How to call in sick to the library

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Six billion Americans call in sick every day. Not only do they call in sick, they call in sick for every little thing. "My lungs hurt." "My mini-me fell into a trash compactor." "I have upper respiratory issues that are exacerbated by the smoke from wildfires and the pandemic." So many excuses that mean very little to library productivity. 

In this six part lesson, library administrators will tell you what to do when you feel ill and the sky burns bright with armageddon, but damn it all if Ms. Mabel needs that new James Patterson novel.

1. Call.

We know it is the dawn of a new age of communication. Before you pick up your smartphone, though, think about who the administrators are: Untrustworthy, scared people who must show those above them that they care by creating as many hoops as possible. Do not text. Do not tweet. Do not snapchat or instagram story or TikTok or semaphore into work if you feel ill. The administrators need to hear your voice.

2. Act sick.

Everyone needs a mental health day. A day where you can sit down, binge Umbrella Academy while so high you might eat that ice cream in the back of the freezer. Can't read that label, but you're high as fuck and labels are there for the man. Anyway, when you take your mental health day or, gods forbid are actually sick, throw in a little black lung cough. Turn off the TV. Pull over the car. Tell your friends to chill out, bro, you're supposed to be sick. Administrators appreciate that.

3. Don't come to work.

So you ate the ice cream and it turns out to be something your roommate was saving for the big party at the end of quarantine. Now things have gotten complex. You might for real be sick. You think. You feel good. Damn good. Maybe this shit has activated your brain, but then you recall a Harvard paper that disproved the Hollywood fallacy that most people only use ten percent of their brains. Oh shit, dude, you're recalling shit! What is a "fallacy" and why does it make you think of your cousin Dale? Admin would like you to slow things down and go to the hospital.

4. Don't fight a doctor.

Look, just because you have become a god does not mean you have to be a dick about it. Sure, your roommates tied you to the weight bench and took you to the hospital. You bit the cat. What else were they supposed to do? But oh, some dickholes forgot the reason nobody used the weight bench. Now that you got that bar loose that almost killed Scooter, it is time. But, before you go crazy on Dr. Went to Real School not Library School, maybe just sneak out the window? Find yourself.

5. Nobody Loves a Crybaby

Being sick is the worst. Nobody is arguing that. But, along with various HIPAA regulations and personal ick-factors, library administrators do not need detailed descriptions of what's happening when you call in sick. A simple "I'm calling in *cough* sick today" is much better than "dude, bro, so I was really goddamn high and my friends tied me to some shitty bench that I broke, then I punched the old guy in the bed next to me cause he was talking shit and jumped out the window of the hospital. Now I'm on the run with a broken leg and my mind is wide open to the transcendental properties of the universe. I just healed my leg by thinking. Bone just popped right in. So, yeah, I'm gonna take the day to think over my own godhood." This is simply too much explanation. 

6. Take care of yourself

Library admin wants you to be healthy and happy. Not enough to close down services that might expose you to a deadly virus that you could bring home to your family or cause you to expose countless patrons to their own fresh hells, but bunches of health and happiness. So after you call in, get some feel-good juice and relax. Find a tree to sit under. Contemplate the meaning of existence. Use your gods given six feet of health to reach into the void and find compassion and love. Then figure that shit out and come back to work at the library once all your leave is used up.