It's that time of year where all the important or lucky librarians get sent off to the American Library Association's Annual Conference. The rest of us get left behind. Gotta do something, so why not go to the movies?
Some people go to get drunk and go to church, which is fun until nobody enjoys your rendition of "Inna Gadda Da Vida" during hymn time.
"We're singing Old Rugged Cross," the preacher said singling out someone who looks like me.
"I'm here to rock. Hymn Time!" that beautiful bastard yelled back.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
When it comes to ideas for dinosaur movies, the oxygen-rich sky is the limit. Why not have a volcano explode simulating the last time they were wiped from the earth like a good old fashioned disaster film? Or a political thriller where secret rich people and terrorists buy and trade dinosaurs as commodities? Or a gothic horror where a stealthy and smart dinosaur stalks a little girl through a mansion? Or a quiet murder mystery and meditation on the consequences of creating cloned beings, not just dinosaurs but people as well?
Or all of that shit, just all of it in one giant stupid movie.
The creators of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom went with the latter. Turns out, the old guy from the first movie who built the original park had a partner. They had a falling out. Now the original island is 'sploding, the government doesn't care, so we get the gang back from the last movie to bring them all home to the big mansion. Of course, everything goes wrong because rich people are crazy. Then all of the scenarios above happen one right after another.
I have no idea what this movie was "About," capital A. Dangers of genetic tampering? I guess. Environmental protection and humanities place in the planetary ecosystem? Sure? Let's see some dinosaurs fuck up a mansion? That's in there. They sure liked having Jeff Goldblum give a speech and do nothing.
On a scale of fun to you should be high with friends, I give this a giant feck off. If you want all these themes explored with more deliberation and with better writing, watch the newest Planet of the Apes movies instead.
Incredibles 2: Fallen Kingdomer
It's been fourteen years since the first time the family of fun computer generated themselves into our hearts. I know that because of the baffling introduction made by the actors in the movie telling me. Samuel Jackson, Holly Hunter, and Craig T Nelson stare you down and say "Hey, we had a lot of fun and you will, too. Trust us."
I do not trust them. They all have more money than me and the company making this has spent millions making sure this is not crap. This intro did the opposite, lowering my expectations for a movie I was only sorta interested in to begin with. The first one was good, but it is Pixar. I kinda expect it to be.
The Incredibles are back and doing the same shit they did last time. Instead of fulfilling the promise of the first movie and fighting as a family, they separate immediately and crap the bed fighting the Mole Man clone. Another rich guy comes in and says "Hey, be super again," but this time he's talking to the mom.
Whaaaaa? I know.
Dad has to learn to exist with the kids while Mom has a shitload of fun talking out the side of her mouth because that's what the actress does. Sorry, but that distracted the hell out of me.
It sounds like I did not like this movie. I had a good time. It's fun and bright, bouncing around with an almost joy that our Infinity Wars kinda lack as they start to take themselves too seriously. The powers are used with creativity and style. Several of the set pieces and fights are brilliant and dazzling, including Elastic Girl's stealth scene and the train chase.
I just realized we're seeing a lot of train chases. First Solo, now this. Huh.
This is a good family movie that really does not have much to say, though. The most I laughed was the baby Vs racoon, but that's either because it is contained and could have been a fun short film or because of what happened when I was a baby.
When fighting a racoon, fire is your friend.
Won't You Be My Neighbor: Fallener Kingdom
At the end of this movie, several grown ass adults stare into the camera for a minute and are asked to think about someone who helped them. Then they say who they were thinking about.
I thought about my mom. I teared up.
Thank you, Mr. Rogers. They spent an hour and a half digging in to your life and the worst they could come up with was you cared too much.
This movie should have come with promotional facial tissues.