grief and the darkness that wormed its way into the world around her. Subtle, eerie shades of David Lynch crept in like worms in spaghetti. A normal sitcom world laugh track became a chorus of demented screams inside the heads of viewers as scenes turned in on themselves through Wanda processing her life. Only when Agatha pushes the past on her do we fully see the discomfort Wanda has been feeling, but even then things seem only being processed on the surface. The darkness is still there even when Wanda has processed Vision's death. She gives up him and the kids, but I'm not sure she gave up the dark parts of herself.

Love and Forgiveness

Speaking of Vision, that son of a bitch damn near made me cry. First talking to Wanda in her Avengers room when they fell in love, and then that damn end scene where he says he'll always be a part of her. Bettany and Olsen fit so well together I found it very easy to realize he's a robot and she has enslaved a town and does not seem to feel bad about it.

Messy Neat Ending

Man, I know this is a comic book superhero thing, but maybe there did not have to be a big light in the sky and a punchy fight at the end? Ultimately both Wanda and Vision do have some smarty-pants talking the villain to death-ish moments, but it almost felt like the "de-icing" scene in the first Iron Man. The solutions are clever and in character, but I don't feel satisfied. Sure, Wanda gets a fancy new outfit (that looks amazing), but, and I do not think I have said this enough, she enslaved and tortured a town full of people. They beg her to stop. Dottie begs Wanda to let her hug her child again. Wanda's Hulk "Take it all" moment at the end does not fix this. And is flying not a spell? Because Agatha should have dropped like a stone when those runes went up.

Monica

Monica Rambeau is one of the most exciting characters the MCU has dropped. Sure we met her as a kid in Captain Marvel, but here dealing with the death of her mom she's so much more. Then she gets some poorly defined superpowers and hell yeah I want to see what they do with her. However. Here she is just a champion and overall scapegoat for Wanda's actions. One of her last lines is saying she would have brought her mom back, too. Which, yes, of course that's human nature to mourn for the dead. But she should have followed up with "but I probably would not have enslaved so many people to my will while I was at it."

Evan Peters

Fuckers gonna troll. Disney, you bastards.

Darcy and Woo

They really are just so great. Those damn magic tricks. Flourish!

Darkhold

Same shit from Agents of SHIELD?

Let me know in the comments, on the Contact Page, or at contact@bannedlibrary.com what you thought about the episode or if you have any thoughts on the damn Darkhold.

Marvel WandaVision Scarlet Witch & Vision Retro 50s T-Shirt

Marvel

How to Reach Inbox Zero

For some, Inbox Zero lies just behind searching for the Ark of the Covenant and finding the Loch Ness monster. Inbox Zero is the concept that you have zero, zip, zilch, no emails in your inbox. Well, as your helpful librarian I have a system to teach you how to reach and maintain Inbox Zero if that is your goal.

Create Folders

The first thing I want you to do is make three folders. They should be named "Do Me Now, Do Me Later, and For Your Information." You can name your folders whatever sexual metaphor that's work appropriate for you, but make sure they approximately mean "Important today," "Important this week," and "Important to know."

Organize Good Shit

The next two steps will be the biggest undertaking of your life. Go through your email inbox. Think of your plain "Inbox" like a mailbox outside your house. If there's more than one page of Inbox, then that shit is full. So move every email you must answer today into "Do Me Now." Move every email you plan to answer this week into "Do Me Later." Anything with useful information should be moved into "For Your Information." Be careful with the brain belief of "useful information." Make this stuff that's need to know within your life, not the life you wish you had.

Delete Bad Shit

If something does not fit into one of the three folders, delete that shit. All the ads, follow-up emails, reminders of overdue library books, and letters from princes from other countries get deleted. Honestly, you can cut your Inbox in half by searching "Netflix" and "Dominos" and deleting all those. The only caveat I hold is receipts. Instead of deleting those emails, I archive them just in case I need to yell at someone.

Find a Routine

Now you should have the fabled Inbox Zero. To maintain this, get some routines, rituals, daily dealings going. At some point during the day, look at your inbox and organize that shit.

Here's my routine: I start with my Inbox. I open each email, scan through them, and move them into the appropriate folder or delete them. If there's a particularly unwelcome email, I click it to spam or I unsubscribe from the company with maximum ferocity. Then I go to my "For Your Information" folder. I scan through all of them, from the bottom to the top. This makes me aware of what I might need to know and clear out stuff that I have either memorized or do not need anymore. Sharon's birthday party only mattered when it was going to happen, not after, so add it to your calendar for next year and delete the email. Then move to the "Do Me Later" folder. Again, scan each one bottom to top and see if there's anything in there that must be done today and move it to the "Do Me Now" folder. When that's all done, start working on the emails in the "Do Me Now" folder. Get that shit done like a to do list, one at a time and with extreme prejudice.

