The library will no longer allow service alligators.

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Renee Allgood, a community member in good library standing, wants everyone to know that they are loved and she is unloved. "Maybe it's just me. I try to tell everyone about how much love the Creator has for them while at the same time the Creator has left me behind in this pit of snakes. Why King Lothor of the White Room, who formed all matter from your luscious thighs, have your forgotten your humble servant?! Why are you allowing my neighbor Andy Duplass's roses to grow and bloom with such majesty while my grass is brown? King Lothor the Creator, please bless my hairdryer!" Views of community members do not reflect the views of the library.

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Movie Review: Good Luck, Have Fun, and Don't Die (2026) directed by Gore Verbinski, written by Matthew Robinson, and starring Sam Rockwell, Juno Temple, and Haley Lu Richardson. A lot of movies fall into two camps: complex social dramas and entertaining nonsense. A few muscle their way onto the screen, screaming and dripping with intention. Good Luck does the latter. A time traveler shows up in a diner looking for the correct people to stop a horrible future from coming to be. This is a mean, dirty little movie that wants you to put down your phone and pay attention if it has to kill every character to do it. If this movie came at you in a dark alley or in a small diner, it would smile as it raised a sock full of half a brick and swing it with a two-step. If you managed to knock it down, this movie would go for your ankles and laugh while it brought you down. A pure movie of chaos with the intent to drown you and make you come up with answers because its concerned about the questions and fuck you if you don't care. Bring the kids.

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Reference has a new antique pricing guide that includes all the shit your racist grandpa kept.

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Children's is not trying to indoctrinate your children with the "Brush Your Teeth" song.

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Book of the Week: How to Dance Safely by Werner Bailor. In this nonfiction how-to book, Mr. Bailor outlines the steps of many modern dance moves. An excerpt: "When you are about to dance, look for a partner. If you have a partner in mind, ask if they have friends. If their friends also dance, have fun. If they do not, then leave them behind because those that do not dance can harm those that do. Dancing can become out of control."

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The large crates that just arrived at the back of the library are for library science purposes. Ignore the man yelling "Shoot her!" and all the screams.

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In a world where facts are up for debate and the truth is a thing people talk about like they know what they are talking about, libraries exist. They continue to provide curated content with as few ads as possible, except maybe for a book or movie we like. Libraries, they're what's for dinner. Paid for by the Friends of the Banned Library, a for-profit fifteen year long drunken experiment. patreon.com/bannedlibrary

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Hiring a library page, interview:

Librarian: Have you ever worked in a library?

Subject 1: I have studied in the library.

L: But you have not been employed by a library.

S1: I helped the librarian in my high school get things off the high shelf.

L: I'm going to mark down "no." Please recite the alphabet.

S1: Which one?

L: The common A to Z one used by most English speakers.

S1: I don't speak English.

L: You are speaking it now.

S1: I'm speaking American.

L: Can you recite the American alphabet?

S1: No.

L: Put these numbers in order (Cards are placed on the table with the following numbers: 342.5, 233, 876, 342, 342.52, and 341)

S1: I didn't know there would be math.

L: Just do the best you can.

(5 minutes pass)

S1: Are there always so many people here? I can't work with this many people here.

L: The library is often full, but it's just you and me in the room. I can leave if you need.

S1: No, I'm fine.

L: Just do the best you can.

S1: There.

L: You have not moved any of the cards.

S1: That's my final answer. Unless I can call my dad.

L: No, that's fine. It says here you graduated from college with an engineering degree?

S1: Yup. Go Wildcats.

L: Why are you looking for a job at the library?

S1: My dad said he would turn off my phone if I didn't get a job.

L: What made you choose the library?

S1: My dad's on the board and said all you guys do is nothing.

L: We'll be in touch.

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Earlier this month, the library lamented the existence of Spider-Man: One More Day. To update, it still sucks.

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Special collections had some special brownies and is just thinking about how long history really is.

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They sat at the computer desk. One right handed. One left handed. Mouses clicking along, searching and reading and playing. One left hand held one right hand. They smiled to themselves and pointed with their free hands. They shared. The laughed. They cringed. They held hands.

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The library fountain is there to mask all the fart sounds.

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The library "Valentines with a Book" display led to some awkward dates and even more awkward morning after questions.

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Oral history selection: "One time we had this bear we caught cause some rich jackass wanted to shoot a damn bear. Big fella. Black bear. We called it Beary. The rich fella ran late, and we had a few bottles with us out at Scooter Henson's place. Sooner or later the bear fell asleep next to the tree where we tied it. We sat there passing the bottle and telling stories. Stories about war. The good ones, not the ones where people died cause that whiskey can make some fellas remember what they want it to make them forget.

Stories like when the boys came up on some French fellas and gave them cake. You could tell the French hated that American cake cause it wasn't French, but they were nice about it. Hungry. Later we had that French cake. You like what you grow up with, but they know things about butter we don't.

Anyway, it got to be around dark and the bear woke up. Figured we should feed it and found some venison Andy Tack had shot earlier the week. Scooter started grinning and poured some water and whiskey into a bowl for that bear. He didn't want to drink it at first, but then that big ole murder rug drank it all and looked for more. So that was how we got drunk with a bear one night.

Next morning the rich feller showed up. We had let the bear go. Damn thing licked Scooter's face and swayed off into the dark probably looking for a mama bear to fit just right. The rich feller tried to make a stink, but we got him drunk and left him naked by a creek in the sun. Sumbitch looked like a cardinal in spring. We did that a lot to the rich jackasses."