How to do Library Curbside During a Pandemic

Way back in March, the year of our Dorl 2020, we were so innocent. Not so much in October. As librarians we pivoted. We rose above. We kept helping people get the best, most current information and entertainment we could provide.

Some of them wanted physical books and shit, though. No online for them either for socioeconomic reasons or just being stubborn bastards. So we curbsided. 

Here are the best practices for doing curbside service we have learned.

Close the goddamn building

The best way to operate for the safety of staff and patrons during a pandemic is to have no contact between either. To be fair, this is also the best way to operate not in a pandemic, but hey, fish drink water. What are you gonna do? Not let them in the building. Stop that. I know you built a beautiful community center and put books, dvds, and computers in it. I know that. But guess what? So does germs. Fuck off, the library is not essential enough to risk lives.

Set a curbside perimeter

How many entrances does your library have? If you said "more than fuck all," then stop. Just stop. You now have no entrance because you closed. You have holes you can barricade. Those barricades are made of story time tables, craft supplies sharpened to points, and cotton balls because absorption. Dig a ditch, or "moat," around the library. Make it as deep and as wide as possible. Fill the ditch with gasoline or any other liquid besides water.

Gather food and water

The easiest way patrons will attempt to end your curbside is by starvation. Make sure you have a good supply of canned goods, rice, beans, and water. For the first week, perishable food such as fruits and vegetables are acceptable and good to keep up energy. Break room fridges should be stocked full as possible with items that can last at least two weeks without power and minimum cold. Don't fill the crisper with drinks because the circulation librarian can only have her Diet Coke at a chilly temperature. Adapt and overcome your own cravings.

Set guards on the roof

First, rename your pages "guards." Then, send them upstairs armed with staplers and left over shelving. When breaking through the flaming moat and craft tables does not work, patrons will attempt to scale the walls. Guards can push back ladders, unhook grappling ropes, and shoot flaming books into approaching towers. While they are up there, they can also throw flaming books down at the crowds to both satiate and scatter them.

Have fun!

Remember that you are still doing your dream job! Libraries are places of imagination and excitement and of freedom! Use all that to keep yourself and those around you safe.