Does this sound like a lot of work? Maybe, but just for the first week or so. Think of it like a garden that's gone to shit. Sure, it will take a while to cut things back and figure out how fast the grass grows, but sooner or later you just have to mow on schedule and things work out fine.

Do you have a plan for Inbox Zero? Have you tried out something like this? What's your favorite color for late night summoning?

Let me know in the comments or at contact@bannedlibrary.com for all your library questions.

How to Check Your Email

Everyone needs to check their email if you live in the 21st century. You might need to pay an electric bill or send a crazy conspiracy message to your grandchildren. Despite this need of the modern person, many are unsure how to perform this task. Read the following instructions to check your email like a professional email person in the emailroom of big businesses like Amazon and Wal-mart without asking a person born post-2000, regardless of their obligation to you as a family member (although it would be a whole lot cooler if you did*).

Find a computer

One of the hardest things to learn about email is that it exists as a digital nothingness. There's no physical envelope to cut open. There's no postage to save like a silly person. There's not even paper. To find a computer in the pandemic, maybe ask your family or friends or see if there's a computer browser on your smartphone.

Honestly, before we even begin, have three things: some way to access the internet, your email address, and your password. 

Open a computer browser

The big three computer browsers (so named because they are used to "browse" the internet like a drunken dad at a Chuck E Cheese buffet) are Chrome, Mozilla, and whatever Microsoft is pushing these days**. The most used browser is Chrome, so use that. It looks like a circle with green, red, and yellow around a blue dot. Mostly if the thing that opens up is advertising something, you probably got close.

Type the domain

At the top of the browser, type the name of your email (also called a "domain")***. You will recognize the domain because it is at the end of your email behind the @ symbol. For example, "contact@bannedlibrary.com" is the library's email address, and "bannedlibrary.com" is the domain. Your email address domain will probably be one of the following: gmail.com, hotmail.com, outlook.com, or mail.com. 

Find "Login"

Once the computer browser does its thing, you should be taken to the website of the domain. If you are taken to an all-white screen with a list of shit on it, that's Google. Click something that looks like what you tried to type. On this screen, look for the word "Login." Click on that word. Only that word.

Type your email address

You may be taken to a new screen asking for your email address. Click on the line where it wants you to type your email address. Type your email address. Make the @ symbol by holding down the"shift" key and typing "2."**** Make sure there are no spaces. If there is no line for a password, click whatever button you see that says something like "continue*****."

Type your password

Click the empty space provided for the password, and type your password. If you do not remember your password, we will be providing you with instructions soon to reset your password. Maybe you wrote it down? Look around at the stuff in your pockets. Either way, nobody but you and the company whom you email with knows or cares about your password. The librarian did not do shit with it. 

Anyway, after typing your password, click whatever button you see that says something like "continue*****."

Enjoy your email!

If you now see a list of even more advertisements, congratulations! That's your email. Now read through each one and if it feels like it's selling something it is! Even the emails you need will read that way, except maybe important ones. Those will be sent to your "Spam" folder, so check that, too.

* If you get stumped at any point, just go find a young person and try not to get angry or cry while asking them for help. 

** Microsoft had the first big browser with Internet Explorer and now uses Edge, but they both suck so hard they could pull a golf ball through a garden hose.

***For everyone saying, "well that's not really called a domain," shut the fuck up and teach your own grandma the Internet.

****Let go of both buttons before you keep typing.

***** ANY word that maybe resembles continue. Go, Yes, Forward, Make It So, Click Here You Dumb Bastard******.

****** Fun fact, the original line from Casablanca was "Play it again, you dumb bastard." No fooling.

What Happens When You Don't Return Library Books

Everyone, even librarians, have library fines. Even if you have never used a library card a fine has been added to your soul in terms of your humanity. The items in the library, the value of them, are counted as a piece of civilization. What can that be worth if those items are not returned? Here are the steps if a library book is never returned.

Charged a Fine

Right out the gate, you are charged a fine. A flat fee of ten cents a day. There is a cap of five dollars per item so do not worry about breaking the bank.

Charged for Cost

After three months, however, an item must be replaced. A fair market value of a replacement will be assessed and charged to the patron. A small fee of five dollars is added to cover the cost of processing the lost item record and the new item. This fee is struck if the item is returned intact and the fine reverts to the five dollar amount. Replacements cannot be substituted.

Charged for Time

Should an item never be returned and the cost of the item never paid, the library gods will assess the amount of time lost by the item from the community. This time will be deducted from the offending patron's life.

Charged to Cross

Some men pass before their time. The library gods await at the River Libros to collect from those unable to give the community's time back to them. They will render from those souls a payment of half before allowing the patron to cross into the Fields of the Never Return. Those partial souls will understand no great joy or knowledge of the universe as they wander those fields without ceasing until the gods turn the planes of existence cold.

