Because WTF Luke Skywalker (spoilers for Last Jedi)

by Banned Library in ,


Carl took the stack of books from the lady and waited for her to hand him her library card. The lady was bent over, talking softly to something below Carl's reach. Carl waited.

    "Can you fucking believe that shit?" Pam said, coming through the door from the circulation workroom behind the desk.

    "What shit?" Carl said.

    The woman shot up with her eyes wide. "Excuse me," she said high and loud.

    "Excuse me, too. Fucking Luke Skywalker was gonna kill somebody for maybe being evil? The same Luke that got over his daddy issues and turned Vader to the light? That ain't the fucking Luke I remember," Pam said.

    The woman said, "Young lady, you can't talk that way in front of Lucy."

    Pam's face blanched and she leaned over the desk. She said, "Oh goodness, I'm so sorry little- what the fuck?"

    The patron said, "I'm going to report you."

    Carl said, "What's wrong?"

    Pam leaned back and pointed to the door. "Get that fucking alligator out of here."

    "I need the name of your supervisor," the woman said.

    "I'ma get my gun and shoot that thing," Pam said and went back through the door.

    The woman left the building, half dragging her pet alligator out the door, her stack of books on the circulation desk in front of a downtrodden Carl.

    "I don't even like Star Wars," Carl said.




She Made a Scanner Darkly

by Banned Library in


"It won't scan, it just comes out dark," the lady said. She held up a piece of paper that was solid black. You could just make out printing.

    Pam and Carl exchanged a look that said "this crazy lady is trying to photocopy a purple sheet of paper on a black and white copier and doesn't get how pants work." This look was a very normal look for them.

    Carl said, "Let's go look at the copier and see what's wrong." He was only volunteering to help because Pam had helped the last patron, a man who was looking for large print audio books.

    At the copier, Carl got a bit of a shock. Attached to the copier was a squid making sweet love to the office machine.

    "That wasn't here earlier," the woman said.

    "Squick Squick Squick," the squid said.

    "Huh," Carl said.

    The two of them waited, staring at the sea life having its way with the photocopier. The woman dreamed of being touched so gently. Carl wondered how it was lasting so long.

    Then a man came around the corner. He had on a beige uniform that fit a little snug. A patch on the shirt read "Johnson Photocopying." He said, "Sorry folks, ole Reggie's just finishing up filling the toner. He takes his time about it, but then, he's not paid so I guess I would to."

    Carl, the woman, and the copy machine man waited while Reggie the squid fucked the copy machine. Reggie said, "Squick, squick, squick." The machine remained silent.




Credit for Christmas

by Banned Library in


Pam sat at her circulation desk going over her email on the staff computer. Someone wanted her to babysit. Another person wanted her to "like" something online. Several companies were looking for her to join their ranks as a member of an elite credit order.

    "This one wants me to join up and I get bonus miles," she said.

    Carl, her fellow library assistant, grunted. He had before him a brick-building display project for the children's department, the shape of which was very brickish.

    "Miles of what?" Pam asked.

    "Probably flights," Carl said. He stuck one brick on another brick and the bricks became more than what they were before.

    "I can't afford any flights," Pam said.

    "Can you afford the debt?"

    "I gotta buy Christmas presents."

    Carl picked up another brick, this one red and longer than the other two. "Tell everyone you got them your own piece of mind."

    "Or I could bake things," Pam said.

    "Everyone did ignore your chocolate chip cookies enthusiastically."

    "Oh! This one says no interest until next year! Do you think they mean 2018 or 2019? Cause if they're not interested, I am."




Talking Dahmer at the Circ Desk

by Banned Library in ,


The cart was filled with books from the book drop. The library assistant wheeled it to the circulation desk and watched the stack teeter.

    The second library assistant, Carl, watched Pam and the books. He said, "I saw that movie, the one about Dahmer?"

    Pam pulled a few books from the middle of the stack as if playing a giant game of Jenga. "Yeah?"

    "Yeah. It had this scene in it where Jeffrey Dahmer starts making noise in the library, like acting out to be funny, and I wondered how many of our patrons are gonna become serial killers," Carl said.

    "I could name one or two," Pam said.

    "I'm serious," Carl said.

    Pam reached for more books from the pile, but they fell on her, crushing her under the weight. She gasped and the weight bore down and pushed the breath from her lungs. Carl watched as the life drifted from Pam's eyes. He waited, seeing the inner light fade to a distinct nothing. Then, per the library handbook, he began collecting the books lest they become haunted by Pam's eternal soul.

    "Anyway, it was a good movie," Carl said.