Charged to Enter

Once the beauty of existence ends, the Fence of Phobos will be revealed around the Fields of Never Return. That fence will have a gate creak open to welcome those wandering souls. Those partial souls will be harvested, their heat gathered to power a new universe of infinite light and sound so that the full souls will be able to live once again. 

Made His Toes Curl

"I don't understand. Where did the money come from?" the children's librarian said. 

     The reference librarian leaned back and nodded to the circulation librarian out working the curbside table. "Her."

     "She's barely been here two weeks. Has she even met with the director?"

     "Well, not her exactly. Seems our previous circulation staff budget was embellished by the tenure of our old coworker."

     "She costs less so we get a new page."

     "Bingo," the reference librarian said.

     The children's librarian pushed back a lock of golden hair from her forehead. "Has anyone told Freddy?"

     Before the reference librarian could respond, the circulation librarian called out to them. They rose and went outside.

     "I'm so glad to meet you both," a woman said from across the curbside table. Older with a yellow baseball cap and a matching mask. "My daddy loved you both so much. Talked about you all the time. He passed away yesterday in his sleep."

     The librarians introduced themselves. The children's librarian took the lead, saying, "I'm so sorry, but who was your father?"

     "You must think me silly. Sheila Anchor. My daddy was Ansel Anchor."

     "I'm sorry to hear about your loss," the children's librarian said. "Seems so sudden. He was just here this weekend."

     "That art class made his toes curl. He talked about framing that picture he drew. We couldn't find it, though. Is it still here?" Sheila said.

     The reference librarian said, "It could be in the meeting room. The art teacher left her supplies and things."

     A severe looking man with gray hairs and no mask on his face said, "Excuse me. Don't mean to break up the memorial service, but I need some damn books."

     The circulation librarian waved to him. They began talking at the other end of the table.

     The children's librarian said, "We can go check."

     The reference librarian hesitated, but she took his arm. They went inside. As they crossed to the meeting room, he said, "Shouldn't someone stay out there with Julie?"

     "You wanna see what they painted in there?"

     "Fair enough."

     "Seems odd him dying like that."

     "Old man dies in his sleep. Not that odd. Pleasant, really," the reference librarian said unlocking the meeting room door.

     She said, "How will we know which is his?"

    "Check for the signature 'Old Cranky Bastard' down at the bottom."

    Except the meeting room was empty. No art supplies. No canvases. No paints. No easels. Nothing in the small kitchen either.

     The reference librarian said, "Maybe she took it out the fire door?"

     "Without a key? We would have heard the alarm," the children's librarian said.

     Back at the table, they explained the art teacher must have the paintings and again offered their condolences. Sheila Anchor left, thanking them for treating her father so well during his last days. They promised to talk to the art teacher and put them in touch.

     At the other end of the table, the maskless man said, "I don't have to. I been vaccinated so just give me my damn books."

     "I still need your card number, sir. Or your name," the circulation librarian said.

     The man stuck his finger in the librarian's face. "I'm gonna get you." His finger drifted to each of them. "All of you. I been vaccinated."

     Then he left. The librarians were speechless.

Don't Lock the Meeting Room

The reference librarian let the art teacher into the library at ten on saturday. Old Man Anchor was dead twenty-four hours later.

     "My Christopher, you look good enough to eat," the art teacher told the reference librarian.

     The reference librarian said, "Well, thank you. I might give you indigestion, though."

     The children's librarian felt her blood run cold. She said, "I thought your class started at noon?"

     They stood by the table for curbside pickup. A light morning rain pitter pattered down. Breaks in the clouds showed signs of sunshine coming later in the day.

     The art teacher flashed her teeth. "I thought I would prepare. Some of my students are known to come early."

     The reference librarian let her into the library. The children's librarian watched them walk into the dark building. Her arm was linked to his, and they laughed like old friends.

     Around eleven, a couple came to the curbside table. The children's librarian greeted them and thanked them for wearing the black masks over their noses and mouths. They had the same dark hair and color-catching gray eyes of the art teacher. The man had on a brown hoodie that gave his eyes tan flecks while the woman's blue wrap over a white dress lit her face up. They walked past her. The reference librarian led them to the meeting room.

     At eleven forty-five, Old Man Anchor came to the library. The sun had come out, just a few dark clouds in the sky dropping heavy rain drops. He said, "Damn old devil is beating his wife today."

     "Excuse me?" the children's librarian said.

     "The devil beating his wife."

     "I guess I don't know the devil was married."

     The old man grimaced. "I'm here for the art class."

     "Us, too," said a young woman. Two of them, each holding big sketch pads under their arms with sorority ribbons in their hair.

     "Well, then I guess we should let you in," the children's librarian said with an uneasy smile.

     The reference librarian went to lead them back, but the children's librarian waved him off. When they got to the meeting room, the door was locked. Before she could get her key, the door opened.

     "Well, Mr. Anchor. Look at you. Little rain on you, I see," the art teacher said from the dark meeting room. She stepped into the light. She wore a dark red robe that draped around her shoulders.

     "Miss Karryn," the old man said, wiping at the water on his shoulders. "Devil's beating his wife out there."

     The art teacher took him by the arm. "My daddy used to say that about sunshowers. 'Karryn, baby, when a day is so pretty the devil just has to take it out on someone and make it rain.'"

     Old Man Anchor smiled and let himself be led into the meeting room. The college girls followed. The children's librarian started to follow, but the art teacher came back and blocked her way.

     "Sorry, but I'm always a bit shy when I model for students. Do you mind if we have privacy?" the art teacher said. She pulled her robe up on her shoulder.

     "Model?" the children's librarian said.

     "The human form. Once you understand that, you can make art from just about anything."

     "Nude modeling?"

     "Well, modest."

     "Nude modeling in the library?"

      The art teacher gave a smile. Then she closed the door.

     The children's librarian told the door, "Please don't lock the door. Fire codes."

     Back at curbside, the children's librarian told the reference librarian, "She's doing nude modeling back there. Told her not to lock the door."

     "Because of the fire codes," the reference librarian said.

     "Yeah."

     "The director did approve the program."

     "He did," the children's librarian said.

     After lunch until about two, with the sun out and the puddles evaporating in lazy mist, people came to get their holds. Young and old, singles and families. The librarians were busy. So busy they did not hear the sudden screams die down to moans in the meeting room.

     Around three, the clouds came back. The two college girls and the old man left first. They walked slow and silent from the building, pale and dazed. The couple came next, smiling and hugging one another. They waved and told the reference librarian they would love to have him at the next meeting.

     The art teacher left last. She nodded to the children's librarian and whispered something to the reference librarian.

     "What did she say?" the children's librarian said.

     "The reference librarian said, "That she looked forward to next month. Thanks for letting her use the library."

     The children's librarian believed he was lying.

Forgot How to be Tender

"So you can have a damn art class while I can't come in and check on the Wall Street Journal?" Old man Anchor said. 

     The children's librarian held a hand over her eyes to block the rays of the sunset behind the old man. "The art class is a special program from outside the library."

     "Where's the Journal come from? Huh? Y'all print it out back?"

     "As we told you last week, we put a hold on all print subscriptions when we closed."

     "Closed." Anchor spat a thick glob in the bushes by the curbside table. "I pay your salary with my taxes. You ain't serving shit. Just standing behind this table with your books."

     "Would you like to check out a book? Or I can tell you how to access the Wall Street Journal online?" the children's librarian said.

     "Ain't got no online. You think I can pay for a computer after they take out all those taxes and pay for nothing you give me?"

     The children's librarian summoned visions of children. Squeals of books at curbside. Little faces staring out from a computer screen. Small masks on little faces over bright eyes while being read to on the library lawn over the summer. As the sun dipped below the horizon, she could see the old man more clear.

     "Where is your mask, Mr. Anchor?" The children's librarian said.

     He spat again. "I got that shot. Been vaccinated."

     "I still need you to wear a mask for us at the table. Sorry, sir."

     "Oh, sure. Useless. I hope they close this whole place down. Never did nothing for me," the old man said.

     "You have been vaccinated?" a woman said.

     The old man and the children's librarian turned to find a woman standing near the table. The art teacher stood in dark maroon. She wore a shawl over her black hair and a mask over her nose and mouth. She had wrapped her body in deep red folds. The children's librarian found herself staring at the grey of the woman's eyes, how they picked up the red and turned them a warm purple.

     "Who're you?" the old man said.

     "Mr. Anchor, this is the art teacher. Karryn…" The children's librarian paused, not knowing the art teacher's last name.

     The art teacher did not give it. She only reached out a hand with long manicured nails. "Charmed, Mr. Anchor."

     The old man's face screwed up. But he took her hand in a light grip. The children's librarian thought he would bend down to kiss it. His shoulders slumped and his face relaxed into a gentle smile. The librarian wondered how long it had been that someone had touched him.

     "Nice to meet you," he said in a low tone. Face to face, the world seemed to melt away. The children's librarian wanted to leave feeling like something intimate was going on.

     "So you have been vaccinated?" the art teacher said.

    "Second shot later today," he said.

     "So healthy and strong. Smart, too, reading the Wall Street Journal," she said.

     The old man shook his head. "No, no. Just keeping an eye on my stocks."

     "Preparing for the future. Clever, too. There's a few like you in my art class. Maybe you would like to join us?"

     "Ain't good at drawing. No supplies either, miss."

     The art teacher put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure I have some to spare. I promise you, it will be rejuvenating."

     "Okay," the old man said. He nodded like a child while smiling.

     "Remember to wear a mask because we shall be inside, Mr. Anchor," the art teacher said.

     "Yes, ma'am."

     "See you Saturday, then."

     The old man backed away from the table. Smiling and nodding. "See you then, ma'am." He paid no attention to the children's librarian as he left.

     The art teacher took a small bottle of hand sanitizer from the table and rubbed her hands together slowly. The children's librarian felt the woman's gaze, those purple eyes, on her. An alarm went off in the back of her mind.

     "Thanks," the children's librarian said, looking away.

     The art teacher said, "Men are just boys who forgot how to be tender. I have no doubt I'll see him again. Now, I have some supplies I would like to drop off. Do you mind if I bring them in?"

     "Of course," the children's librarian said and moved the table aside.

Red Sky in Morning

The circulation librarian did not like the look of the art teacher named Karryn. Nothing in particular stood out as art teacher's went. Cute black dress with some necklaces and bracelets that drew the eye and made little tinny sounds. Cute black hair cut in a bob that landed just below her ears where simple silver loops hung. Cute pea coat and cute strappy shoes and a cute tote bag that said "Where my art bitches at?"

     When Karryn the art teacher smiled, though, it felt too inviting.

     Karryn flashed that smile and said, "Can I see the space today or should I come back?"

     The circulation librarian said, "I'm sorry, but we're a little short handed. I'm the only one working curbside right now."

     "Oh, I hate to impose on you essential workers," Karryn said. She ran a hand along the table, her long unpolished nails skipping over it's uneven surface. "Are y'all always this busy?"

     There had been six appointments all morning. As they set up the table, the sky had been red under the dark clouds. The reference librarian had said, "Red sky in morning, a sailor takes warning." Then he had gone off to take in the delivery and installation of the new book drop and left her alone. Noises from that side of the building had been happening all morning as the workers tried to beat the rain.

     "We have our spurts. Always when we turn our backs, that's when people come," the circulation librarian said.

     Karryn said, "Like a cat. Ignore it, and it will lay on you all day long."

     "I suppose so. I should have another person here in a few hours," the circulation librarian said, thinking of when the page was coming in to work or when the children's librarian was done with her virtual story time.

     "I knew the old circulation librarian, you know," Karryn said.

     The circulation librarian said, "Oh?"

     "Yes. We went way back. I hated to hear about what happened."

     The circulation librarian had asked and heard the woman had died of natural causes. In her sleep. Just after retiring. She smiled, "I've heard rumors, but never met her."

     "Brenda was," Karryn smiled that inviting smile, "deliciously attentive. She knew the best books to drive me wild."

     "I hope I can help you get what you need," the circulation librarian said. She found herself drawn in by the woman.

     "You might just lure me away from the second branch," Karryn said.

     The circulation librarian leaned closer. Seeing Karryn's eyes for the first time, a subtle shade of gray with hints of violet. Lovely over that smile that said interesting things would happen if you just got a little closer.

     "The book drop is ready," the reference librarian said from the doorway.

     The spell was broken. The circulation librarian stepped back. 

     "Sorry to interrupt," the reference librarian said.

     "Chris, this is Karryn from the art class. She's here to see the meeting room," the circulation librarian said.

     Karryn said, "I thought I would come down and introduce myself. See the space I'll be working with."

     "Sure. Julie, do you want to get a break from curbside?" the reference librarian asked the circulation librarian.

     "No," the circulation librarian said. She did not want to be alone with this woman in the dark meeting room.

     "Okay. If you want to come around the table, I'll show you the meeting room," the reference librarian said to the art teacher.

     "Thank you very much. I can't wait to see what you have," Karryn said following the reference librarian into the building. 

     The circulation librarian wondered if it was a good idea to leave the reference librarian alone in the dark with the art teacher.

To Mend Fences

The reference librarian made coffee. He sat alone in the conference room and smelled the coffee. He wondered if it was strong enough. He wondered if he should have poisoned it.

     The circulation librarian came into the conference room. She sat beside him in one of the large comfy chairs. The board of directors, when they were still meeting here, had requested the best. She said, "So what's he like?"

     "Who?" the reference librarian said.

     "The second branch librarian."

     The reference librarian looked around. Seeing no one, he said, "Creepy bastard. I mean, we all got our things, but he's been out there too long. Gotten into some things in the county that should not-"

     "Hello," said the children's librarian as she breezed into the room and sat across from them. "We talking about Mr. Creepy from the land out yonder?"

     "Lower your voice," the reference librarian said.

     The children's librarian stuck out her tongue. "He's strange, but he's still a librarian."

     "That alone should scare you," the reference librarian said.

     "Is the director coming?" the circulation librarian said.

     The technical services librarian said from the door, "He is in his office on a call. He said we should handle it." She limped around the table and took a seat next to the children's librarian.

     "Would you like some coffee, Miriam?"the reference librarian said.

     "Did you poison it?" said the tech serv librarian with a small smile.

     The circulation librarian said, "I can't tell if y'all are joking anymore."

     "Ask your predecessor," said the tech serv librarian.

     Before the circulation librarian could ask what that meant, a small tapping came from the door. They turned and found the second branch librarian standing in the doorway. Small, wrapped in dark cloth and the smell of sage, the second branch librarian smiled.

     "It has been too long since we have met," he said, his voice high and full of teeth.

     "Coffee, Jacob?" said the reference librarian. 

     The second branch librarian took the seat at the far end of the table. He folded in on himself becoming a lump of coal and eyes looking out at them. When he spoke, his teeth shinded. "No, thank you, Christopher."

     "Well, I am, dammit." The reference librarian rose and poured a cup.

     The second branch librarian spoke: "I have little time. I am aware some of my patrons from the county vandalized the city book drop. This is unacceptable, and I wish to make amends and offer my apologies. I propose an outreach project of sorts to mend fences."

     "What kind of project?" the circulation librarian asked.

     "An art class from the local co-op needs a space. Free instruction to the public. After hours, so it can be contained. They will pay more than enough to use the space to fix the book drop."

     "We can't let people in to use the library," the children's librarian said.

     "We can if we invite them to use the space. If we use responsible practices, six feet, masks, etc. If you want the money for your book drop, this is the only way."

     "We could take money from the second branch budget," the reference librarian said.

     The second branch librarian flashed his teeth. "I have already spoken to the director and the art class. They find this acceptable. Once a month, the weekend after the full moon."

     "That's this weekend," said the children's librarian.

     The circulation librarian leaned forward. "Did the Nguyen family go to this art class?"

     "The sweet Nguyen family has enjoyed many of the second branch's programs," the second branch librarian said.

     "What do you think, Mirim?" the reference librarian said.

     The tech services librarian said, "None of my business. I don't do programming."

     The reference librarian turned to the children's librarian. "Jamie?"

     "We need a book drop. I say we do it," the children's librarian said.

     The second branch librarian rose. "The art class and their teacher will be in contact."

     "We didn't decide," the reference librarian said.

     The second branch librarian rose and walked to the door. "It was decided before I even came. As I said, I talked to the director. Good day to you all. We should meet again soon." He left with a small tapping.

A Green Light Means Drop

The reference librarian told the children's librarian, "Okay, here's what we do: You go first, get the door open wide. I'll push this bin out fast as I can behind you, so get out the way. I'm gonna hit the curb hard and might bounce a bit. Don't let that worry you."

     "You don't want to use the ramp?" The children's librarian said.

     The reference librarian shook his head. "If I make the turn, go down a few feet, then have to turn again? Seconds lost. People could be out there waiting to get in. Asking when we open, when they can donate old shit nobody cares about. No masks. The bastards."

     "Should I come behind you with a cart? Catch anything that falls?"

     "And have two of us out there at the same time? Are you mad?"

     "I didn't used to think so."

     "Jamie, we must do this fast. Changing the book drop bin is nothing to laugh at."

     "I'm not laughing. Every day seems the same. Same patrons, same curbside, same you and same me. Nothing ever changes. Even online programs. I don't know whether the wheels on the bus are going round and round or coming or going," the children's librarian said. A single tear rolled down her cheek.

    The reference librarian wanted to comfort her, but in the times of plague there is no touch. Words mean little. Action, though. He knew action. "Hey," he said. "Let's get these bins swapped out. How about it?" 

     The children's librarian's eyes crinkled and her head nodded. A smile somewhere under that Miss Frizzle mask came through. Focus and duty, the reference librarian thought, can bring us through.

     They got into places. The children's librarian stood by the door, her hand on the bar ready to push. The reference librarian stood with hands on a yellow bin. He gave it an experimental shove and enjoyed the way the wheels glided. Well oiled wheels.

     "Go," he said.

     The children's librarian shoved open the door with a heavy metal clang and ran around it. Halfway, though, with a hand on the door, she stopped. A green light shone around her. In the door frame against the overcast sky, she became a shadow in the sick flickering glow of whatever she was gazing at outside in the parking lot.

     The reference librarian stopped himself from pushing the bin into her. "What's wrong?" he said.

     "Oh, Chris," she said.

     He got the bin out of the way and stood beside her in the doorway. The book drop was ablaze in dark green fire. Black in the center where the bright white should be and flickering forest colored light to a smokeless sky. 

     Beyond the book drop, out in the parking lot, came the mirthless laughter of children. "The Nguyen family," the children's librarian said. 

     "Who?" the reference librarian said.

     "They went to the second branch and came back."

     "I'll make a call," the reference librarian said.

Often They Come Back

The circulation librarian stepped into the children's department. She was new and did not take shit, but she still felt at odds just walking into another librarian's area. She said, "Knock knock."

     The children's librarian looked up, "Julie, how nice. What can I do for you?"

     "So I'm on curbside, and there's some people who need help. But they only want to talk to you."

     "Oh, how great. Did they give a name?" The children's librarian began going through piles of books beside her desk. She had been working hard making bags for her regular children she knew would appreciate them.

     "The Nguyen family?" The circulation librarian said.

     The children's librarian froze. "Are you sure?"

     "That's what they said."

     The children's librarian picked up the phone and dialed an extension. She said, "Chris, they came back…. The Nguyen family… The ones we sent to the second branch… Well, no, but Julie said they asked for me… I guess they can still talk... Can you come with me to see… Fine, then. Me and Julie. Enjoy your webinar." She set the phone in its cradle with more force than intended.

     "We have a second branch?" the circulation librarian asked.

     "Yes," the children's librarian said as she stood.

    They walked to the front door. The sun had hidden behind thick dark clouds. Through the glass, shadows could be seen looming over the curbside tables. Three little shadows and a dark brooding lump of an adult. 

     "Where there had been light now lived darkness," the children's librarian said.

     "What?" the circulation librarian said.

     "Nothing. Something my mom always said." The children's librarian squared her shoulders and lit up her face with a kind smile. She crafted her thoughts of joy and helpful wonder. She hoped as she opened the door. "The Nguyen family!"

     "Can you come play with us, Miss Jamie?" the children said as one.

     The mother Nguyen said, "The librarians at the second branch played with them. You should play with them, too."

     "Oh, I'm sorry, but we can only do curbside here. I can probably find some books for you, though if you remind me of your library card numbers…"

     Three sets of little hands lay flat on the table. "Play with us, Miss Jamie."

     The circulation librarian stepped forward. She had picked up a spray bottle at some point. A fine mist came from the end of the spout and onto the table. Onto the little hands. The children hissed and hid behind their mother. 

     "My babies," Mother Nguyen said.

     "I'm sorry. We have to clean the tables. Is there anything library related we can help you with?" the circulation librarian said.

     "We will go to the second branch," Mother Nguyen said and led her children away.

     The children's librarian said, "What's in that bottle, Julie?"

     "My mama said some things to me, too," said the circulation librarian as she wiped at the table.

The Circulation Librarian Strikes Back

"And another thing, if you think you can tell me what I can and cannot check out, then you can go right to hell in a hand basket that says 'I'm the worst person who ever did things' on a ribbon tied around it," the patron in the yellow hat told the circulation librarian.

     The circulation librarian stared ahead. She was new at her job. The reference librarian and the children's librarian watched her from a window. She continued to stare ahead, swaying side to side, her eyes looking past the curbside table. 

     The patron in the yellow hat said, "Did you hear me?"

     The swaying stopped. The circulation librarian said, "Oh my, I'm sorry. I seem to have drifted away just now."

     The patron in the yellow hat took her turn to stare. She said, "What?"

     The librarian waved a hand. "Oh, the way you talked. Just lulled me off. I was thinking about this little dog my mother had who would yip and snap and snarl at nothing at all. Poor little thing. Got run over by a bus."

     "I need to check out the encyclopedia," the patron in the yellow hat said.

     "Oh, we threw that old thing away," the circulation librarian said.

     "Why would you do that?"

     "Because they don't publish it anymore. But you can go online."

     "My taxes fund this library, and I need the encyclopedia."

     "Would you like a refund?" the circulation librarian said.

     The patron in the yellow hat paused. "Yes?"

     "One moment."

     The circulation librarian turned and walked inside the library. The reference librarian and the children's librarian stood near the window, stunned. She asked them, "Sorry, still new in town. Which way is the tax assessor's office?"
    "Next to City Hall on Main Street," the reference librarian said.

     "And the highway from there?"

     "Down Main, turn on Second and keep going until the intersection."

     "Thank you, Chris," the circulation librarian said and turned back to the patron outside.

     "Welcome, Julie," said the reference librarian.

     "Well, are you gonna get me my refund?" the patron said.

     "First, you can go to the tax assessor's office and file your grievance with them. They are next to City Hall on Main Street," the circulation librarian said. 

     "I know where they are. I pay my boat-"

     The circulation librarian talked over her, "And when they have laughed you out on your ass, keep going down Main Street, turn on Second Avenue, and follow it to the highway. Once on the highway, follow it straight to hell. I'm sure the devil is missing his dumbest flunky right about now."

     The patron was stunned. The circulation librarian smiled, turned, and went inside. The reference and the children's librarian high-fived.

Staff Picks: Dark Winter Overlord Edition

Now that the world is in the full grip of winter, you must choose a demonic or otherworldly overlord for which to serve. Do you want fire to warm your home or animal servants to bring you food? What are you willing to give up, blood for blood or do you have a spare virgin lying around? The staff of the library is here to help you make these easy decisions.

Karryn the Vampire Queen - Brenda from Circulation

Overview

Karryn's pretty cool overall. She's immortal, loves to laugh, and makes the best bloody mary's. If you need someone to call up and hang with, there's no beating this dark overlord. Plus, she's a voracious reader. If you let her in, she will satisfy all your needs on those lonely nights.

Cost

Couple pints of blood once or twice a week

Pros

Good drinks and good times

Cons

Little woozy after hangs, and she mmay tell the same stories over and over

The Tome of Ancient Sorrows - Chris from Reference 

Overview

The only reference book you will ever need. It's big and heavy, easily capable of bringing a grown man to his knees with one overhead blow, yet light enough that it can be carried around by any library staff. Just one look in these pages will show you secrets that will melt your brain.

Cost

A melted brain.

Pros

Unlimited knowledge and awesome potential for destruction

Cons

Reading too often can lead to cackling insanity and ooze in ears

Sheila the Book Cart - Freddy the Page

Overview

Built in Detroit in 1956, this book cart has survived to today on wheels of evil and shelves of determination. Giving your soul over to this cart means never having to say "I can't carry that." Sheila will bring light unto your heart and death unto your enemies.

Cost

One Soul

Pros

Great carry capacity, space age design

Cons

May lose passion for all things

Marquis the Butterfly King - Jamie from Children's

Overview

Once a small butterfly, Marquis slaughtered fields of enemies and stomped six bloody boot prints onto the souls of the dead. With his coal and fire inlaid wings he carries the souls of the undying to their places of torment. Hear his forlorn wail and tremble.

Cost

One gumdrop

Pros

Never fear when you know true death

Cons

May destroy you

A Novel Tea

"Look, it's one guy or the other. They both scream a lot," the circulation librarian said sipping her tea.

     "One's a black guy and one's Asian, Brenda," said the reference librarian.

     "They're both Fast and the Furious B-Team," the circulation librarian said leaning back in her chair. They had been debating movies for their entire lunch period. Neither really cared about any of the movies they were talking about. "Nobody cares about them in the end. It's all about that bald guy and that really big bald guy."

     "Yeah, but the really big bald guy is now off fighting with the little British bald guy."

     "That don't make it better, Chris."

     The page came in the break room. He set the electric kettle on and sat across the room from the librarians. The reference librarian said hello while the circulation librarian ignored the boy, saying, "That don't make it better at all."

     "Why? Because the movie doesn't have the one you like?" the reference librarian said.

     The circulation librarian sighed. "Because it's about the family. The whole group. It's like if one of the Lethal Weapon's go off and gung fu fight."

     "There's so much wrong with that statement," the reference librarian said. 

     The kettle began a low whistle. The page stood up and pulled out a tea bag from his pocket. He began looking for a cup in the cupboard above the sink. He pulled down a yellow cup.

     The circulation librarian stood. She walked over to the sink and took the cup from his hand.

     "That's the director's," she said. "I don't think he'd be happy you taking his cup."

     "Sorry, Brenda," the page said.

     "You can use mine, Freddy. Blue one that says you can't beat a good book," the reference librarian said.

     "Thanks," the page said and found the cup. He poured the water and dunked the bag. A warm citrus flavor filled the air.

     The circulation librarian said, "What kind of tea is that, anyway?" 

     The page shrugged, saying, "My mom gave it to me."

     The circulation librarian said, "You're mommy sent you to work with tea, huh? Smells good. Let me taste it."

     "Brenda, leave the kid alone," the reference librarian said.

     The circulation librarian said, "Freddy don't mind me having a little. He knows I like tea."

     Freddy put the cup on the counter. "I know."

     She laughed and picked up the cup. Raised it to her lip and took a sip. "Pretty tasty. I should make you make me a cup."

     The page said, "That's what you do, Brenda. You push too much."

     "Wha-" the circulation librarian said, then she coughed. Blood spurted from her mouth. More coughing. More blood. She fell, her body shaking. 

     The reference librarian jumped to his feet. He crossed to her, held her shoulders shouting her name. Then he looked at the page. "What did you do?"

     The page said, "Pushed back."